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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF is a nice guy but..... (weight related)

73 replies

Glitter00001 · 21/04/2019 21:40

I could really use some advice on my relationship. I'm prepared to be shot down here. Maybe I need that.
My BF of just over 2 years is a really nice guy. We get on well, we have fun times together but over the last few months his weight is really bothering me. He has always been a big guy but he's just getting bigger. He's put on around 4 - 5 stone since we've been together, he's now around 25 stone. I hate myself for saying this but I just don't find him attractive anymore. I struggle to do anything in the bedroom and don't really want to. But he's still the same person I met, just bigger. I've tried suggesting things to be healthier but it just falls on deaf ears. His best friend owns a pub, he socialises there a lot and drinks ten pints a night easily so obviously this doesn't help.
I want to end the relationship but I don't know if I'm being stupid and superficial. And I really don't want to upset him. I could just use a bit of advice. Thank you

OP posts:
Hearhere · 21/04/2019 22:08

He really does sound as if he needs help, but you shouldn't have to be his carer

Bringbackthestripes · 21/04/2019 22:09

Coffee how do i do that without saying that? It would hurt him terribly

Or it would give him the shock needed to make healthy changes?

I can't sleep with him all night because the snoring is intolerable. When I stay at his I end up on the sofa.

Due to weight, alcohol, sleep apnoea.....

You can love a person and not find them attractive but still want to help them, you can find yourself repulsed by someone you once loved, you can fall out of love and walk away- a whole load of options really BUT you said “he’s a nice guy but” .

You didn’t say “he’s the love of my life and I’m worried he is killing himself” or “I love him but he won’t stop eating or drinking” or “ help me to save this relationship”

So, much as you love him as a person and for the shared times you had, I think it is safe to say you don’t see your future with this man. The biggest favour you can do is leave and tell the guy why. There is NO way to not hurt his feelings. Dumping anyone hurts their feelings but saying to someone that you no longer find them attractive because they drink and eat too much and you can’t sleep with them because they snore too much due to their weight/drink and they are not someone you want to raise kids with is always going to be hurtful BUT you can’t spend the rest of your miserable life with someone because you don’t want to sound mean.

Original poster
Glitter00001 · 21/04/2019 22:13

Thank you for the replies
The drinking, he's always been a drinker. He just normalises it day to day I suppose. Because i don't drink much I've never really thought about how much is too much. That sounds strange writing it down and like I'm a bit stupid for not realising really. It's a few pints a few times a week at lunch, then ten or more at the weekend with some drinking at home during the week.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 21/04/2019 22:16

He will have health issues due to his unhealthy diet and alcohol intake and his liver must be struggling to cope.

It is fair enough for you to end the relationship, what is stopping you?

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 22:16

Can you have a trip down memory lane photo wise? Remembering fun times when he was slimmer may help. He must know your relationship has plummeted and not just the sex.
Me and dh have gained weight. But both accept we need to make changes!

Chocmallows · 21/04/2019 22:17

Wow, I consider that a lot to drink. If you had said a half to a pint a few lunch times or evenings and a binge once a month I would think more normal.

OliviaBenson · 21/04/2019 22:17

Hes an alcoholic. Don't waste your life with him.

Original poster
Glitter00001 · 21/04/2019 22:26

Thank you all for the replies, they are really helpful. I don't think ultimatums would work, I really don't think he sees a problem at all with his lifestyle. He enjoys himself when he's out. His social life is his friends pub. I appreciate the advice thank you. I don't have family here to talk to about this. I wasn't sure if it was me not accepting someone just as he is.

OP posts:
Beautifullycalm · 21/04/2019 22:31

OP I’m in exactly the same situation, I ended the relationship this weekend

Chocmallows · 21/04/2019 22:33

He can make his choices, but you don't have to accept them or him. If you do accept you are likely to become his carer in the near future.

madcatladyforever · 21/04/2019 22:33

10 pints a night would be the end of the relationship for me if he didn't listen
I wouldn't want to be with a drunk funcrooning or otherwise. I'd be very blunt with him about it. Men only understand blunt.

senbei · 21/04/2019 22:45

10 pints a night?!

Honestly, if I were you, I'd leave. If you want to end the relationship, you can do so for any reason at all. There's really no point staying if your heart just isn't there anymore.

If you do accept you are likely to become his carer in the near future.

I fear this might be your future too if you stay and he doesn't work on his alcoholism and weight.

wisequartet · 21/04/2019 22:47

10 pints a night?! He might weigh 25stone but his poor liver only weighs 2lbs

Hearhere · 21/04/2019 22:55

do you think he doesn't appreciate how harmful his lifestyle is, or does he think he has a very strong constitution and can get away with it because he's still young...something along those lines?

Hearhere · 21/04/2019 22:57

OP I’m in exactly the same situation, I ended the relationship this weekend
well done for taking the bull by the horns @Beautifullycalm, how did it go, cant have been easy?

Original poster
Glitter00001 · 21/04/2019 22:58

Beautifullycalm if you don't mind me asking, what did you say?
About being a carer, I've never considered that, the thought of it is horrible. Thank you all again

OP posts:
Original poster
Glitter00001 · 21/04/2019 23:00

Hear
I think he thinks his lifestyle isn't that bad to affect him negatively. He works full time and has a "normal" life to him

OP posts:
Hearhere · 21/04/2019 23:01

you dont say how old he is or how long his lifestyle has been as you describe but if the relationship progresses and you live together you would tend to slide into the role of default carer if his health fails

senbei · 21/04/2019 23:02

I think he thinks his lifestyle isn't that bad to affect him negatively. He works full time and has a "normal" life to him

Does all his friends have similar lifestyles to him?

RiversDisguise · 21/04/2019 23:02

I'd say he needs a wakeup call. I think you should tell him exactly why you can't be with him anymore

Hearhere · 21/04/2019 23:04

I suppose it is normal in the sense that it's 'the norm' for his social circle (if your social circle is the pub then drinking would tend to seem like a normal and natural thing to do!)
but normal is not the same as optimal or healthy, as much as we tend to conflate these things

Original poster
Glitter00001 · 21/04/2019 23:05

He's 47. He's not had children so plenty of free time to socialise all his life. Yes his friends lead very similar lifestyles from what I know about them

OP posts:
Mammatino · 21/04/2019 23:20

47 & in the pub every night? Get rid of him. Does he care about you? Imagine how much money he is pissing into his friends till. I used to run pubs and the people at the end of the bar night after night, weren't anybodies friends... Except the booze. Lovey you are obviously unhappy, you obviously want more from life and you deserve to be in a loving fulfilling relationship. Just tell him you don't love him anymore and you want more from your life than this.

Good luck.

PickAChew · 21/04/2019 23:23

You can quite genuinely say that you can't see a future with him. Just don't mention that you can't see a future that doesn't involve you sleeping on the sofa because his CPAP keeps you awake.

MrsMozartMkII · 21/04/2019 23:33

As PPs have said!, echoing your words, his lifestyle doesn't suit you. You're not one for the pub every night. You'd like to go for a walk or run, or play badminton, or whatever floats your boat. That you love his personality and character, but he's changed physically and it's not right for you.

I once had a boyfriend who put on a tonne of weight. Couldn't bear to have sex with him as he flattened me, couldn't breath. Bleugh. Way back then I was used to moving on so stepped out of the relationship fairly easily, which sorry, isn't much use to you OP.