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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being paranoid since finding texts please any "ww "

37 replies

Bing777 · 22/04/2019 23:18

I dunno if I'm being paranoid,
I caught dp sexting work colleague a few weeks ago now. It was an horrendous painful time but we got through it. I decided to forgive him for various reasons
However, my worst fear has come true I feel much more on edge and paranoid.
He's working away for three nights since I've discovered the affair. I dunno if it's just me but al day today he's been very quiet, not really engaging,
He's been looking st his phone more often (again not sure if it's me being paranoid)
I did peek in his phone n nothing there
I know he's going away with another colleague so I dunno why I'm picturing it's the ow
I keep thinking maybe they're planning to meet there but it sounds stupid because he's there for work

Lastly, he didn't seem as reassuring as he usually does. He also said he's going to bed alone when usually when we're on the couch together he always says "let's go to bed now"
I feel physically sick with worry
Please help

OP posts:
peekyboo · 22/04/2019 23:24

Is he worth all this stress and worry?

If he is, and he loves you, you should be able to talk to him about it.

If you can't, what does that say about your relationship in general, regardless of whether he's still sexting?

Tinkerbellx · 22/04/2019 23:26

Can you talk to him ? Have a proper conversation and tell him how you feel?

Ask to see his phone and tell him after last time you need that reassurance .... not later when he may have had time to hide anything ?
Hope it's all nothing and your okay .

FrenchSchnoodle · 22/04/2019 23:27

I'd end it. Life is far far too short to have to deal with that level of stress each time he looks at his phone, doesn't say something, does say something etc.

FrenchSchnoodle · 22/04/2019 23:29

Plus looking at his phone doesn't prove anything i.e. you're unlikely to ever feel secure. He could delete texts, use another phone, use Kik etc.

Bing777 · 22/04/2019 23:34

Thanks everyone

I will try talk to him before he leaves tomorrow. I just hate this because i keep doing the "talk" recently: i.e getting upset and telling him I need reassurance etc
He does reassure me .. but it's more words ; "I won't cheat on you", "I only want you"
It's affecting my MH
I don't know how else he can reassure me though? Any ideas?

OP posts:
peekyboo · 22/04/2019 23:37

He can reassure you by not being a sexting dick.

Only time will tell, try not to stress about it all. I expect he isn't.

Be at least a bit angry that he's ruined your trust and most of the relationship before you chase him for reassurance. The big jerk.

Lefty1 · 23/04/2019 08:26

Bin this fuckwit off, your mental health isn’t worth it, chances are as you caught him out last time you probably won’t find anything more , he will be more skilled at hiding that shit. Also sleeping on his own, like he is choosing when you and him are intimate ?! You deserve better . Flowers

markovchains · 23/04/2019 12:19

I'd end it. Life is far far too short to have to deal with that level of stress each time he looks at his phone, doesn't say something, does say something etc.

I agree with this. I usually advocate communication and compromise when it comes to problems in a relationship, but cheating (yes, sexting is cheating imo) is where I draw the line. Complete lack of respect and care on his part.

category12 · 23/04/2019 12:31

It only came to light a few weeks ago. Why are you expecting to feel secure again so quickly? Is he expecting you to be "over it" by now?

What has he actually done to reassure you? Has he drawn a line with the colleague, is he looking for a job elsewhere, can you look at his phone whenever you like?

Dirtybadger · 23/04/2019 12:42

"We got through it"

No, you didn't.

Maybe you will but it takes more than a few weeks to get over someone betraying you like that. You're allowed to be paranoid and anxious and worried. You can't hold it over him forever but you are still working through things (as that's what you want to do). Talk to him about it rather than letting it eat you up inside. If he has a brain he will understand completely

Bing777 · 23/04/2019 12:53

@category12

The only thing he did that was "reassuring" was delete her number and texts in front of me and sent a last text to her in front of me

Other than that nothing....

I think the change of job is a bit extreme he is 2 levels away from upgrading his role to a really good one it's not one of those jobs he can just leave as he's worked his way up

Although, he has been looking for similar roles abroad.

