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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've replaced his mother!

29 replies

allthechipsticks · 20/04/2019 20:25

Me and dp have been together 4 years and have a 15 month old dd together.

Before our daughter was born we were very happy going through life doing what we were doing because, in the grand scheme of things, we had very few responsibilities.

Since her birth my life has (obviously) changed in massive ways. My dp seems to be going on much as he did before. Childcare, life admin, household chores, shopping etc all fall to me or they just don't get done. I now refuse to do his washing because why should I?! Except now he's become more lazy in other areas because he knows that I will pick up the slack (as I don't like living in a hovel), including financially.

I've asked, begged, pleaded and shouted at him to try and get him to pull his weight and he will make a token effort for a week or so, pushing the vacuum round before he goes back to his usual self. Trying to get him out of bed before lunchtime at the weekend is a waste of time so I either take dd out without him or sit around at home all weekend which I hate doing because it's boring sitting in the house.

He's classed as self employed and his last years earnings didn't reach £11000. He's trained in a sought after skill which he no longer does (fair enough) and has had loads of job offers with it but refuses, has no savings or pension. Because he just doesn't want to however I then end up doing overtime to fill in the financial gaps and has said that he can just live on my pension when we're old (I told him no way and no we're not married).

I make sure he pays me house keeping each week as he can't be trusted to pay bills after he I didn't pay the council tax for several months and nearly landed us with a ccj. He could easily go back to his previous work for a couple of years to help us financially until I've finished my diploma and had my pay rise but he just doesn't want to.

I'm knackered, I work full time (12 hour shifts, days and nights) have a young child, do all the house hold tasks and as part of my work contract I've got to complete a HE diploma as well. I want to buy a house which he says he wants to as well but feel I'm the only one making any sort of effort saving.

His mother freely admits she used to do everything for him (he still lived at home when we met, he was 34 then) and especially since our daughter was born I've started doing the same because I get fed up of asking for things to be done and getting nowhere.

He recently missed our first holiday abroad for a family members birthday because he didn't get his passport sorted in time despite having 6 months to sort it. Even when we were away he couldn't be bothered to text or call to see how dd was he only knew we were having fun because sent him pictures and FaceTimed him.

We've had sex twice since dd was born and haven't had it in the last 6 months. I can barely stand him touching me especially as it's usually a grope. There's no intimacy at all and tbh I'm to tired anyway. Now even if he did start pulling his weight at home I've lost that much respect for him I don't think it would make much difference with my opinion towards him and consequently our relationship.

I could afford to live on my own but it would be even more of a struggle than it is now and I don't think he'd leave willingly anyway so I'm stuck for the moment. I can see me leaving before the end of the year.

I'm not really sure why I'm putting this on here it's just nice to get it off my chest I guess. He is aware of the issues but just doesn't seem to care enough to change and I'm just fed up of it all x

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 20/04/2019 20:31

To be honest I don't see how it would be worse living just with your DD. In fact it would probably be easier as you do all the work anyway and then you wouldn't have to subsidise him. Tell him you're done and he can go back to his mum's. Whose name is the house in?

Quartz2208 · 20/04/2019 20:36

Do you own the house or rent and in whose name?

You are no longer in a relationship anyway so has to end

girlwithadragontattoo · 20/04/2019 20:38

Your already a single mum with a house guest basically. I'd move out, maybe speak to his mum and explain to her why your going if you think he won't leave, she may be a big help having her on side.

Original poster
allthechipsticks · 20/04/2019 20:39

The house we're in now is rented in both our names. At the minute I'd struggle to afford it on my own. Hopefully if this year goes to plan with my HE diploma I should be getting a pay rise before Christmas which will make life much easier. I know I'm going to leave i just can't go yet. He's not a bad person or dad he's just lazy and I'm fed up of doing it all, you're right id be no worse off on my own I'd only have one person to pick up after though

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 20/04/2019 20:43

Dump
LTB
Ditch him
Get rid
Lose 10 stone of useless weight
I could go on but you get my drift.
What an absolute waste of space. His mother ought to be ashamed. Good luck with ditching this waste of space, you deserve 100 times better.

Original poster
allthechipsticks · 20/04/2019 20:44

I feel so stupid I genuinely though that once our dd was born he'd realise that children aren't cheap and buck his ideas up. I then thought when I went back to work he'd start pulling his weight at home because I wasn't at home all the time anymore, neither have happened unsurprising really

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/04/2019 20:44

When can you break the tenancy because I would and get your own place that you can afford on your own

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/04/2019 20:48

I couldn’t hack dealing with someone like that. I’d have to call it a day,
You’re a single parent already tbh

Coyoacan · 20/04/2019 20:48

Could you get someone else to share the house with you? Or talk to the landlord and ask them if you can leave before the year is out?

