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Original poster

‘Fling’ break up with guy that’s trying to place blame

35 replies

Archinet · 22/04/2019 09:37

Hello everyone! I’ve been involved with a guy that is trying to place the blame of the whole ‘fling’ on me, it’s causing me anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

A few months ago I became super friendly with a coworker. We had both come out of relationships, and we got on really well as friends. We would meet up and go for drinks after work, I had a lot of fun and we laughed a lot - it was great. One night things took a turn and we started kissing. We both acknowledged it was a bad idea because of work, and tried to ignore that it happened. As time went on, we kept spending time together and more and more happened. We spent nights together and when we worked we would ignore it had happened - we both love our jobs, we both knew they came first. We decided two weeks ago to stop spending time together, neither of us wanted it to ruin our jobs. Because we are both out of long term relationships, it also became a struggle seeing each other every day, it was a fling that had to be filled with commitment early on which caused issues and arguments for us both. We wanted each other but there were too many things against us.

When we discussed it afterwards - I wanted to resolve everything so that we could be civil at work - he claimed I’d forced him into spending time with me. He claimed he hadn’t wanted to sleep with me ever, but I’d pressured him and ‘because he’s a man’ he did it anyway. Amongst other comments about my family and lifestyle not fitting with his (he’d never met anyone, we just worked together so he’d judged it based on what I had told him and all social media that he had me on), he would be critical about my personality. I don’t know if this is because he liked me and didn’t know how to end it amicably, or whether he is a negative person that I should keep out of my life. His comments have become so hurtful and I’m having to face him every day in work. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m trying to rise above his comments but they’re cutting deep?

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 22/04/2019 09:39

Do you have to communicate with him outside of work?

Singlenotsingle · 22/04/2019 09:43

So I don't really understand what his problem is. You had a fling with a work colleague, then it ended. It happens all the time. Why is anyone to blame? But yes, stay clear of him as far as you can. He's toxic.

Original poster
Archinet · 22/04/2019 09:43

I should also add, he raised his voice at me one day for not asking about his ex girlfriend. He got very angry whenever she came into conversation, so I just ignored the topic (who wants a negative conversation when they’re getting to know someone?). He said I never asked about her or tried to get to know her (I found this a very odd thing to say). I’ve since found out he’s spending the bank holiday away with her, on a romantic weekend. He told me they broke up before we started spending time together. Could he have been lying the whole time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Archinet · 22/04/2019 09:45

We don’t have to communicate outside work. I have a lot of work friends though, so it would be easier if it was amicable.

I don’t want either of us to take blame, his comments have just made me feel really rubbish. The first time i saw him at work afterwards, i had to run to the toilets because I was having a panic attack. I don’t know how to handle it

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 22/04/2019 09:47

He's a complete arsehole. Try to avoid having any contact with him if you can.

TeaStory · 22/04/2019 09:51

I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that he never broke up with his ‘ex’ at all, and he’s lashing out at you for fear he will be found out as a cheat.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 22/04/2019 09:51

He’s a child. Clearly not capable of adult sexual relationships.

Ignore. Smile and nod. Be civil at work. You don’t need to have any more contact with him via texts or anything. Work emails only if necessary .

Original poster
Archinet · 22/04/2019 09:58

The biggest one is the forcing thing. How do you get over sleeping with someone that feels like you ‘forced’ them into it? I’m mortified, I’m self conscious now for future relationships. I’m replaying everything that happened with him in my head and to me I was 100% myself. Is this him pointing blame by saying I forced him? He’s super tall and strong, we have sex over 20 times. I never forced him, not emotionally or physically

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 22/04/2019 10:15

Of course you didn't force him. That's nonsense.

It's a story he's spinning because it fits with the story he's spinning to his girlfriend.

Hold your head up and ignore this fool.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 22/04/2019 10:50

Yes, the only way to treat people like this is to ignore them and hold your head up high

Eustasiavye · 22/04/2019 10:56

Ignore him and if you have to speak to him just be polite and civil.
Sounds like he never split with his girlfriend and is trying to minimise his going with you.

Duchessgummybuns · 22/04/2019 10:56

He never broke up with her, that’s pretty obvious. You didn’t do anything wrong, I would restrict all further communication to work email.

ticketsonsalenow · 22/04/2019 11:18

He willingly allowed himself to get into a trouser-free situation and now he's blaming you because he's only a Man who can't help it?

