Easter drama with my mum - who is wrong here ?

[AdviceNeeded3282]

Hi all,

I just want some plain and honest opinions here. Probably sound childish to some but here goes...

My DH has gone away today with an ex work colleague to a wedding for the day (someone they used to work with). He will be home late late tonight. Anyhow this has been planned for a while that he would be away Easter Sunday.

My grandma (my mums mum) has been saying for the past few weeks “Oh since your DH is away for Easter me and your mum should come over to yours for a take away, and it will also be 2 years that weekend that your grandad passed away (my mums dad)”. I said yeah okay, so they agreed to come up to mine however nothing was ever set in stone (as in the exact time they would come over).

So I thought the plan was my mum, gran and sister (who still lives with my mum) was to come over to mine and see my 2 DC’s (aged 3&6) and chill out with a takeaway.

So Easter Sunday is here, my DC’s stopped with my mum last night so me and DH could go out. She dropped them home this morning and DH was getting ready for the wedding. My mum goes “shall we still come over for a take away tonight?” And I was like yeah sure I don’t mind. Then she goes “okay do I have to bring your nan though ?” - she said it as a sarcastic joke; she finds my Nan annoying as she repeats herself a lot.

Anyhow I went out today with my 2 DC’s and my sister. I said “r you coming over tonight with mum and gran?”. She said yes. After we went out I dropped my sister back home to my mums house (5pm) and went inside. I shouted up to my mum “are you still coming over later as I’m going home now to get boys bathed”, she replied “what are you on about we haven’t got anything planned?”. I said “what are you on about we’ve had it planned ages that you and gran are coming over to mine for takeaway?”, she replied “nothing was ever set in stone and we didn’t agree times. I went round to your nans earlier and she didn’t mention it, she has had a whisky now so she isn’t going to want to venture out and I also can’t be arsed anyway”. So I replied “oh, great, nice one, so much for family, see you then” and stormed back to the car and went home.

So she made out like nothing was ever planned despite talking to me about it when she dropped my DC’s home that morning at 9am. Can I just mention her mother always does this (their relationship isn’t the best), constantly says stuff then pretends she didn’t say it. I’m hoping this isn’t the start of it because I’m furious.

Anyhow, when I got home I text her (i was angry). I text saying: “I've just asked DH & he confirmed you were on about coming over to mine tonight when you dropped DC’s off to me this morning. Why the hell do you say stuff then just pretend you never said it making it out like I'm crazy?! I'm livid.”.

Maybe I shouldn’t have text her. Her reply was - “Well if u want to pick gran up for 8 then that's fine u can come here if u want”

I replied - “Honestly I do not want too, you just made out like I made it all up and that you hadn't said anything - exactly what she does”

My mum replied - “Your gran did not mention it stop texting now just call me if u got anything to say” (my mum hates texting)

I then replied - “Honestly I'm absolutely fucked of completely at you! You went on like I had made it all up. She won't have forgotten because she was telling me it was the anniversary of grandads death - she was probably waiting to see if you would say anything and you didn't.”

Her response - “If u want to pick her up and come her then you can. Let me know but don't text me any more shit. Or your sister can just bring me and your gran to yours let me know. Do you want to arrange anything yes or no.”

My reply - “I am not arsed - just the way you went about it all has really peed me off”

Mum replied - “yes or no ffs. I'm trying to sort this and you won't answer your phone. I’ll get your gran to just come mine don’t worry about it”.

I replied - “Why you getting Gran to go yours ? Like you said she didn't mention anything”.

Mum - “Are u gonna answer the phone or just be an idiot about this”

I didn’t answer her call. She then text me going “That's it I'm done.” and blocked my number !!!!!!! Can I just say my mum is 54.

She eventually unblocked my number as I tried to call her several times. She answered my call an hour later and she was in the pub. I was like oh ok so your definitely not coming mine now then - and she was like “well have you spoke to gran ?” I said no have you? And she said no. I said call her then.

My mum called me back eventually and goes “gran doesn’t want to do anything tonight, we will do something Tuesday”. I just said yeah I’ll see, bye.

So basically I think my mum forgot about her own dad’s death anniversary (idk maybe she didn’t) and had a better offer and went to the pub. Either way I’m still so angry. She’s supposed to be my mum??

Well done if you made it to the end of my thread.

She very obviously realised her mistake. When you text her and laid it all out she didn't argue and say you were wrong. She asked if you still wanted to do it.

Yes, she asked in a bitchy way and didn't outright admit she'd made an error, but it's clear she knew she did and wanted to gloss over that and move on to arranging the evening.

You ignore that completely and kept sending the same "you said it and then pretended you didnt" nonsense. You'd already made your point, she was trying to make a plan but you kept going on and on about it her mistake. Everyone of you behaved badly. Grow up.

That was a lot of information the highlights will do next time .
Your mum was a bit out of order if she didn't want to come round just say .
I can understand you being annoyed that she made out that you had no firm plans when you did but perhaps she thought you wouldn't be bothered.
Anyway let it go it's no big deal.

Hey, stop having a go at OP .
She knows what happened.

Grow up is so rude
Bet you would blow your top if you got told that in real life.

I'd be fuming Op I know the time wasn't set in stone but she knows as well as you do that they were meant to come to yours for a takeaway

And I was like yeah sure I don’t mind.

This bit makes it sound as though you weren't actually bothered if they came or not. If someone said that to me I would think they probably couldn't be bothered with me coming over and would probably not go.

