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Original poster

Husband had dinner with female single colleague

69 replies

pave70 · 21/04/2019 23:27

First post here so please go easy.

I have just found out by 'accident' when using my husband's computer that when he was recently on a business trip with a young and very attractive single colleague, he took her to dinner which cost £400 and the second night they went to the football together and then another dinner at a cost of £200. I saw photos on his computer of both evenings (her at the football and her with a celebrity chef) which he thought he had deleted. He said he took them as her phone had died.
My husband is pretty wealthy but I have never been for such an expensive meal in my life. My son is a huge fan of the football team that he went to see (but has never been despite wishing to go) and he did not mention it to him.
Our marriage has not been great over the last few years. There is no doubt we have grown apart.
He said he was just trying to be nice.
I feel it is the final straw - he has told me that nothing else happened. I just feel now that I cannot trust him at all.

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 21/04/2019 23:30

He took her to a £400 dinner - celeb chef and football match the following. If nothing happened (which I would highly doubt) then he was trying VERY hard to impress which obviously is more that just trying to be nice!!!

thenightsky · 21/04/2019 23:30

£200 a head? Wow. I'd be fucking furious too. Assuming he paid for the 2 of them.

CorlysVelaryon · 21/04/2019 23:32

I wouldn't like it either op. Indeed, it is how my xh's affair began. If they are forced to travel together for work then I think a standard evening meal together would be usual, not something so extravagant. Surely this will be frowned on if claimed as business expenses? Or did he use family money to impress her? I wouldn't necessarily end a marriage but it sounds like you need a frank conversation, significant changes and possibly couples counselling to survive.

SleepWarrior · 21/04/2019 23:36

If he was 'just trying to be nice' he'd have told you about it wouldn't he? Not sneak around taking photos but making sure they were deleted from his computer so you didn't see them. I also can't see that a 'just trying to be nice' dinner would ever come to £400.

The question is, is he trying to impress her (and she's not interested) or is there actually something going on/brewing. Unless there's a long list of other colleagues and friends (all platonic) that get the same treatment from him then I would not trust him either - sorry Flowers.

NaBiAgOl · 21/04/2019 23:39

Wow. He went all out there. Not a burger at the hotel bar. He really set out to treat her. He was behaving like a single man.

NaBiAgOl · 21/04/2019 23:41

I never let anybody i was certain i wasnt interested in like that treat me to more than a sandwich. But i know that is just 'my' code.

SkinnyPete · 21/04/2019 23:51

Does he expense the dinners and entertainment? Big difference if it's not coming out of his own pocket.

OldAndWornOut · 21/04/2019 23:54

Not big enough to let him off the hook though.
Why was he taking pics?

Original poster
pave70 · 21/04/2019 23:57

Thanks for all the messages. Much appreciated.

He paid for both dinners himself - not expenses. Claimed that she paid for the football tickets.

Don't know why the pics taken - I had perhaps stupidly thought she wanted them.

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 22/04/2019 00:00

I expense all sorts on colleagues, men, women, young, old, pretty, etc...

Shit, I even take photos of some of the nights out and share them between us, or even the company.

Unless this is coming out of his own pocket, and is a personal gesture, then I don't see the problem. If there are wider trust/relationship problems, then that's what to focus on.

SkinnyPete · 22/04/2019 00:02

If he's paid for both dinners himself, well, it does seem like he's trying to impress someone and go beyond colleague boundaries. Sorry ☹️

Humpy84 · 22/04/2019 00:11

I get the feeling op that this is his business ? Or were these expensed to his company ? Feel like second option unlikely as so expensive.

We can never be 100% sure of anything so common sense and wise judgment is the only thing you can go by.

Unfortunately I think it is highly unlikely that this wasn’t done to impress his colleague. If this was a personal expense or an out of the usual business expense.

If he doesn’t treat you to such meals, there’s you’re answer.

It does not sound like he is open or honest.

You could hire a private investigator as it seems like you will never get the truth. Sounds drastic but if it’s the truth you’re looking for and you don’t want to wait until he’s in love to find out...

I think my bigger issue is that you feel like his wealth is his wealth, and that you’ve no entitlement to share in it. It doesn’t sound like you enjoy a similar standing of living.

You deserve more.

Humpy84 · 22/04/2019 00:13

Just read the message that they were personal expenses.

I’m sorry op, wealth or not, this is inappropriate.

I would be furious if my DH did this and consider it a form of cheating or intending to cheat.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2019 00:22

He's up to no good, I guarantee it.

Chocmallows · 22/04/2019 00:39

Do not believe a word of it. Keep asking questions and watch for the slip ups.

When I caught my ex out he kept changing his story. In the end if you get him talking perhaps he'll run the script to the part where he will blame you for his behaviour.

managedmis · 22/04/2019 00:47

You actually have to ask all us on here?

LongTermHold · 22/04/2019 00:53

The dinner is one thing, but business dinners can be expensive.

The kicker is the football and not mentioning it to DS. No one does that by accident.

Sorry, OP. Flowers If you have access to a fair amount of money I would recommend getting a PI to confirm this and also to investigate your/DH’s financial position so you know where you stand.

Sadiesnakes · 22/04/2019 00:57

At best he really fancies her and is trying to have an affair with her. At worst he already is.
You have a serious problem here op. You need to contact a solicitor and start getting finances in order.

Sadiesnakes · 22/04/2019 00:58

And he will minimize everything for now, you must assume the worst to protect yourself.

MsDogLady · 22/04/2019 01:00

This woman has been his secret.

This says much more than ‘trying to be nice.’ He was investing big money in her. He wanted the pictures and had not yet moved them.

If all had been above board, he would have told your son all about the football.

Cut to the chase and hire a P. I.

MsDogLady · 22/04/2019 04:02

Your H paid quite a bit for his ego-boost.

If my husband did this, it would absolutely be a betrayal. The secrecy, the extravagance, the photos. I would know that he was romancing this OW.

Pave, he took you for a fool by spouting the insulting garbage “I was trying to be nice.”

You say that you’ve grown apart. That is not surprising, as his prioritizing another woman in this way would create emotional distance between you. I wonder what else he has been up to.

Whatever happens, do not take the blame for his unethical behavior.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/04/2019 04:35

I would be suspicious and furious if family money was spent to try to impress someone. I wouldn’t be bothered if they went out for a meal BUT the extravagance is a red flag for me sorry

PlatypusLeague · 22/04/2019 04:48

When does he "try to be nice" to you?

ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 22/04/2019 05:52

Christ. There's nothing innocent about that. My dh travels for work a lot but I can't imagine a scenario where that would happen.

ilikebeckerinmyoldage · 22/04/2019 05:55

Also, fancy restaurants, football tickets etc are planned occasions. They knew ahead of time they were doing this. It's not like it was a business trip and they've realised they had some spare time so popped out for dinner.