Lying, cheating ****** need advice

[GreyCloud81]

I’m fuming, this is the anger stage. I know any minute now the crying stage is going to hit. I feel physically sick, and hurt at what has happened.

I was with my ExP for 4 years, no DC together, but 2 DSC. The beginning of our relationship was great, we spent so much time together, did fun things, holidays, great sex life. He had his DC eow, just on his own. At 9months I met the DSC, then 15months they all moved in to my home and my exP rented his property out.

We increased the access arrangement, and over the years I became an active SM. We went on family holidays, days out, and set up a business together etc. We had plans in place for the future, having a DC, getting married, etc.

Last year, my ExP tenants moved out, he then started staying “at his house” some nights in the week. This was fine, as I worked late some evenings, he was seeing friends, doing his hobby, and his property was closer to this and his work. As it was based in the town, whereas our home was 45 minutes away.

These nights started to increased, and there was a shift in his attitude, which now I see as huge, flashing, red flags!

I’ve just found out that since last year he had been with an OW. He had a complete separate life with her, the life of no responsibility. OW knew about the DC but never met them. I’m rageing at the thought of the man I love, living this separate life, whilst I cared for the DSC.

It has all come out in the open, the lies, the deceit, is horrific on all levels. I’m not saying our relationship was perfect in the last 6 months, as his change in attitude and absence caused numerous arguments in the relationship.

What next? I’m absolutely fuming.

He moves out and you move on with your life.

Hopefully he has already gone?

What next? You move on and cut him completely out of your life. It's over.

He s already an ex isn't he ?

He’s an ex now right?

Ditch him. Dump his stuff at his house.

Move on. He’s a cunt.

He’s gone yes, but all his belongings are still here and the DSC possessions. All contact has been blocked (by him).

I’m fuming and at a loss. Not only is my ExP a cheating scumbag, the last year of my life is a lie. I’m loosing the plans we made for the future, my partner who I loved so much and the DSC who where a huge part of my life.

Since the breakdown of my last long term relationship, I have struggled so much with my MH. This was a load taken off my shoulder, and I spent years not living with anxiety, depression or anything. Now I’ve hit rock bottom.

Yes he’s an ex now. But we have a business, so many financial lies and connections, it’s a huge fucking mess!

Why can people not love people and stay faithful? Especially when that person has given them their all. Why loose everything?

It feels like the “responsibility” relationship was with me, doing food shops, being a family, bills, work, cleaning, cooking. But the “no responsibility” was with the OW. She understands why now she never met the DC after all this time.

Do not put your mental health in the hands of a man.

Go to the GP, see a counsellor, take medication if you need to; do whatever you need to do to get well. Give yourself time, you’ve done it once and you can do it again.

I’m sorry you’re going through this

@WifOfBif
I did it once and it nearly killed me. It took me years to recover, and when I started to feel myself, I met the narcissist.

I went to my GP a few months ago as I couldn’t cope with the change of behaviour, and my anxiety took hold. I’ve been on AD and other medication for 4 months now, plus seeing a counsellor.

I can’t even be in my own home anymore, I’ve had to move out.

But it didn’t kill you. You are stronger than you think.

I’m not making light of it; my own mental health has been rock bottom and anxiety is fucking awful. I’m truly sorry you’re suffering, truly.

Take it one day at a time, it’s too much to think of anymore than that right now. You just need to get through one day, and then the next. Do you have friends and family for support?

I'm confused. Who is the narcissist? Do you mean your lying, cheating ex? Unfortunately there are a lot of them around but that doesn't make him a narcissist.
As you share a business you need financial advice. No contact is the way forward as you seem to know The end of a relationship is usually more than just the loss of a partner, it includes family members too. It's why breakups are often so painful

Second financial advice for thé business.

And let's hope his knob turns green and falls off.

Does OW know about you?

Yes he is the narcissist. He has lied, lived a double life, and only thought of himself. He has been so clever, making sure neither of us found out about each other, making sure a divide of family and friends was never crossed. He’s blamed me, made me feel that it’s all my fault. Now telling people that we weren’t together and that I’m deluded. It’s making me sick! How can i still love someone who has done this to me.

This has brought all my previous emotions, hurt and loss to the surface. It’s horrific.

My previous long term relationship, I had several still births and mcs. It was horrific. My ex cheated, and went and built a new life with a baby on the way before I found out the truth. When that happened rock bottom was the loss of my DC and the loss of the hope of a family. It took a lot for me to accept a new partner with DC, but at my age it’s hard to find someone. This time round I had a family, I got to know and feel what a family felt like with a loving (or not so) DP and I’ve lost that.

I’ve got a close friend who is helping me. But I feel bad for the strain and emotional rollercoaster I am putting her through.

