Am I being unfair to dh?

[codenameduchess]

6 years married, 1dc aged 4 and one in the oven.

DH is so frustrating and infuriating, I've lost my shit tonight and told him to sort his shit out or gtfo.

He's the most unhealthy man in he world, he eats nothing but junk food, no fruits/veg and very little fresh as it's mostly white bread, cheese and processed foods. I cook fresh and healthy meals for me and dd but he won't eat them. He also does no exercise at all, he's so lazy.

As a result of lifestyle he's pretty unhealthy, and always ill. He's asthmatic and has a crap immune system and every other week had some bug or other that inevitably leads to a cough and a week of 'woe is me' from him while he coughs constantly and keeps us all up all night. He has the most irritating cough too, it's unnaturally loud and is genuinely causing me physical pain.

He's moody and always the victim, everything is someone else's fault. I suspect also affected by his general shitty health, I get grumpy when I eat badly and/or don't exercise. I'm by no means ideal, but am generally healthy and actively trying to improve my weight issues, he won't accept it's an issue and is getting worse.

I'm in bed at 8:30 with my tablet just so I don't have to be around him after I lost it. Surely it's not that hard to take care of yourself for the sake of your child? What example is that setting for her? I haven't slept for a week because of his coughing even though he's downstairs and I'm up it's so loud.

Obviously there's other things that annoy me, but right now it's his total disregard for his health that is the issue.

No you are not. Sounds very frustrating.
Why won't he eat the food you cook?

Insist he goes for a health screening and cholesterol check. Can you talk to his mother about it without her protecting her son? Maybe a joint approach could work.

Well it depends what you want to achieve. If you want to motivate him then this is the wrong way to go about it. If you want him to leave then it’s a start.

As with all these things the question is why is it now an issue? You mention dealing with your own weight problems. Does that mean you have adopted a new food regime? In which case it is unfair to impose it on him by threats and sulking in your room.

Has he always been this way? Some people eat junk food and are still healthy. Others say healthy foods and can still be sickly....so it's not always linked.

You haven't mentioned him being overweight. Is he?

The cough. I notice men tend to have loud coughs.... it can be irritating. Perhaps you could invest in some earplugs.

Does your H have a response for his constant bugs?

Was he like this when you met him? I would struggle to find someone attractive who was like this.

His appalling diet and lack of exercise is most definitely the cause of a lot of his problems (both health and mood). But if he's not willing to change, it's limited what you can do. I wouldn't buy any unhealthy food nor prepare any for him so he'd have to do his own food shopping and food preparation if he wants to eat junk. Of course maybe he does that already but if he doesn't, making it harder for him may help a little.

No new food regime, I've always enjoyed cooking and love cooking fresh! I've always tailored menus to his requirements as he's always been fussy but he's gotten so much worse in the last couple of years. I enjoy exercise and love going to the gym, but accept dh doesn't so don't force it... his only hobby involves sitting for 6+ hours and his job is desk based so he needs something- a couple of walks a week would do!

He has no family to speak of, but it's lazy parenting that started it all.... his mum never cooked or gave him decent food so he decided he didn't like it and now won't try anything.

It's an issue now because he's getting worse and his health is shocking. Before he'd get a couple of colds a year and now it's every other week, he'd have a day out with lots of waking or activity and now he won't even consider it. I've tried the soft approach, being supportive and talking/working with him but he can't be arsed, I've just had enough. My daughter isn't growing up thinking this is ok.

I think whether you’re being unfair or not depends on whether he was like this when you met him...? If he was, and it irritates/frustrates you to the extent it clearly does, id be questioning why you got together with him in the first place (did you think he’d change?). If he wasn’t like this when you first met, then I’d actually be quite worried about why he’s changed so much. Either way, if you’d like him to change then you’re going to have a supportive, but honest conversation with him. Do you care about him? If it was my partner I’d be genuinely concerned about his health.

@HundredMilesAnHour i already refuse to buy or cook it, he'd rather have 3 sandwiches with shorty wafer thin ham and a massive bag of crisps than eat a proper meal (and I'm a good cook, dd eats everything!). He wasn't as bad when we met, was reasonably active and more willing to try things.... it's the last few years it's all gotten worse. He's gained quite a lot of weight.

