DH - what's the problem here? Is it me?

[JenniferOhJenny]

DH and I moved to a new area 4 years ago. We don't know anyone here, this is important because neither has friends in the area.

Both have adult DCs from 1st marriages.

DH says his 1st marriage broke up because they just stopped communicating, I thought this wouldn't be a problem for us because I'm chatty and so was he but gradually this has petered out.
He can still be chatty but also very withdrawn and grumpy.

Maybe this has been exacerbated by the fact that my health has taken a dip since we moved here.

Christmas was a nightmare, we saw all DCs, some together, some separately. He was ok with DCs. We both had all of Christmas off from Christmas Eve to New Year and when we were alone in the house he was by turns grumpy, then others absolutely fine. He could change a few times in the same day.

We've just had 10 days off together and the Christmas pattern is the same.

DD and her BF came round this afternoon to stay tonight.
I saw them, chatted but went for an afternoon sleep because I'm ill again. I woke to a text saying DH who'd been in the garden all day didn't acknowledge them, let alone talk to them so they were here for a few hours then left.

DH has form for being stroppy while DCs are around his and mine not because they are around but because that's just how he is.

Over Christmas I was wondering whether his moodiness was down to not having small DCs around anymore, this was our first real Christmas of them having all gone, except when they came back IYSWIM. Following the repeat this past week it can't be that.

We live together ok when we're working during the week but I can't live my life dreading the next time off he's generally ok when we go away.

He sounds like a bit of a tit. Ignoring your DD and her BF is just nasty. I hope you feel better soon and can sort this mess out. It must be like having an extra child sometimes.

What kind of illness do you have? Is it likely to improve - so this is a temporary thing- or is this a long term chronic thing? I am wondering if he is feeling upset at the change in the dynamic between you both that you’re suddenly unwell.

I say this very kindly as I have several long term chronic health issues that have caused issues in my previous relationships. People just don’t know how to cope with someone who is unwell.

Ooooh lifebeginsat50 I know exactly why his first marriage didn't work.
Managing conflict is my job. Oh the irony.

He likes doing chores.
No, really he does.

Random and Crimson it's getting more and more tempting.

I think it may come to threatening to leave Princess. I'm getting close.

Today I've been pa back at him, I've just come down for dinner and he's being double nice.

Thanks Furious she was 46, we'd been friends since childhood and I'm quietly devastated.

DH definitely isn't an alcoholic, nor does he abuse substances or gamble or anything like that.

No, it's a physical illness LoopyTiles.
Fairylea it will improve but I'm waiting for an operation and recovery is a process, I'll have to adapt my lifestyle for 6 months to a year afterwards.

LuckyLou7 it is very much like having an extra child and frankly? I've done enough parenting.

for your friend it hurts so so much and it puts other things into sharp perspective, like a manchild having mantrum

Yes RandomMess it really has put everything into perspective and brought DH's lack of compassion over it into sharp relief.

DH would have cuddled me if I'd asked for it but really? My friend has just died, I've just told him, tears are rolling down my cheeks and his reaction is to ignore it?

Yeah. Life is short.