@ahellthee yes I contacted OW to find out what was going on, before I spoke to exP. She didn’t know about me, and this has also filled lots of blanks for her to about the behaviour.

Don’t feel bad, lean on your friend. It’s so raw right now but it will get easier in time.

Lying and deception don't make him a narcissist. When people conduct affairs this is what they do. How else could they get away with it?

Lean on your friend. I'm sure you would do the same if she was in need of support.

I'm so sorry, I've been in very similar circumstance - thankfully our DSC lived with their mum so there wasn't much to pick up.

If you're like me, you'll be angry for a long time. I am more than 5 years out and I'd never enter a supposedly monogamous relationship again.

I’m hoping time will be the best cure, but right now it’s just a grey cloud.
Going to see if I can get the business valued and sell it. As it’s only our secondary income. Our primary income is separate, but intertwined somewhat, but easy to separate.

I’m leaning on my friend, but she burst into tears last night, and said she can’t cope at the minute as she has a lot going on with her own family. Just leaves me in a very lonely place.

The house just feels so empty, but yet everything is just how it was.

I remember feeling similar when an ex left. The house was still the say but I knew nothing would ever be the same. He never cheated, we just stopped getting along.

Life goes on, you will feel better but this is the worst part. Your mind is racing and it's hard to think you will ever be happy again

A year on, I love having the house to myself and rarely think of him.

One day at a time. You did nothing wrong. Take care.

When I was last at rock bottom, I moved out of my house and bought this property. It was too big, but I had the vision that it would one day be a family home. Now I feel like it was, and that’s it been taken away. It’s just going to be a big empty box again.

He is making out to everyone that I am in the wrong, and that’s the worse part. It’s like he hasn’t considered how many people he has and is continuing to hurt with all the lies. He’s told the OW that we have been separated since they got together, and that I’m living in fantasy land. Saying the holidays he went on he was alone, with friends or with the DSC. that he wasn’t living here the other half of the week and that I’ve just made a shrine in my home to him and boys, been our to buy clothes the same as what he is wearing on pictures. He is making me feel like I’ve lost the plot when I haven’t. It’s torturing me physically, mentally and financially at the moment, and using the DSC as weapons.

As another poster suggested take it a day at a time. Time is a great healer.

Make a list of things to do, this may help you to get it out your mind & cross off each item.

Pack his shit and the dsc bits up leave them out of sight or put them in the area where the bins go - he has blocked you so if the things get stolen his problem not yours.

Regards the ow, when/if she mets his kids she will possibly question the kids innocently and find out about you, holidays you had etc. She will find out the bloke she was seeing is a wrong un.

Also get the business, at this time he doesn't deserve to know what you are doing regards the business etc

As I said a day at a time.

You haven't lost the plot. Let him say what he likes, the truth will come out.

He's behaved appallingly so is trying to palm that off onto you.

I know it's easy for me to say ignore him, but you can't control what he says so best let him continue with his bs and tell everyone you don't want to hear any more of his lies.

You have had a lucky escape. He's a classic cheat trying to pass the blame onto you. Hold your head high.

I’ve sent the OW the pictures of us on the holidays together, and messages between us. I think she has a right to know the truth.

This is just fuelling his anger, as he has now lost us both. Well me for definite. The things he is saying are to the DSC, their mum, his family, friends, people I am working for. I’ve had people cancel their work with me. It’s horrible.

I’m going to place everything in the DSC bedrooms and shut the doors. There is no other reason I need to go in them rooms. I have made some lists, of things I need to do, sort. Just need to find the motivation, strength and focus to start.

Just wish I had more people to turn to, instead of feeling like the world is against me.

The world isn't against you. His family will likely want to believe him or want to stay out of it.

Seek legal aid re the financial situation and work towards not having to deal with him anymore.

This won't always have the grip on you it does now. You just have to get through this horrible transition period.

@whichwayforward
I know, I suppose it’s natural for them to take his side and listen to him. It’s just upsetting that after all these years of brining up the DSC like they where my own, they can just turn on me.

If the relationship has just broke down, it may have been easier. But to know have the betrayal and lies and hatred, it’s just too much. And also means that my relationship with the DSC can’t be maintained, which we had always agreed that it would.

It’s nice to here that your now happy, was there DC involved?

No DC involved in my case.

The DSC won't forget the kindness and love you showed, no matter what is said. Try and hold onto that.

I know you are in the thick of it now, but it will get easier. Time is q great healer. I'm not saying you will never feel pain over this, you likely always will, but it won't have the hold it has over you now.

I found reading helped me. I got some great books to help me keep my mind off things. It helped me in the early days to immerse myself in someone else's world for a while

Stay strong and remind yourself things will improve any time you get really low. It's good you are seeing a counsellor.