Codependency - how did you recover?

[Getmyfrownupsidedown]

Trying to focus on my self worth and I was just wondering if anyone has positive recovery stories from being copendent?

Anyone? I have made a few appointments with therapists this week to find the right one... but my head is all over the place right now.

Hi gmfud, I’ve not got tips as yet, I’ve just discovered I’ve got myself in this pickle. Maybe we could share tips as we learn them?
So far I’m learning to focus on me, my needs, what are my emotions, what am I actually thinking. After years of squashing feelings down to keep the peace, or make the other person happy.
The best advice I’ve found is from another thread,,,,,,,,,,,,’there's a huge amount of ways to be supportive to your partner/friend/family member without putting yourself to the fire. It's OK to say "I love you and I'm sorry you're going through this shit, but I can't listen to this for more than an hour, because I also have my own life.’
Found it useful to hang on to - otherwise all we talk about is his stuff.

How’s the therapy?

My first step was having counselling to work out why I had ended up in two unhappy marriages with men who had "issues".

It was an eye-opener, and explained everything.

I've read "Co-dependency for dummies" and found it very helpful. Also the Melody Beattie book "Co-dependent no more" (didn't find that one as helpful as guided towards partners of alcoholics)

I am trying to work on asserting myself, having better boundaries, communicating better. I seem to "revert to type" in relationships. Looking at my family, my mum is co-dependent & so is my sister.

It's work in progress & will be life-long.

I too wouldnt say I've recovered from codependancy but I'm much further along that journey. Here's what helped me (in order-sort of)

1. Realising I'm a consistent victim of narcissistic abuse, identifying the original narcissist in my life (in my case my DF) and learning everything I can about narcissists and what motivates them. Understanding how I was seeing the world through my own filter and giving people my attributes that they simply dont have (empathy, fairness, kindness). This view was making me naive to abuse and it had to change.
2. I then became intolerant of narcissistic traits in other people as I was essentially disgusted by them and I had learned to spot them. I then could see the parallels between narcissism and codependance (need for validation from others, using manipulation to get needs met, idealisation, devaluation, victim mentality). They are mirror images of the same pathology. This was uncomfortable to accept but if you are honest about your codendedent motivations you will see these traits in yourself. Because I am so disgusted by narcissists, I knew I had to heal to not have these traits anymore.
3. Learning to trust myself and not look to others for validation, learning to assert boundaries (this one has been hard) and trying to heal the wounds from my original narcissist via counselling (something I actively avoided until now). Learning to sit in uncomfortability, how to ask for my own needs to be met and being brutal when cutting people out of my life who refuse to have a reciprocal and healthy relationship.

Sorry for the long post but I know how overwhelming it can be to start on this journey so I hope the steps helped. I've found YouTube videos on the subject (both narcissism and codependence) to really help in my understanding. There are also alot of videos about healing from narc abuse and codependance on there too.

Excellent post @lockcodger mirrors my experience.
You have to be prepared to take a long hard look at yourself. Not to cast blame (that's a job for narcissists) rather to understand your motivations and behaviour.

One thing I found worrying was that I might be narcissistic like him. I've discovered that as time has passed, some behaviours can arise due to Stockholm syndrome, to ingratiate with the 'captor'

Best advice I received was to trust myself and it would all work out for me.

Also look up inverted narcissism. If co-dependency is a scale, some people become so far at the end of that scale that they in turn become inverted narcissists. Here's a good video

Im starting to realise that both my sister and DM are probably inverted narcs in that their sense of self worth is so low that they start to use narcissistic tactics to feel better about themselves and in essence enjoy being a martyr/victim to gain sympathy and attention (which is what a true narcissist also does). Inverted narcs then crave a narcissistic relationship so they can continue to live in that dynamic and therefore become narcissist themselves. I have become intolerant of that behaviour also as it can be just as destructive.

I wanted to heal from codependance before I become that person

Great thread, thank you.

Another thing that really helped is realising codependent=enabler

The longer you remain a co-dependent, the longer you remain an enabler to abuse

I'm also wary of going too much the other way, and learning to trust myself again (as well as others).

My last relationship was with someone who had narcissistic traits too. And looking back, I realised how vulnerable I was to his type. He must have seen me coming!

However, I do have good friendships & family relationships, my work is fine - so I have success in other areas of my life - just not relationships.

Went to CoDA

You dont recover from codependency BTW. With all the knowledge and personal development in the world, you still have to keep an eye on it, probably for the rest of your days.

Good point Springy, I think all always be a recovering codependent.

@springydaff - how did you find the CODA meetings? Was it mostly partners of alcoholics/addicts?

Another thought to put into the mix that resonates with I'm also wary of going too much the other way

If you drop a pendulum it doesn't drop and stop in the middle, it goes the other way and then corrects but goes too far back repeatedly until it stops.