Men do have louder coughs, but it's really something else! I've tried ear plugs and can still hear it.

Regarding his food could he have arfid or sed?

Well time will tell whether your words have had any impact on him.

I can understand your frustrations, but I'm just trying to imagine how it would be received if a man said what you did to his wife in the way you said it... "sort yourself out or GTFO"

I imagine someone will suggest he's depressed in a minute.

My ex was like this. Horribly childish with food. Very faddy. So off putting having squash and sandwiches on the plate like a toddler.

Randomly, check the cough isn’t asthma. If it is taking an inhaler will help. He needs to ask his GP. It won’t solve the other issues sorry but at least the loud cough will stop

Regular exercise is great for an asthmatic and one of the best exercise regimens is swimming or walking. Low impact low stress on the body. Lots of water and vitamins and minerals and a preventive steroid inhaler is usual regimen (at least here in the states.) I had severe asthma most of my life and I feel awful if I eat crap food. You are what you eat!

Well, here I am.
Could he be depressed though, seriously?
I'm terrible for eating rubbish and lolloping about when I'm down in the dumps, but even I could manage it with a lovely partner cooking nice things and encouraging me, so, could there be a deeper reason, do you think?

He is a grown man. You cannot force him to be healthy or to eat proper meals. You knew when you met him that he had 'issues'

Ok, going to go against the grain a bit here. I have an ex who was extremely controlling about food, diet, exercise etc. She may have had a point but by constantly criticising, judging and belittling me she made me so unhappy that I developed much worse eating habits including secret eating because I was unhappy and stressed. You sound very angry and frustrated with your dh and this makes your post come across as being harsh and judgemental. It may well be a vicious circle and no matter how "right" you are regarding his health you may not be able to improve it by carrying on down the same road.

He's an adult. Its entirely up to him whether he wants to eat junk food or healthy food. You seem very critical of him but if he's always been like it then why did you marry him? Maybe you'd be happier with someone more compatible

He needs to get a medical checkup. Are we sure it’s asthma and not something worse? Is his heart OK? A cough could be so many things.
Could be horrible allergies, could be heart failure, could be lung cancer, could be just asthma.

Good luck to you.

OP my DH can be like this. He got a nutribullet for Christmas ( from the kids) and has got really into smoothies.

He likes making them and can cram in his 5 a day in one go!

So you are cross with him because he is poorly? (not sure his diet is particularly relevant here unless GP has told him it is) That seems a bit sad!

Do you love your husband? Because, TBH, the way you've talked about him makes me cringe. You said he had terrible parenting, which often leads to self-esteem problems. Do you really think you're helping when you're obviously dismissive and angry about his health problems? Stress plays as much a part in illnesses as diet and exercise. Since he's "always been this way" and yet gets sick more often, maybe you need to reevaluate the way you've "been supportive. "

Because if this is the way you talk to him, you're undoubtedly hurting him and making the situation even worse.

You need to decide if you're going to love him, or continue to despise him. Believe me, he knows how you feel, and your DD does or will know that, too.

Tell him to come and stand in front of a full—length mirror and take a good, hard look at himself. Ask him if he is the man you married, or if that was false advertising. Tell him that you are deeply resentful that he is killing himself with his shitty lifestyle and you are finding it hard to respect him, let alone find him attractive. Especially if you work so hard to be attractive for him. Ask him how he’d feel if you let yourself go and turn into a frump.

Surely you know what he's like by now if you've been married 6 years? If he wants to be unhealthy just let him, stop cooking enough for him and concentrate on keeping your child and your bun healthy ☺️

Just a thought but with my nurse hat on here. A persistent cough can be an indication of poorly controlled asthma. He will need a review at the gp. Is he on a long acting inhaler or does he just have one short acting?
His other health needs can be addressed to at a check. Weight? Blood pressure?

Step 1. He must go and see a GP about his cough and for a health check up with blood tests for CBC, Chem 7, anaemia and vit d, cholesterol and fasting sugar (diabetes) etc etc

Step 2. There isnt a step 2 until step 1 is completed.