What else can you suggest for reassurance?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 23/04/2019 12:59

Want 100% reassurance? A divorce is basically the only perfect way to guarantee it won't occur. Is this how you want to feel the rest of your life uneasy and suspicious and distrustful?

StormTreader · 23/04/2019 13:44

"He does reassure me .. but it's more words ; "I won't cheat on you", "I only want you"

Well, you know both of those things weren't true a few weeks ago so it's not surprising they aren't very reassuring now! He should be doing a LOT more to reassure you if he really is repentant.

lightsoutxo · 23/04/2019 13:52

"He does reassure me .. but it's more words ; "I won't cheat on you", "I only want you"

Words are cheap. People can say whatever they think will improve the situation for them but not mean a word of it.

What else can you suggest for reassurance?

If he really is sorry for what he did (which I doubt), he'd be the one clamouring over himself to reassure you with his ACTIONS. You shouldn't be the one having to actively seek it out.

Myheartbelongsto · 23/04/2019 15:50

For reassurance I'd suggest you leave him.

He told you he won't cheat on you yet he was sexting another woman.

Don't waste another minute on this waste of space.

CallMeRachel · 23/04/2019 16:28

Your looking in the wrong place turning to him for reassurance- he's the one who's the cause of your hurt.

Step away from him and seek reassurance from your own friends and family. I'm sure they'll give you all the reassurance you need to see the light and end this sham of a relationship.

You'll always be paranoid while your with him and he'll lie and gaslight you until you no longer know your own mind.

category12 · 23/04/2019 18:36

OP, can you look at his phone and emails etc any time you like? If not, why not?

You haven't got through it, as Dirtybadger says: it takes longer than that and tbh you haven't even begun the process. You got through it in terms of you made the decision to stay at the time. That's all.

Whether he can actually earn your trust is long-term.

coffeeismybestie · 23/04/2019 18:42

He sent her a last text? And you think she will just say ' Ok bye'.
Does she know about you? If so he can make up an excuse that you made him do it because you can't accept it's over.

Also he got rid of her number so she can still message him, and what stops him replying. He obviously started this thing for a reason, needed attention, fancy her etc has that reason been dealt with?
The issue is for you to recover you need to trust him, which is obvious that you don't. I would either.
He maybe less supportive because people who do the bad crap think you should just get over it a lot quicker than you can.

BlackPrism · 23/04/2019 19:20

Why is he not chasing YOUR forgiveness? If the sexes were switched you would be running after your husband begging forgiveness, crying, demonstrating. Why is he not doing that? Why is it in you to fix what he broke?

BlackPrism · 23/04/2019 19:20

On*

MsLayla · 23/04/2019 22:12

I keep thinking maybe they're planning to meet there but it sounds stupid because he's there for work

Doesn't sound stupid at all and you're probably spot on.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2019 22:14

You can do a lot better than this cheating arsehole. He's up to no good and you KNOW it. Get rid.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2019 22:15

How long have you been together?

Bing777 · 23/04/2019 22:17

About 16 years now but we've had a few months break up in between on and off.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 23/04/2019 23:36

He has cheated on you by sexting. She is a work colleague, so I assume he sees her daily. It is possible that they have been physical. They could easily be continuing their affair.

Did you impose a consequence for his betrayal such as sending him away for a while? This would show him that you mean business and would give him an inkling of how the loss of you would feel.

Therapists advise that it can take up to 2 years to regain trust after an affair. You’ve barely scratched the surface. For affair recovery, they recommend full transparency with all devices, bank statements, phone bills, credit card statements, etc.. You should not have to sneak a look at his phone.

To restore trust, your partner needs to show great remorse and empathy by consciously reassuring you without being prompted. He must patiently answer your questions at all times and be willing to take your anger and hurt without snapping.

Completely cutting contact with the affair partner is advised.

Has he been open to seeking individual counseling to investigate his weak boundaries and sense of entitlement to pursue an illicit ego boost, and to learn how to safeguard his fidelity?

This man who abused your trust is not showing much remorse. He has wounded you, yet has built no real structure to help you heal. He appears disengaged right before a trip away, even though you have been clear about your (understandable) need for reassurance.

Personally, I would walk away.

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