Easter drama with my mum - who is wrong here ?

[AdviceNeeded3282]

Hi all,

I just want some plain and honest opinions here. Probably sound childish to some but here goes...

My DH has gone away today with an ex work colleague to a wedding for the day (someone they used to work with). He will be home late late tonight. Anyhow this has been planned for a while that he would be away Easter Sunday.

My grandma (my mums mum) has been saying for the past few weeks “Oh since your DH is away for Easter me and your mum should come over to yours for a take away, and it will also be 2 years that weekend that your grandad passed away (my mums dad)”. I said yeah okay, so they agreed to come up to mine however nothing was ever set in stone (as in the exact time they would come over).

So I thought the plan was my mum, gran and sister (who still lives with my mum) was to come over to mine and see my 2 DC’s (aged 3&6) and chill out with a takeaway.

So Easter Sunday is here, my DC’s stopped with my mum last night so me and DH could go out. She dropped them home this morning and DH was getting ready for the wedding. My mum goes “shall we still come over for a take away tonight?” And I was like yeah sure I don’t mind. Then she goes “okay do I have to bring your nan though ?” - she said it as a sarcastic joke; she finds my Nan annoying as she repeats herself a lot.

Anyhow I went out today with my 2 DC’s and my sister. I said “r you coming over tonight with mum and gran?”. She said yes. After we went out I dropped my sister back home to my mums house (5pm) and went inside. I shouted up to my mum “are you still coming over later as I’m going home now to get boys bathed”, she replied “what are you on about we haven’t got anything planned?”. I said “what are you on about we’ve had it planned ages that you and gran are coming over to mine for takeaway?”, she replied “nothing was ever set in stone and we didn’t agree times. I went round to your nans earlier and she didn’t mention it, she has had a whisky now so she isn’t going to want to venture out and I also can’t be arsed anyway”. So I replied “oh, great, nice one, so much for family, see you then” and stormed back to the car and went home.

So she made out like nothing was ever planned despite talking to me about it when she dropped my DC’s home that morning at 9am. Can I just mention her mother always does this (their relationship isn’t the best), constantly says stuff then pretends she didn’t say it. I’m hoping this isn’t the start of it because I’m furious.

Anyhow, when I got home I text her (i was angry). I text saying: “I've just asked DH & he confirmed you were on about coming over to mine tonight when you dropped DC’s off to me this morning. Why the hell do you say stuff then just pretend you never said it making it out like I'm crazy?! I'm livid.”.

Maybe I shouldn’t have text her. Her reply was - “Well if u want to pick gran up for 8 then that's fine u can come here if u want”

I replied - “Honestly I do not want too, you just made out like I made it all up and that you hadn't said anything - exactly what she does”

My mum replied - “Your gran did not mention it stop texting now just call me if u got anything to say” (my mum hates texting)

I then replied - “Honestly I'm absolutely fucked of completely at you! You went on like I had made it all up. She won't have forgotten because she was telling me it was the anniversary of grandads death - she was probably waiting to see if you would say anything and you didn't.”

Her response - “If u want to pick her up and come her then you can. Let me know but don't text me any more shit. Or your sister can just bring me and your gran to yours let me know. Do you want to arrange anything yes or no.”

My reply - “I am not arsed - just the way you went about it all has really peed me off”

Mum replied - “yes or no ffs. I'm trying to sort this and you won't answer your phone. I’ll get your gran to just come mine don’t worry about it”.

I replied - “Why you getting Gran to go yours ? Like you said she didn't mention anything”.

Mum - “Are u gonna answer the phone or just be an idiot about this”

I didn’t answer her call. She then text me going “That's it I'm done.” and blocked my number !!!!!!! Can I just say my mum is 54.

She eventually unblocked my number as I tried to call her several times. She answered my call an hour later and she was in the pub. I was like oh ok so your definitely not coming mine now then - and she was like “well have you spoke to gran ?” I said no have you? And she said no. I said call her then.

My mum called me back eventually and goes “gran doesn’t want to do anything tonight, we will do something Tuesday”. I just said yeah I’ll see, bye.

So basically I think my mum forgot about her own dad’s death anniversary (idk maybe she didn’t) and had a better offer and went to the pub. Either way I’m still so angry. She’s supposed to be my mum??

Well done if you made it to the end of my thread.

Well I think your DM was rude. You should've had a takeaway with just your DG and DSis.

Your mum was wrong to begin with, but she tried to put it right numerous times, and you replied saying you weren't arsed, ignored numerous calls and suggestions to firm up a plan, then get pissed that she went to the pub instead. She gave numerous opportunities to make a new plan. You were more intent on arguing.

So it’s the anniversary of your mum’s dad’s death and you dragged out a big dramatic argument with her. over a takeaway. After she had looked after your two kids overnight so you could go out with your husband. You realise how that reads?

Did you tell your mum you were thinking of her on her dad’s anniversary?

I notice you said something about so much for family when your mum wasn’t up for the takeaway. That’s ridiculous when you’d just had overnight childcare for two from her. That’s a real family commitment and help. You sound quite spoilt and immature.

I don’t know why you continued to pick and pick at this, especially dragging in your DH’s recollection on this etc. What a nonsense. Make your point once, then move on or stop engaging.

when your gran suggested the takeaway you said “yeah okay”. And when your mum mentioned it you said yeah sure I don’t mind. You say now you were looking forward to seeing them but it doesn’t sound like that. You can say that sounds great or I’d really like that.

