DH - what's the problem here? Is it me?

[JenniferOhJenny]

DH and I moved to a new area 4 years ago. We don't know anyone here, this is important because neither has friends in the area.

Both have adult DCs from 1st marriages.

DH says his 1st marriage broke up because they just stopped communicating, I thought this wouldn't be a problem for us because I'm chatty and so was he but gradually this has petered out.
He can still be chatty but also very withdrawn and grumpy.

Maybe this has been exacerbated by the fact that my health has taken a dip since we moved here.

Christmas was a nightmare, we saw all DCs, some together, some separately. He was ok with DCs. We both had all of Christmas off from Christmas Eve to New Year and when we were alone in the house he was by turns grumpy, then others absolutely fine. He could change a few times in the same day.

We've just had 10 days off together and the Christmas pattern is the same.

DD and her BF came round this afternoon to stay tonight.
I saw them, chatted but went for an afternoon sleep because I'm ill again. I woke to a text saying DH who'd been in the garden all day didn't acknowledge them, let alone talk to them so they were here for a few hours then left.

DH has form for being stroppy while DCs are around his and mine not because they are around but because that's just how he is.

Over Christmas I was wondering whether his moodiness was down to not having small DCs around anymore, this was our first real Christmas of them having all gone, except when they came back IYSWIM. Following the repeat this past week it can't be that.

We live together ok when we're working during the week but I can't live my life dreading the next time off he's generally ok when we go away.

No, it isn't you. He is the grumpy one. Is it possible that he might be worried about something, or depressed?

OP do you think he may be suffering from depression? His mood swings certain hint at that.
You can't change his behaviour unless you talk to him about it. He may not want to discuss it but I would push it with him as you can't go on like that. Tell him unless he gets help for his moods then the marriage is at risk.
Has he only been like this since you moved? I wonder if he has regretted the move and is missing friends/family perhaps.

I think he is bored, not of you but of your life style...
My child is like this....

Oh bugger.
Massive drip feed, there's something else I forgot in my OP.

One of my best friends died last week, it wasn't unexpected she'd be ill for some time.

We saw her earlier this month.

She died in the night, I awoke to a text from her sister the next morning to say she'd passed away.
Obviously I read this and cried, told DH.
Instead of putting his arms around me or being sympathetic he said 'well it wasn't unexpected, was it' and that was it!
He hasn't said anything else since.
I was too sad to be angry with him but now I'm fuming!

Have you spoken to him about why he's like it?

No, I don't think he's depressed at all.
Not even with my professional head on I work with people suffering with poor mental health and he doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria at all. I'm more bloody depressed than he is!

He had already moved away from friends to a new area, when we moved here it was me who moved away from friends.

He's NC with his parents and has been for years.

Bored is not the same as depressed.

He could be bored Mummy2017, we're comfortable and don't have DCs to run around after anymore.
We do a lot at weekends, plenty of it his choice.

When I've asked him why NannyOgg he says he isn't stroppy

Yep, happy on holiday,, or out doing things, so when home sort of lost and grumpy...
Fits my children to a T
I am sat with my friends, no one is talking..
Bored as hell, but any conversation is yes or no ... Just we know each other well. Nothing much to say... Yes I do like my friends.. but this is the end of their holiday..... Just that enough time and n a holiday.

What does his grumpy look like exactly?

He's not bored at work.
As I say we do a lot at weekends, next weekend we're away. We go away at least once a month.

The other weekends we do chores, yes, OTOH we are out and about often enough on the at home weekends.

I'm not sure what I can do about a grown man who is bored?

Biscuit grumpy = short, sharp answers to any questions. Won't be drawn into neutral conversation. Angrily doing household jobs that don't necessarily need doing ie banging around taking the recycling out, banging the dishwasher contents about. When I get out of the way he follows me around the house being angry but silent in the same room or the next room.

So he's a PA sucker!

Rather than tell you what is irritating him he wants you to fawn over him to try and find out.

Sucker = sulker 🤣

Yes random PA is exactly it, with the emphasis on both aggressive and passive. He does get a lot of my attention and emotional support.

How long have you been married? Could this moodiness and rudeness suggest that he’s been on good behaviour up until now, but now takes you for granted?

Couple’s counselling might be a good option.

Do your DC like him?

He doesn't handle his emotions well, maybe he is resentful of something but refuses to discuss it in a healthy way.

Have you managed conflict previously? I would say its probably just him, grumpy when not being stimulated or feeling chores are too boring.
How long have you been together? I hate to be pessimistic but perhaps you might know why his first marriage failed.

Tell him to grow up and either tell you what the problem is or behave like an adult!

I would be tempted to say " oh you're doing that shitty PA thing again, I'm off our rather than tolerate it"

Not sure what his problem is but one thing I know is that I would not be putting up with it.

We've been married for a little over 5 years.

My DC like him usually but they really aren't very happy with him atm.

It was DD2 who came round today, she's told DD1 and DD1 is currently messaging me to say that his behaviour is contributing to making me ill, or at least keeping me ill.
I'd have to concede she's probably right, it's worse than I've let on to either of them.

His DCs keep in touch with me much more than they do with him, I have a very good relationship with them.

My DH was like this . Being an angry grump back would shake him out of it. IF you are treading on eggshells around him , stop doing that, but in the end I was becoming anxious and threatened to leave. Which stopped it but he is still quiet and not much fun.

It's sulking, it's emotionally abusive behaviour to get what he wants... which is you prioritising him and his wants all the time to avoid this happening.

I'm so sorry you lost your friend, OP - and that your "D"H was so unsupportive.

I had an ex who acted similarly to what you describe. Banging about, one-word answers. Literally pouting. Then back to smiles and cheerfulness.

Over the 7 years that I foolishly gave this prick, I came to realise that most of his moodiness was in response to me not doing or saying the "right" thing. EG
Turning down sex
Saying "I don't fancy pizza tonight, shall I make some pasta?"
Asking him to do ANY household chore such as washing up
Disagreeing with him about literally anything such as were Genesis better than Pink Floyd
Asking him to not drink more than 8 pints of Stella as he inevitably pissed the bed afterwards
Me winning a game of cards or Trivial Pursuit

When we went out or had friends over (seldom) he was charm personified, always happy and funny.

Does your H drink heavily? My ex, in hindsight, was definitely an alcoholic, and I wonder now if his "recovery" from these moods was actually because he'd had a nip from a secret bottle.

Like your H, he never acknowledged his moods. If I said "What's wrong?" he would do a huge cartoonish shrug and say nothing. If I told him to use his words, he on occasion would pretend to have lost his voice 🙄

Is your illness a mental health one, and a new thing for you while in this relationship?

IME some people have unkind attitudes about MH issues.