Petalflowers · 20/04/2019 20:54

If you can’t leave now, then start planning for when you do. Plan a date for when you want to,leave, and work towards this. Maybe if you know you are going to leave, then you will have something to work towards.

Original poster
allthechipsticks · 20/04/2019 20:54

The tenancy is rolling so I can go it's just a financial problem I have. I've been living with it since I went back to work I can last until Christmas. I've got my plan I just need to stick at it

OP posts:
ArkAtEee · 20/04/2019 21:47

He is a bad person and a bad dad. Just because he's not hitting you or calling you names doesn't make him a decent person. He sees you struggling and doing all the work in every area of your lives and won't do anything to help you. I'd put as much money aside as possible and leave as soon as you can. Is there anyone else who can help you with childcare?

Decormad38 · 20/04/2019 21:53

He’s a loser. Dump him. You know this.

timeisnotaline · 20/04/2019 21:56

What arkatee says. Why do women give these men such a free ride?! He’s not paying for his daughter, he’s not providing her with a clean house, he’s not buying her clothes , he’s not cooking her meals, he’s not parenting her at all weekends till lunchtime at least - that is a lot of parenting missed; he is a terrible dad. He’s a shitty arsehole of a dad, and he doesn’t care. I hth you leave him as soon as you can.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 20/04/2019 22:00

He's not a bad person or dad he's just lazy and I'm fed up of doing it all,

Yes, he is. He's a shit dad. I'd speak to your landlord, he might release you early or have another property you can move into. He was already a lazy loser when you met him.

Grumpelstilskin · 20/04/2019 22:49

Dump! Find a cheaper property. It probably will be easier without him around, as you won't tidy up after this entitled, lazy manchild.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 20/04/2019 23:52

I'm afraid he is a bad father. He doesn't provide anything like enough for his child - not in terms of material stabilty, quality time, taking her needs onto account, day to day care, anything.

I know it's a huge taboo to admit that someone isn't a good enough parent, but in this case it's true - leaving aside the usual weak assed lines about "but DD adores him" and "he'd do anything for his kids", what does he actually do apart from leave the shitwork to you and OPENLY STATE that his plan is to live off you when he is old?

Leave him. Leave him now. He's a drain on your resources - both mentally and physically.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 20/04/2019 23:59

I genuinely though that once our dd was born he'd realise that children aren't cheap and buck his ideas up. I then thought when I went back to work he'd start pulling his weight at home because I wasn't at home all the time anymore, neither have happened unsurprising really

Why would he? Being lazy is working out really well for him. He gets lie ins, doesn't have to do anything he doesn't feel like doing, minimal childcare and all the time you're bankrolling him. Where exactly is the benefit for him in changing?

I
It's easy to assume that he doesn't realise he's being a lazy cocklodger, and if you could only explain to him why what he's doing isn't OK then he would change. But that's not the case - he doesn't want to be different. What's in it for him?

SandyY2K · 21/04/2019 00:03

It seems you'll be leaving him...but I would probably tell him that unless he pulls his weight and gets a job, the relationship has no future.

He needs to understand that any changes need to be sustained.

I can't see him changing though. He's got away with being so lazy for so long and probably thinks you'll always be there.

He clearly doesn't realise it's so unattractive him talking about living off your pension.

Weenurse · 21/04/2019 05:30

Glad to hear you have a plan

Mememeplease · 21/04/2019 05:37

Get maintenance from him and possibly tax credits or whatever help you can get nowadays, send him home to his mother, move to a more affordable place if you can and then have a bit of "you time" when it's his contact time with dd.

It's pointless prolonging the inevitable.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2019 05:50

If you would be honest with yourself, you would admit that you knew EXACTLY what he was like before you had his baby. Now the blinders are off and it's time to stop wasting your life with this useless mummy's boy. You will be so much better off without him.

ukgift2016 · 21/04/2019 06:27

I feel so stupid I genuinely though that once our dd was born

No, a baby rarely fixes a relationship. It pulls it apart.

He is not just lazy, this 'man' goes beyond lazy. He is a total loser. You need to stop funding his lifestyle and tell him to leave. You are already a single mother.

What a life eh.

Nc1548 · 21/04/2019 06:39

I can see me leaving before the end of the year.

Good to read, I think you will find life easier with just DD to look after and without the stress and anxiety he causes you.

boatyardblues · 21/04/2019 06:39

This relationship is awful role modelling for your daughter. Would you be happy for her if she had a relationship like yours? Separate asap and make a life for the two of you. If you meet and settle down with a decent man in the future all good, but at least by separating you won’t be giving her the idea that being used in this way is OK.

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