I would be really gutted at myself for turning a minor issue into a big dramatic flounce and at this particular date too and worrying about that rather than enjoying a chilled night now.

I’m another one who thinks your mum did not want to spend the evening with your gran but did not want to admit that was how she felt.

Yes, it would have been better if you had been a bit clearer about what you thought had been arranged but I think your mum wanted an evening in the pub rather than listen to your gran - especially if she thought she would repeat stories about your granddad. I think she was so angry because she was found out and couldn’t pretend it was just a vague plan. I feel sorry for your gran. Next time just be really clear about arrangements.

I was all with you untill it started going back and forth with all the ‘are we - are we not’
You should have just shut it down and said no - or said yes please come to mine.
I feel like it was made more of an issue than it needed to be.
But also sounds like my MIL and DH relationship... soo. Fuck it, watch a film and forget about it.

Sounds like today was the straw that broke the camels back.

I took from the OP that her mum had form for doing this to her and today she was upset that once again her mum was pretending no plans were made.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I do think you need to accept your mum is not going to change.

I feel sorry for the Nan. She expected family-time and was done out of it one way or the other, probably by her own daughter not mentioning it so it didn't happen.

Childish behaviour is catching, you're in a role here of reacting to your mother. Step back, disengage, don't keep prodding. Pick your battles, basically.

My mum goes “shall we still come over for a take away tonight?” And I was like yeah sure I don’t mind

Not a confirmed plan, really. Sounds like you’re not bothered either way.

Surprised you don’t have a bit more tolerance for someone a) who just looked after your kids and b) on the anniversary of her father’s death.

Good advice from cluttersbugsmum. This sounds a lot bigger than just the takeaway situation this evening.

I just think a wedding on a Sunday is very unusual altogether.

Anyway, regarding your mother, she is not going to change so no point upsetting yourself.

If you felt like she was backing out, what stopped you from phoning your gran and bring her to yours? I would have 100% went ahead without her.
Why should you and your dg miss out because your mum got a better offer.

It’s an Indian wedding 3luckystars and most people are probably off work tomorrow.

Thank you all for your replies it’s really interesting reading how everyone sees it. Looking back I did over react. It just upset me that I thought they were all coming over and they didn’t.

I’ve noticed my mum will never fully commit to anything though when it comes to my Nan - I still didn’t expect her to let me down though. Example - my Nan asks her to walk her dog , and my mums response will be yeah sure, my Nan will ask for a time, and my mum will go “I’m not giving you a time because it depends on what I’ve got on but I’ll be round when I’m round”. Another example - this BH Weekend - my Nan will ask her “shall we go for a meal together with the kids on the Easter Sunday since adviceneededs DH isn’t about and she’s not on her own with the kids running riot ?”, mums response - “well I don’t know what I’m doing yet” - my mum knows full well she has no plans yet doesn’t want to make them with us.

Like various posters have said this is a list of numerous things.

You should tell your mum that in a calm rational way, face to face, don’t drag a load of old issues into it just say ‘it hurts my feelings when you’re dishonest and won’t commit to plans’.

Why not just makes plans on your own with your gran then?

Jeez oh.

The issue here isn't the takeaway.

The issue here is the mother's gaslighting.
A sign of a toxic person/relationship.

And the way she responded in the texts afterwards - deflection.
Deflecting off the issue of her gaslighting and making the argument about the takeaway instead, which is further toxic behaviour.

A shame, since it looks like its been passed down the generation from the great grandmother.
OP I hope that you find a way to deal with the situation so that it dousnt continue how it is, that between the generation of your mother and yourself you can break the old behaviour patterns and forge new and genuine connection and relationship. Though that might mean being harsh with her. Showing that you won't take that shit.

Exactly - I feel like she can be toxic. It was the fact she made me out to be a liar when she knew full well what was planned and would have rather gone to the pub than be with me and her DG.

It’s horrible falling out with family.

Do you think your mums memory is OK? I can remember a relative of mine getting very upset/angry when she had forgotten arrangements etc. And would deny arranging to meet, saying I didn’t agree. It was the first sign of what was to come sadly.

You sound like you are 15, and a cow to your mother considering she’d just had your kids overnight for you to go out on the piss🙄
If you were that desperate for them to come over why didn’t you say that morning ‘right, all come to mine for 7, and I’ll treat you to a pizza / Chinese / Indian takeaway to say thank you’

Would rather go to the pub than be with you and her GC? You had literally gone to the pub rather than be with her and your children the night before. Proper Jeremy Kyle family here by the sounds of it 😂

YANBU OP, this would drive me crazy.

She’s gaslighting you. I think she sounds immature and selfish. I can see why she is concerning you.

To deal with this properly, you need to calm down. You’ve identified the problem (she’s reluctant to make plans) so either text her with a time and place straight after a conversation with a plan, or accept that she is flakey. Anything else is going to keep driving you mad.

I think her dislike of texts is because she is dishonest and doesn’t like things written down.

Nixen your comment makes absolutely no sense. Me going out with DH was planned. Her coming to mine was planned yet she made out that I made it up then ended up going to the pub? I don’t understand how people who have never met me, know absolutely nothing about my life or upbringing, what I do for a living, then brand me to be from a “Jeremy Kyle” family 😂🤷‍♀️🙈

It’s clear that she knew full well what was planned, especially as she had discussed it with my DH that very morning. She was just flakey and decided she couldn’t be bothered any more / had a better offer so decided to make out like I had made it all up (that’s the part that makes me angry because it’s just her all over).

You asked for plain and honest opinions, and I’ve given you mine ☺️

You overreacted.