He sounds a right charmer and you are well rid of him. I suspect that he was still seeing the other woman through the whole thing, and the only way he can wriggle out of being a cheat is to lay the blame at your door.

Just be polite, and if things get really awkward at work then you will have to speak to someone there and explain the situation. Otherwise I can imagine that he will end up bullying you and making your life at work a misery.

ThatLibraryMiss · 22/04/2019 15:06

‘because he’s a man’ he did it anyway

Poor mens, so completely in the control of that bit of gristle, so unable to make decisions of their own! You have to be sorry for the poor lambs.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 22/04/2019 15:13

Tell him to fuck off and keep away from you - he's nuts.

Original poster
Archinet · 22/04/2019 15:45

I think I’ve been so deluded by the fact he’s liked me. He’s said there has never been an issue liking me, and that it’s all the other factors that are keeping us apart. But then another day he’ll be mean. I might be wrong, but I think he’s a very confused man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Archinet · 22/04/2019 15:46

My problem is keeping head strong and not letting it get to me. With his mixed signals and seeing him every day I easily fall into his trap to only get hurt and blamed again

OP posts:
ticketsonsalenow · 22/04/2019 16:00

it's all the other factors that are keeping us apart

Oh like the fact that he is seeing someone else as well? He is giving you mixed signals because it boosts his ego. He then takes umbrage when you turn him down.

Like the fact that he criticises you and says hurtful things?

Original poster
Archinet · 22/04/2019 16:05

That’s what one of my friends said. He seems to want me and be nice to me when he knows I’m trying to stay away. Then once I fall for it, he’s nasty again. I can’t figure him out but I know it’s not healthy for me

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 22/04/2019 16:13

He's playing you like a violin. Now dance to his tune.

Michaelbaubles · 22/04/2019 16:19

I’d say he’s the opposite of confused. More like sly and calculating.

Of course you didn’t force him into sex 20 times. That’s completely ridiculous. And it does sound like he never broke up with the girlfriend.

I think you should reframe it as - he was cheating on his girlfriend (or maybe “on a break”) with you, and now he feels guilty and wants to rewrite history to make it your fault. He liked you enough to sleep with but not enough to throw the girlfriend over for - nothing to do with your worth or attractiveness, but more like he saw you as a fairly simple conquest as you liked him. He knew exactly what he was doing but doesn’t want to feel like a bad guy so comes up with this utter nonsense to make you feel bad.

CanuckBC · 22/04/2019 16:23

What an asshat! He’s obviously either been with his girlfriend all along or gotten back with her. He may have made up the story to get you! He is now being nasty as he is feeling guilty over cheating or because you have cooled things off and he doesn’t want you to tell his GF.

He is an ass and I would steer clear of him. Next time, call call him on it if you want. Tell him that you heard he’s going on a romantic weekend with his ex-girlfriend… Did she force him to go as well?!?

Middersweekly · 22/04/2019 16:30

Before you typed your second comment @OP I could already sense that he was pointing the finger of blame on you because he was still involved with the ex/current girlfriend. He’s obviously feeling guilty as he’s a cheating POS and this is his way of trying to justify his actions. My advice is.. ignore, delete & block! Don’t even acknowledge him at work. Do your job, get paid, go home!

NaBiAgOl · 22/04/2019 17:32

He sounds like he's re-writing history there.

You're the crazy one.

Why? is there a possibility he'll get back with his long term partner and he doesn't want ANYBODY at work to know that you and he were an item. Maybe he is thinking that his relationship might be able to get legs again if he confessed to sleeping with a woman who threw herself at him (yawn) but not a relationship. Maybe his x would start questioning the timeline if she knew it was a relationship. Maybe there was overlap.

Anyway, whatever his rationale is you can tell a lot about the futre by how he has re-written the past.

You are cast in the role of the crazy woman.

I'd nip it in the bud and say to him that if anybody gets to hear about it you're saying it was a once-off and you shrugged it off.

Do not let him cast you in the role of the predator in front of your mutual colleagues so that his old relationship is an option for him! She's a lucky woman, ha!

Or, maybe, there's somebody else at work he likes??????

NaBiAgOl · 22/04/2019 17:34

I agree with the poster before me.

NEVER mention it at work. Act normal around him. But block him on social media. If anybody alludes to it at work, don't comment.

Hold your head up high and never mention it. And if you do that, HE will look like the bitch and the fantasist. Unfortunately, if you try to get in there with your side of the story, the opposite will be true.