Lying, cheating ****** need advice

[GreyCloud81]

I’m fuming, this is the anger stage. I know any minute now the crying stage is going to hit. I feel physically sick, and hurt at what has happened.

I was with my ExP for 4 years, no DC together, but 2 DSC. The beginning of our relationship was great, we spent so much time together, did fun things, holidays, great sex life. He had his DC eow, just on his own. At 9months I met the DSC, then 15months they all moved in to my home and my exP rented his property out.

We increased the access arrangement, and over the years I became an active SM. We went on family holidays, days out, and set up a business together etc. We had plans in place for the future, having a DC, getting married, etc.

Last year, my ExP tenants moved out, he then started staying “at his house” some nights in the week. This was fine, as I worked late some evenings, he was seeing friends, doing his hobby, and his property was closer to this and his work. As it was based in the town, whereas our home was 45 minutes away.

These nights started to increased, and there was a shift in his attitude, which now I see as huge, flashing, red flags!

I’ve just found out that since last year he had been with an OW. He had a complete separate life with her, the life of no responsibility. OW knew about the DC but never met them. I’m rageing at the thought of the man I love, living this separate life, whilst I cared for the DSC.

It has all come out in the open, the lies, the deceit, is horrific on all levels. I’m not saying our relationship was perfect in the last 6 months, as his change in attitude and absence caused numerous arguments in the relationship.

What next? I’m absolutely fuming.

Hi GreyCloud

I’m a year on from a messy breakup. It’s a bit of a platitude but time really is a healer. It will get easier but for now you’re hurting and that’s entirely natural. It’s normal to feel rage when someone has treat you like shit. How dare he! The lies hurt too, unfortunately we can’t control what people say about us, only how we react. Keep talking to us if it helps. You already know your mental health is likely to take a dip, your priority should be managing that in this shitstorm so you can make it through to the other side and happier days that lie ahead. Xx

Thanks everyone. Today is a new day, and another day in the right direction.

I’ve tried reading, but I’ve always hated it since being at school. Never something that I’ve enjoyed. But I will give it another go.

Going to try and book an appointment to see my GP again tomorrow. As all I’ve done is cry, be angry and keep being sick. Suppose it’s a natural reaction to shock. X

Have you Netflix? Get stuck into a good series or two.

You can and will get through this

I agrée with Netflix. And a ton of chocolate Could you maybe take up a hobby. I know it sound silly but you need something to focus on. I do lots of online courses, I really enjoy those. OU offer some free ones. Or see what is on at your local community centre. I signed my mum up for ten tap dancing lessons one Christmas. She did them, said it was a right laugh, and she met some lovely people.

I'm so sorry that he is being such a twat. I would step away from OW and asked anyone who is telling you what he is saying. You need to focus on you, not what a piece of shit he is. You know that. Others will réalisé un time.

Big hugs

No magic advice but just to say I hope things start to feel better for you soon. What an arsehole he is.

I'm so sorry for you in the horrible situation you find yourself in. You need to try not to ruminate too much over it as that won't do your MH any good. Try to focus on your future or even just on the current moment.

Don't waste your time thinking about him - he wasn't who you thought he was. Don't worry about what others think either - more fool them if they fall for his persona rather than who he really is.

Presumably his DC will be staying at his house when it is his turn to share custody. They are children - they will ask about you and, if the OW is still there, she will know that you were telling the truth.

I'd bag up all his and his DC's belongings and ask him to arrange for them to be collected by a certain date after which you'll arrange for a charity shop to collect them. (Or if you have a number for his exW ask her to collect stuff for her children).

I'd have the barrels on the locks to your house changed to prevent him from returning when you aren't there (or from planting stuff to prove his stupid theory about the shrine).

Try to be glad that you've discovered this now rather than later. Try not to mourn the fact that you won't have the DSC in your life (I know it will be hard) but take comfort from them having been in your life. Enjoy your memories with them. I'm sure they will have good memories of times with you and who knows.....they may turn up to see you someday. Why wouldn't they?

Thanks everyone!

The priority is to find something that I can focus on. I have Netflix, mainly for exP and dSC and I’m not a person who can “sit” Think that’s where the problem lies. I love cleaning, washing, and doing the household chores.

I’ve looked at online courses already! I like learning. But I don’t know what to do I’ve spent 8 years at uni, training for my job. Plus I’ve done previous courses to train myself In accounting, book keeping, business management etc.... which support me in my field of work. I also support schools and higher education with career days.

The next step is to bag everything up, and get it out my house. But for the time being I’ve moved out and had the locks all changed.

We have holidays booked too! I could just do with a week abroad right now, but I just can’t face going on my own, and don’t have anyone to come with me!

We also have / had a SS home visit this week on Thursday. Due to circumstances with the DSC school, and bio M. It’s a huge mess!!

Online courses are fab. Spend some time looking at what's available. I get the impression you will be just fine. You are in the eye of the storm now. It will all pass

I like to listen to podcasts - the general chitter chatter is quite soothing, you can zone out if needs be and get a load of housework done without having to concentrate on a screen. There’s loads of informative ones out there if you enjoy learning 😊

Although you mightn’t feel like it now - the holiday alone might be something to consider. It’s quite exciting travelling on your own and doing/eat/drinking all the stuff that makes you happy and a great morale boost to know you can achieve things without a partner

OP how horrible for you, and very sad. I am so sorry.

As you have space in your house and are lonely have you thought of fostering or getting a lodger? Or even adopting?

If that is too much commitment how about getting a dog, if you are financially comfortable, as you sound, you could send the dog to daycare whilst you are at work.....they fill a house with fun and joy..and are always sooo happy to see you.

Also dog walks mean you meet lots of nice people daily, my friend met her future DH dog walking her rescue Beagles...

I hope you find something to look forward to that brings you joy

@whichwayforward thanks, I’m going to just try and throw myself into work for now. As that’s a huge part of my life.

@fonduefrolics podcast sound a good idea! I love cleaning, for some strange reason. And find it rewarding when I get into it. I don’t think I would be able to go on holiday on my own. I struggle living on my own, never mind travelling

@Dragongirl10 I could potentially get a lodger. I’ve thought about adoption but I think I would need to be in a better place MH. Whilst fostering is very rewarding and a great thing, I think I would struggle to detach a bond from a child. Even though I know I have supported them in the short term.

I would love a dog for the company, but have never been an animal enthusiast. Some of my friends would probably go slightly crazy if I got a pet.

Today has been ok, however more and more lies have come out the woodwork. I’ve also spoken to the DSC, through their bio mum. Whilst it was lovely, it was also very upsetting. It gave me the opportunity to set the record straight (not about the OW) but the fact my EXP told the boys I had thrown them out their home. It’s awful though, as they don’t sound like they where very well looked after this weekend, as they where in the same clothes all weekend, only had one meal, and slept in squat conditions.

They did enlighten me to the fact they had walked daddy’s “friends” dog, which I know is actually his and the OW, and that daddy has been upset as his friend was mad at him. Seems like his new family set up is there