You all need to chill out! Why has it got to the stage you are swearing at each other just because you didnt hang out and have takeaway?!
I get that what she did was annoying but after the first text you sent her indicating that you were cross you should have just left it. Now you have put yourself in the wrong too... by swearing at her repeatedly over a petty issue.
What she did was annoying and it's fine to tell her that you are annoyed.... but you've massively overreacted here.

You were very noncommittal with the I said yeah okay, so they agreed to come up to mine and shall we still come over for a take away tonight?” And I was like yeah sure I don’t mind. could you not have just said “that would be great, I will look forward to it” Rather than sounding like you couldn’t be arsed them coming?

Then Your gran did not mention it stop texting now just call me if u got anything to say” (my mum hates texting) yet you replied by texting more rather than phoning and having a discussion being as you had more to say.

She then asked you if you wanted them to come over, you didn’t reply, didn’t answer her call- no wonder she blocked you! You sound hard work.
Does it occur to you she may actually be sad about the anniversary of her dads death so is on edge and not herself?

Your mother was rude. Has she form for lying like this, and yes she clearly did lie. She just didn't want to go to yours.

Sorry you are upset, it wasn't a nice thing of your mum to do.

She was annoying and in the wrong but your response was very needy and childish.

You all need to start acting like adults.

What needless drama

I'm not sure she was lying though. You were pretty equivocal so she's right that you didn't have confirmed plans.

Not answering her call was a bit daft but blocking you is nuts.

Reading this in all honestly makes me confused. Some posters say she is totally in the wrong, others say I am??

For those that are mentioning I didn’t sound bothered about them coming, I did sound enthusiastic to them.

I probably did over re-act , I should not have swore, however how would you feel if your mum just pretended you made it all up and then went the pub? Please put yourself in my shoes.

This is so odd. You sound like you had vague plans that you weren't really bothered about. Your mum then changed her mind and perhaps made out the plans were less concrete than they were. You went massively OTT over it. If the take away was important to you you should have just been honest with your mum.

Of course she lied. The mother joked about not inviting the nan five or six hours before.

Vicky Pollard is real!

I get why you reacted. Have my own thread in relationships currently about my sister and not starting WW3

I've learnt not to react and wouldn't have started the texting. I'd have also when she said "what do you mean about coming over" just replied "don't worry if you've forgotten - see you soon".

Some people you just cannot win an argument with because they will always act as if you e done something wrong - even when you clearly haven't!

I don’t like it when people don’t do what they say they were going to , or let things slide.
If they let me know fine, if not it’s rude. Like they’ve chosen something else but you’re not important enough to be told that your evening is off.

So I get you op.

I think you both need to work on your communication skills. Sounds like a bit of an over reaction to a night in with a takeaway though. You are an adult now and your mum had looked after your DC overnight for you so it is not like she does nothing for you. Being your mum does not mean she should have to drop everything for you. She does have a life outside of you. Similarly she should not have gone off the deep end and blocked you. But then you should not have ignored her call. Honestly it sounds as if you are both at fault here.

I don't think your mum wanted to bring your nan around to yours tonight and listen to her, you said she gets on her *s repeating herself etc. Sounds like she was hoping your nan wouldn't mention it/would forget and it looks like she did (either that or you mum lied) but anyway she couldn't be arsed. She preferred going out to the pub and not having to listen to her mother or talk about the anniversary of a bereavement etc. She certainly didn't follow through on her plan/what she said about bringing her mother around to hers, instead she ended up in the pub (instead of a night in with her mum, daughter and grandkids). Yourself aside her attitude to her mum doesn't seem v nice, she doesn't come across as a particularly nice person.

Being your mum does not mean she should have to drop everything for you. She does have a life outside of you.

Where does the op say she expects any of this?

All she wants is some respect and to be kept informed.

The mother agreed to go a few hours before and then changed her mind but instead of being honest, she made out she had never agreed to go. The mother's behaviour is very odd. It was only a takeaway so no idea why she felt she had to lie

I missed the bit about your mum blocking you that sounds OTT too!

But, WHY keep asking each other if you're coming over? An arrangement is an arrangement unless someone cancels. You are givingbher chances to be flaky.

You both acted immaturely. 27 and 54 are both adult ages.

You have a right to be pissed off but dont block calls and texts, or ignore calls and texts.

This should not have been about what you have both made it about. You should be keeping your gran company at a difficult time... instead you chose to argue about your mum gaslighting you (totally valid but perhaps not the most important thing here).

I'd suggest speaking calmly to mum when you've had a moment. Explain why you got upset. Ring your gran and apologise for not keeping her company. Then arrange another time to chill out together and remember your grandad 😊 best of luck OP x

I probably did over re-act , I should not have swore, however how would you feel if your mum just pretended you made it all up and then went the pub? Please put yourself in my shoes.

If she does it a lot, that must drive you mad.

But, for your own sanity, try and break the habit of drama llamaing back at her.

Roll your eyes, say "you're going a bit dotty Mum - this was confirmed three times, but nevermind", then go home and watch a film and have a .

A frustrating situation but your reaction made it worse. Can you see how daft it all sounds written down? You wouldn't speak to her about it but just wanted to put your side across (hence the texts and not taking her call) and involving a third party as back up seems a little extreme for a takeaway.

Could be that you are both very similar and rather impulsive which won't help either. It really doesn't sound fun for either of you, frustrating on both sides - I haven't a clue what you can do about it though, sorry!

Your mum sounds exactly like mine. I get your frustration