Am I being unfair to dh?

[codenameduchess]

6 years married, 1dc aged 4 and one in the oven.

DH is so frustrating and infuriating, I've lost my shit tonight and told him to sort his shit out or gtfo.

He's the most unhealthy man in he world, he eats nothing but junk food, no fruits/veg and very little fresh as it's mostly white bread, cheese and processed foods. I cook fresh and healthy meals for me and dd but he won't eat them. He also does no exercise at all, he's so lazy.

As a result of lifestyle he's pretty unhealthy, and always ill. He's asthmatic and has a crap immune system and every other week had some bug or other that inevitably leads to a cough and a week of 'woe is me' from him while he coughs constantly and keeps us all up all night. He has the most irritating cough too, it's unnaturally loud and is genuinely causing me physical pain.

He's moody and always the victim, everything is someone else's fault. I suspect also affected by his general shitty health, I get grumpy when I eat badly and/or don't exercise. I'm by no means ideal, but am generally healthy and actively trying to improve my weight issues, he won't accept it's an issue and is getting worse.

I'm in bed at 8:30 with my tablet just so I don't have to be around him after I lost it. Surely it's not that hard to take care of yourself for the sake of your child? What example is that setting for her? I haven't slept for a week because of his coughing even though he's downstairs and I'm up it's so loud.

Obviously there's other things that annoy me, but right now it's his total disregard for his health that is the issue.

I feel your pain OP. There was a man on the bus the other day and his cough was so loud (and frequent) the journey was 30 minutes of torture. I remember thinking "god, his poor wife, having to live with that" - she looked pained.

Agree he should get medical review. But it honestly sounds like you just don't love him.

His coughing is caused by his Asthma, and his Asthma is not caused by his diet. You sound very controlling and unsupportive.
Why should he eat what you tell him?
Try be a bit nicer OP

Tell him to come and stand in front of a full—length mirror and take a good, hard look at himself. Ask him if he is the man you married, or if that was false advertising. Tell him that you are deeply resentful that he is killing himself with his shitty lifestyle and you are finding it hard to respect him, let alone find him attractive. Especially if you work so hard to be attractive for him. Ask him how he’d feel if you let yourself go and turn into a frump.

Last night my husband forced me to stand in front of a full length mirror and take a "good hard look" at myself. He accused me of false advertising because I'm not as attractive as I used to be. He blamed my lifestyle and called it shitty. He told me that he doesn't respect me or find me attractive. I'm in tears today as I feel so down on myself.

How many LTB do you think that would get?

Op, please don't listen to advice like that. If you really want to help him change then do it as part of a respectful, supportive partnership. If you can't find it in yourself to treat him as your equal then maybe it's time to let him go. Just please don't do this, all it will do is destroy what little confidence he has now and probably make him comfort eat.

I agree grumpy - I wouldn’t treat someone I hated like that, let alone the person I married

Asthma is not caused by dietary factors. Get him referred to a specialist for uncontrolled asthma. This might be impacting his energy and ability to exercise more than you realise. It is tiring to never have a full breath of air, and if he's just put up with it for years he probably doesn't realise how much it is impacting him.

But honestly I feel for you OP. It's frustrating to watch someone make crappy decisions and make themselves unwell.

@codenameduchess
I've always tailored menus to his requirements as he's always been fussy but he's gotten so much worse in the last couple of years.
What has changed in his life in recent years that his diet has changed so much?

Have you been able to speak to him quietly and calmly to tell him how worried you are by the state of his health? That you are concerned his health is deteriorating and he is getting to the stage he can't be so active with his young children or, indeed, he may never see them grow up as you're afraid he'll die?

Has he had a proper health check either through his GP/NHS or a 360 degree medical via any private medical care insurance his company may provide? Emphasise the long standing cough which can be a symptom of other illnesses, the weight gain and possible heart problems/high cholesterol/diabetes caused by poor nutrition and lack of exercise.

Perhaps you can try again and let him know how concerned you are. At the end of the day, however, he will only do anything constructive if HE wants to do it - you can only let him know your concerns. Changing bad habits acquired over time are hard to do - even for very good reasons.

Good luck OP.

@Happynow001 I've tried the calm approach so many times, explained my concerns and offered whatever support he needs. He has private health cover through work and can get a full check as part of it but he refuses. I've begged him to go to the gp because coughing for months on end isn't normal, he refuses but will get annoyed if dd picks up a cough at preschool and has an unsettled night.
I lost my dad young and worry that my children are going to go through that because he won't look after himself.

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix I'm aware of that, he claims to have had an asthma check recently but I'm not convinced he actually went. When we met his lifestyle was much better and his asthma was much better controlled, his health has declined as his habits have gotten worse.

@Decormad38 I'm pretty sure his asthma is poorly controlled, he claims to have had a check but I can't imagine any nurse would have said everything was fine...

@codenameduchess
Then he's behaving like a selfish fool and no wonder you sound so frustrated because he's not taking his responsibilities to his family seriously.

If he won't take his own health seriously you'll need to ensure your own work/life balance is equal and your own health as good as it can be in case you cannot rely on him in the future.