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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF is a nice guy but..... (weight related)

73 replies

Glitter00001 · 21/04/2019 21:40

I could really use some advice on my relationship. I'm prepared to be shot down here. Maybe I need that.
My BF of just over 2 years is a really nice guy. We get on well, we have fun times together but over the last few months his weight is really bothering me. He has always been a big guy but he's just getting bigger. He's put on around 4 - 5 stone since we've been together, he's now around 25 stone. I hate myself for saying this but I just don't find him attractive anymore. I struggle to do anything in the bedroom and don't really want to. But he's still the same person I met, just bigger. I've tried suggesting things to be healthier but it just falls on deaf ears. His best friend owns a pub, he socialises there a lot and drinks ten pints a night easily so obviously this doesn't help.
I want to end the relationship but I don't know if I'm being stupid and superficial. And I really don't want to upset him. I could just use a bit of advice. Thank you

OP posts:

Hearhere · 21/04/2019 23:35

It sounds like you'll always only be second fiddle to the pub in any case
he's not looking for a girlfriend he's looking for a nurse/personal attendant in waiting

KittyInTheCradle · 21/04/2019 23:55

@CoffeeConnoisseur wow that's mean

KittyInTheCradle · 21/04/2019 23:58

From experience with people who sounds similar, I'd predict your bf has some difficult emotional issues that he is not able to deal with. It kind of feels like he's burying his head in the sand.

Is this your impression? Has he had counselling or anything, or would he be up for that?

Ruru8thestars · 22/04/2019 00:01

I think coffee’s comment would be truthful not mean.

Grumpelstilskin · 22/04/2019 00:36

Nope, both the excessive drinking and weight would be a massive turn off. I would be very direct about it and not bother to dress it up. It's not normal at all to drink that much.

Grumpelstilskin · 22/04/2019 00:41

PS: What Coffee said isn't mean, it's honest. why should anyone enable and gloss over someone drinking that much. This is going to take an increasingly heavier toll on his health and appearance, not to mention the snoring which is very likely directly linked to the excessive drinking and weight gain. Maybe it's the wake-up call for him to admit that it is far from normal. Either way, I'd have low tolerance for being with a partner with an addiction due to past bad experiences. This would be a total dealbreaker.

Hearhere · 22/04/2019 01:37

I suppose you could give him a bit of a chance, I mean you could say ' well go to the doctor see if you got sleep apnea 6 months to lose some weight etc'
but if he wasn't willing to make any changes at all well it's just like you're not really on the same page isn't it, not really compatible!

Beautifullycalm · 22/04/2019 07:30

As I mentioned earlier in the thread I’ve been through exactly the same and ended it this weekend. I really love him but every week he was looking bigger and bigger. He talked the talk about dieting but ended up in the pub most evenings. It made me feel frustrated and sad. He made so many promises to me about how he was going to adopt a healthy life style but it never happened. I realised things were never going to change and he wasn’t for me. I’ve been missing him all weekend because he’s such a kind and lovely person.

Beautifullycalm · 22/04/2019 07:38

He was very upset when I ended it. I told him our life styles are incompatible .I like the going to the gym, yoga and walking. I am also worked in the NHS for many years and have seen with my own eyes how this lifestyle starts to impact health after the age of 50.

NorthernRunner · 22/04/2019 07:50

Wow 47, I thought you were going to say mid 20s!

I have a friend who is in this situation with her OH (he is also a friend of mine) he works full time and is heavily involved in local football team. He goes to all home and away games and as result drinks and eats terribly. He has put on a lot of weight and my friend is finding general day to day life with him very hard. He does see there is something wrong in his behaviour but is also feels trapped in this unhealthy spiral. It’s not at all easy to change these habits. You have to decide what’s right for you. Do you stay and have his life choices affect you, or do you go? No one can answer that for you.

cantwait2bfree · 22/04/2019 08:26

My H is like this hence my username. Promises all these years but the drinking has got worse and worse talk about the verbal abuse when he’s drunk etc so stuck because there’s a child involved but been planning to move out and I will eventually. Can’t sleep in the same room due to the snoring no sex. You don’t even live with this guy no kids involved. RUN it only gets worse. Holidays etc are not enjoyable with the snoring in hotel rooms and putting alcohol first than family . It’s absolute HELL please RUN

