Do people ever wak-up from their mid-life crisis and regret having become estranged from their spouse?

[eekra]

My brother and SIL are splitting up. My SIL still loves him and wants him to be happy. I don't think he knows what he wants except to be happier. They've been together over 10 years, they have 2 youngish children.

I want to support them and I don't know how best to. I wish my brother could address his unhappiness and desire for a life-change without having to break up their family. I'm worried he'll end up hitting rock bottom and regretting it. Does that ever happen? Or will they both emerge happier from the split a few years down the line.

At the moment, it looks like they'd split amicably but I suspect beneath the surface there is much more going on.

How can I help them? I can't stop crying since I found out. I love them both.

I think my husband is going through a mid life crisis. I wish that I was joking when I say that we had the perfect marriage, because it would be easier to accept. His hatred and blame is all directed at me. He lies so much (and I know the truth to his lies, which makes him look pathetic). My husband used to be a good and honorable man, but has fallen from grace big time. BD was 3-21-15, so it's still fairly early. My coping has been to live my life as though our marriage is over and he's not coming back. It is often very hard, but necessary. I know he lies, so I don't even bother to try to catch him in the lies. I'm protecting my heart so that I can move on with or without him.

I would imagine that the lies, bad mouthing me, the selfishness will all come back to haunt him.

I think people absolutely do have this kind of 'crisis' and come to bitterly regret it

But some people just decide that life's too short and try something new (and often difficult) to make themselves happy, especially if they have felt that they haven't been putting their happiness first

The problem is that no one can know from the outside which of the two groups the person is going to be

Does your brother have any idea at all what 'happier' will look like to him? What he'll need to be happy? Because if he is unsure of that it could definitely backfire on him

The people I have known irl who have ended up regretting a split and begging to return have been the ones convinced that single life/shagging around/having no ties will cure all their problems and reality has been completely the opposite. But I do know of at least two people who had affairs and ended long marriages and are now much happier with their new partners and their new lives

Fairylighrs, your point is perfect. When does ones own happiness become more important than the children's? As an adult I seek out happiness in a way that won't sacrifice my children's or even my husband. When I got married and had children I made a commitment to them.

My DH bitterly regrets it. She was a colleague, 10 years younger than me, lived overseas, so they only saw each other occasionally for illicit stays in top hotels. She was 'so calm' compared to mad old me, the wife who didn't think the sun shone out of his arse, especially when he was treating me like sh*t. When I found out I filed for divorce straight away. That took the shine of his new wonderful romance in a hurry. Plus 'her calmness' as I called her turned into a right bunny boiler when he dropped her. The whole thing was a huge embarrassment to him, and although we eventually got back together again and have made a very happy life together it has changed things. No second chances. I still love him, but not like I did. I don't adore him. I could easily leave him because I know I'd be ok on my own. I was before. It's a shame really. Before his affair I really did adore him. I'd have done anything for him. He didn't appreciate that and now he's lost it.

Double zombie!

really struggling with this myself at the mo' - hubby left after Christmas to 'sort his head out' found out he was having and affair long and short he had a mini breakdown we started looking at reconciliation I then find out about another affair several years earlier that he forgot to tell me about so I kicked him out and funnily enough he's back with the OW from Christmas. I hear lots from him that he's confused (which actually I think means wants cake and eat it) he's between his mates and his OW at mo' although he had moved in with her for a bit then moved out again due to his 'confused state' - he comes round to look after the kids (I make sure I'm out) he's hugely remorseful admits out marriage wasn't that broken but think his head is so up his '*' in his affair he's just gone with the easy option. I'd love to think he'll come to his senses and move heaven and earth to win me back but tbh I don't think he has the strength of character - he know's the damage he's caused and is having a tough time facing it so its easier just to set up an alternative reality. I'm trying to process it all and its the toughest thing I've ever had to face but I'll get there and with any luck by the time he truly wakes up I'll have moved on to someone much less self centred - its just so sad that's how I feel really really sad 17yrs married, lots of amazing good times and 2 beautiful children. Off to read women are from venice men are from mars' as I think it may help!!!!

Triple zombie

Do I win?

Twat. Reported.

I know, Empress.

H did not come back. He left after nearly 20 years and two children. He does appear happy as she is now pregnant. It has taken me a long time to move forwards and I honestly cannot imagine kissing him let alone anything else. He absolutely broke us.

fAIRYLIGHTS said "and what about the people and children they left behind? The ones they made promises and commitments too? How miserbale in the first relationship do they have to be to offset the grief they will cause? How MUCH happier does the 2nd relationship have to be to offset it? when did one's own happiness become the absolute be and end all at the expense of everyone elses?"

Absolutely.

I had problems, thought it was the marriage/husband which was to blame. I have regretted it bitterly since.
The first few years I found my independence, got help and was happier, was still friendly with ex, saw him a lot...we had 2 children.
When I was thinking I had made a big mistake he met someone who whisked him off. Too late.
I have been a complete idiot but had no support, was very confused there was a lot to unravel and I couldn't stand making my ex unhappy during the process. He wasn't perfect by any means but I think we could have worked it out with help.
Still miss him.

This thread just won't die will it.

Oh Greengrass that's so sad. We all make mistakes. Can your daughter not visit in the holidays ? Have you tried to get out and meet new friends here? You perhaps need to build a bit of a life separate from your new partner. Hope things improve for you

Excuse the ignorance... what's the zombie thing all about?

Confused, if you notice the date of the original post, you'll see that this post has risen from the dead a number of times in 8 years, usually as a result of a spammer posting an advert.

Unfortunately well meaning people then tend to post "Reported you spammer", which removes the "Zombie thread" warning and leads to other people posting, thinking it's a current thread.

an old tread that hasn't been posted on for a long time (years) that someone then comments on resurrecting it = Zombie Thread.

The thread may be old but I noticed it today.

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