In codependency each pushes each further on the swing. When you are taking charge of your recovery, you are the person that puts the brake on each time. But accept that it rarely if ever stops at the bottom first time

Hi OP, I saw a therapist for a few months, I also attend a twelve step support group (Al-anon in my case), I have a book of daily readings which I try hard to make sure I read every day. I think it's a combination of those things that are gradually changing my mindset.
It's hard work some days though, I think it takes a lot of mental energy to recover, but the results are worth it. It's an ongoing process too, like PPs have said. Good luck

I didn't know the stories of the others in the CoDA group. Meetings are more about managing symptoms now . Ime codependency shows up everywhere, more a tendency to ignore your needs and feelings, putting them last/nonexistent. A symptom is definitely hooking up with addicts but it is a symptom.

I agree with Hecateh that I swung the other way and became hard. But it was just part of recovery, of recalibration. Eventually I missed being kind which was much more my character. I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Ime you consistently adjust and readjust. Not obsessively but recognising we have a tendency to lose ourself in other people's needs.

Eira you need to start being angry about how he is treating you. I had to hit rock bottom (several times) before I could start my healing process and part of that was being angry at how I had let others (including past partners) treat me.

When you learn about the psychology of abuse, you can then see how none of it is a reflection on you (e.g. I told myself there was something wrong with me, I wasnt good enough, I deserved to be treated badly etc.) and you start to accept that it is ALL them. They project their bad qualities onto you and then you start to take them on as your own, but they were never yours to begin with. This should make you very angry and realise how futile it is to try and fit what someone else wants you to be (in an abusive relationship the rules always change anyway so you will never win). People have to earn the right to be in your life by treating you with respect and fairness.

Start by protecting yourself first and foremost from this back and forth bullshit. Treat yourself how you would want your friend to be treated. If he left the family home then he loses the privilege of what the relationship brought (sex, comfort, money, advice) whatever it is that you gave him. Only talk to him about the kids and practical stuff and keep conversations short and to the point. Dont respond to any questions he asks that are outside of these topics. He hasnt treated you like a friend so dont be one to him.

This will be hard, it will at times be very painful but all personal growth will come with pain as you work through it. Fight the urge to go back to destructive patterns, if not for yourself at first, then for the children. They deserve stability which you are perfectly capable of providing alone.

Stay single for at least a year as it is difficult to recover whilst in another relationship (I know the urge will be strong to be with someone but you have to fight it). I promise in a year you will look back and be proud that you walked away from this toxic situation.

Remember, a codependent is also an enabler and there are so many stories on here where people have cut contact with the non abusive parent because they enabled the abuse. You dont want to lose your future relationship with your children over this man.

If he is controlling then he is abusive and he KNOWS it. Abuse is about power and control and they know exactly what they are doing. Please dont make the mistake that so many of us do by justifying his behaviour. He's manipulating you so that you now defend his actions by believing there are genuine reasons behind it.

Please read up on abuse (Lundy Bancroft or freedom programme) or watch some YouTube videos. In particular look up narcissistic abuse (many codependents find themselves in relationships with narcissists)

When you finally 'get it' you will realise how manipulated you have been and it will be like a fog has lifted and you will be able to see clearly what he is doing. He may be depressed but a word of warning is that abusive men often claim to be depressed to justify their treatment of you. You can also be depressed and abusive at the same time.

He is choosing to treat you and your children this way and sounds like a total misogynist expecting you to cook, clean and raise his children whilst he goes off to play the field, only popping back around to give you enough crumbs to keep you hooked and under his control.

Please learn everything you can about it until you are sick of reading about abuse. You will then become intolerant and angry about this rather than sad. I promise

Sorry, just to add that his needs being paramount means he is entitled and has no empathy. He sounds like a narcissist. They never change, they are terrible fathers and you may be in for a big battle ahead with the divorce so please learn all you can about narcissists so you can end the game he is playing with you and your family. It is a game to him and he is incapable of caring about anyone but himself.

Understanding the cycle helped me. I’ve drawn it on a bit of paper that lives in my handbag. That stops me from being reeled back in and later softens the blow if the bad part of the cycle comes back around again. I’m still disentangling and it’s really hard but am so much closer to freedom than I used to be

I think this is a really intresting thread because the title is backwards. To my mind the real question is how do I heal from Narcassistic abuse?

Co-dependentcy is an empathic school (defined by H G Tudor). You will always have it and it's can't be erased.

What you can do is work on boundaries and learn to spot the black and red flags.

@75Renarde - your last paragraph sums it up for me. I can see where I went wrong in hindsight & have to learn to trust myself again.

Learning I was co-dependent was such a shock; it has shaken me to the core & changing will ensure lifelong vigilance.

I determined not to pass this on to my children; that they see their mum maintaining boundaries, asserting own needs, being their own person.

I'm still trying to extricate myself from my relationship; it's so much harder with young children & no family nearby. I made the decision about 6 months ago, and saw an IFA & Lawyer at that point. I just need to get myself in a better financial position before I can do it.

I wish I'd known about boundaries & red flags when I'd met him; perhaps I would have see him for what he was (definite narcissistic traits).

But I can't go back, only forward - with a wiser head on my shoulders.

I know, it is a shock. By the way, your school is the most prized by narcs because your fuel output is terrific and always there.

It's a blessing even if it doesn't seem so at the moment.