Beautifullycalm · 22/04/2019 08:36

Wow, this is making me feel better and that I made the right decision. I wanted to start my own thread but thought I’d get flamed because of the obesity issue

sanmiguel · 22/04/2019 08:39

OP, what do you want from your life? What are your hobbies? How do you like spending your time? If your answers mean this man's current lifestyle revolving around food and alcohol would not really feature in how you want your future, you've got your answer there. End it now before you have reason to regret many years of your life.

Butteredghost · 22/04/2019 08:45

OP you can end a relationship for any reason, even if it's purely physical attraction. Although in your case it's a lot more than that, your lifestyles aren't compatible.

If you do end it you don't have to go in to details about why. Say your lifestyles aren't compatible, you aren't connecting any more and you just don't the same. Which is all true.

Shitonthebloodything · 22/04/2019 08:49

Was all prepared to tell you how unreasonable you were being as my own DP is a big guy and has been around the 23st mark at times. Although he doesn't drink. But it's not really a weight thing it's a lifestyle thing.

I would end things and tell him that your lifestyles are incompatible and that you are concerned that in years to come you will end up becoming a carer for him. Tell him you want to become more active and have a higher sex drive etc. He likes his life in the pub so leave him to it. Two years is long enough, it won't get better.

Original poster

Glitter00001 · 22/04/2019 08:50

Thank you for all the replies. I'm relieved at the responses. I thought I was being shallow and was struggling to end it. I know what I need to do. Than you all for taking the time to reply

OP posts:

Beautifullycalm · 22/04/2019 08:55

Good luck OP, it’s not an easy thing to do but as PP have said, things will only get worse as time goes on

HJWT · 22/04/2019 08:58

@Glitter00001 I would say something along the lines of ' Im sorry but I am going to have to end the relationship, I do love you and want to be with you I think your a great person but I cant see a future with someone who doesn't care about their health'

Lobsterquadrille2 · 22/04/2019 09:15

Hi OP, you're not being shallow AT ALL. Really, to stay with someone like this and not express concern could be said to be enabling.

I am good friends with someone who used to be similar. He's now late fifties, a regular at AA (where I met him 11 years ago) and OA. He recognised that he was addicted to both food and drink, and his wife saying "sort yourself out or I'm off" was the kick he needed. He has been sober 11 years and is not slim but slimmer.

BUT they had been married years, had two children and the marriage still fell apart although he's grateful that she was so blunt.

This is no life for either of you while he's in denial. I echo PPs who say that alcohol tolerance in alcoholics can be huge; another friend could drink two litres of gin a day, go out for "a beer" and be coherent. He too has been sober for years. He has to want to make the change and it doesn't sound as if he does. I would definitely leave.

CoffeeConnoisseur · 22/04/2019 09:33

@KittyInTheCradle well I guess your opinion shows that one persons factual and honest is another persons ‘mean’.

stacktherocks · 22/04/2019 09:35

Jesus. He’s a morbidly obese person with an alcohol problem. I’m surprised you’ve managed two years as even at 21 stone he was already morbidly obese!

Whether anyone else could put up with that or not isn’t relevant, you can’t and that’s absolutely fine. Time to end it and move on. It’d be really hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who drinks every day and is so negligent regarding their own wellbeing they’ve let themselves balloon to that extent.

HarryElephante · 22/04/2019 09:42

Ditch the fat alcoholic and don’t feel bad about it.

Responses like this are ridiculous and the best part of mumsnet in equal measure.

I wonder if people apply this binary logic and absolutes to their own lives.

KittyInTheCradle · 22/04/2019 10:18

@CoffeeConnoisseur

I think I just found the 'ditch the fat guy' a bit flippant, as it doesn't sound like he's nasty, just unattractive to OP

But of course I do agree that if you're not happy in the relationship then you certainly don't have to stay with him because he's a nice person!

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