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Original poster

Do you ever get used to being second priority after work?

28 replies

snitchesgetcandy · 19/04/2019 19:45

I’ve been with DP for three years, we moved in together 6 months ago. He is smart, funny and I love him very much.
But since moving in together we’ve been stuck in an endless cycle of arguing about his work. He has a job with a lot of responsibility and his clients always come first, I really struggle with this. E.g. last weekend our Friday evening plans had to be cancelled as he needed to work late, today we had plans for the day but they were also cancelled as something happened at work that apparently couldn’t wait. He is not a doctor nobody is going to die if he doesn’t respond immediately.
He does usually try to make it up when plans get cancelled but still it hurts knowing that no matter what is happening if the phone rings he’ll jump and run.
Does this get easier to except and if so how?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 19:55

That's a tough one. If you have plans to have kids, be prepared to be left holding the fort and for the kids to be disappointed by this as well.

It's not a situation I'd be willing to accept.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 19:58

When you say clients, is he self employed?

coco123456789 · 19/04/2019 20:00

This doesn’t ever change! Some people are just wired this way.

coco123456789 · 19/04/2019 20:02

I worked in a city law firm. Some partners would say they weren’t contactable on a given Saturday as it was their kids birthday party. Other partners would be prepared to answer the phone any time of the day or night regardless of what was happening at home. If people put work first then they always will.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2019 20:04

This is what caused the breakdown of my first marriage.

Since then, I've always maintained that if i'm not someone's number one priority then, really, what is the point of being with them. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand that kids come first, I don't dispute that. But i'm next. Not work/golf/extended family etc etc. Me.

I've learnt over the years that not taking your partner for granted is really really important. And i'm guilty of doing that in my youth, but it isn't a mistake i'd make again.

Loopytiles · 19/04/2019 20:04

Some fields are notorious for long hours working culture. Doesn’t make it OK.

This would likely get much worse after DC.

ElloBrian · 19/04/2019 20:05

Kinda depends really. There are some jobs where it is unavoidable. But it comes down to the question of whether it has been like this from the start. If it has then arguably you knew what you were getting. Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic.

losingfaith · 19/04/2019 20:07

It depends on how ambitious he is.

I work in the city and was like him. A few health scares later I'm not. But by stepping back I've probably limited my prospects. It's hard. But he'll only change if he wants to - once you're at the top it is easier to pick and choose as you can delegate. Not so easy when climbing the ladder...

BummyKnocker · 19/04/2019 20:08

Not work but music,always came first. After Dd1 was born he joined a band and was off giggling and staying overnight all over the bloody country.

losingfaith · 19/04/2019 20:09

*limited prospects because , whilst no one will die, my work is quite time critical and even the difference of - few minutes / hours can make the difference between making / breaking a client at times.

Still18atheart · 19/04/2019 20:12

See this is a bit of a deal breaker for me (had a dad like this and saw the impact it had on his marriage to my Dm) so it’s a ltb from me I’m afraid

Ohyesiam · 19/04/2019 20:15

Do you feel loved? That’s the bottom Line for me.
If you always feel like you need a little bit more, I’m not sure how I’d do it in the long run, because it makes me feel needy, then I feel shame for being needy, and it all gets into a negative cycle. If you do feel loved enough I guess you just have to wrap your head round knowing that his work always have to come first.

Are you planning on having kids?
If his job brings in enough for help then it could work, otherwise you could end up feeling trapped at home with all the drudge. And all the delight too, while the kids grow up not knowing their father much. And it’s hard to relate to someone when you have two parallel but very separate lives.

JoinTheDots · 19/04/2019 20:17

When DH and I were childless, we were both quite career focused, and I am not sure I really noticed, as if he had some work to do at the weekend, or plans needed to change, I was happy to get some extra work done too.

Now we have children, and I took voluntary redundancy while on maternity leave (the financial package was too good to turn down, and I knew I would easily be able to go back to work after a short break at home with the kids) I really notice how we come second to work. I can also see that he has always been this way, but I didn't mind before, because so was I.

I am used to it. It is part of who he is, he will not change. I just have to remind him and let him know when I am unhappy with the balance, and he winds it in a bit, for a bit. It is always short term and he goes back to being a workaholic but he does make the effort and sincerely wants to, when I let him know I or the children feel neglected.

It's not for everyone, so make sure you are happy to do the lion share and be left holding the baby (literally) before you take the relationship further.

mpsw · 19/04/2019 20:22

Military here. He was in when I met him, so I knew gat it was non-negotiable from his POV, and that it couid have the potential to completely bugger up absolutely everything else.

So I had to decide early on if I could live with it or not. And if you do decide that you're going to stay, you have to really mean it, and not hold grudges. So yes, pissed off if he had to cancel from something (especially if it buggered up the admin and I had to re-plan or cancel for everyone) but then deal with it and move on. But if you feel expert resentment then expect it to grow, and you can't get time back, so if you don't want the whole package (IYSWIM) then it probably helps to recognise it as a deal-breaker now, not 5 years down the line.

NameChangeNugget · 19/04/2019 22:02

Do you feel loved? That’s the bottom Line for me

Spot on

SparklyMagpie · 19/04/2019 23:19

This played quite a big part in my relationship recently ending ... kind of felt like us having quality time revolved around work

My dad is the same, although has always made time for me, but knowing someone would be sat cuddling me one minute after not seeing each other for say a week, and then work ringing them and him having to get up immediately to leave, I started holding back and ultimately played a big part in it failing.

I genuinely don't think he'll change and its sad because he's going to miss out on a lot of things because of it

Scott72 · 19/04/2019 23:33

I think he's being reasonable, and you simply aren't compatible with him.

Original poster
snitchesgetcandy · 20/04/2019 06:39

Thankyou for all the replies, he is self employed and it wasn’t always like this, when we met he was very career driven and had a city job but he would go out his way to spend time with me etc. About a year ago he took over as managing director of his parents company and it’s gone downhill since then. I should also add for contex that I moved to the other side of the UK so he could take this job and I feel the fact I have very few friends in the area etc doesn’t help.
I understand he needs to work etc and his desire to make something of himself is one of the things I loved about him. I actually have no problem when I know in advance eg. He tells me in the morning he’ll be home late that’s fine I won’t expect him will make other plans what gets to me is when we plan to do something nice and it gets cancelled at 5 minutes notice and I end up sat home alone questioning why just this once he can’t put work on hold. Or when he’s been away working and having not seen him for two weeks we sit down to dinner and suddenly the phone rings and I find myself eating alone.
Children have been discussed and we’d both like them although not just yet (ironically I want to build more of a career first) and we could easily afford help on his salary so I don’t worry about having to bear the brunt of the dirty work but I do worry any kids would grow up constantly being disappointed by him. My dad worked away a lot and while I don’t think it’s done any long term damage I do know I would be upset when he couldn’t make it to things etc.
I guess the jist of it is I do feel loved most of the time but also I feel like I’m expected to be dropped the second work comes up but still be sat happily waiting with open arms whenever he wants.

OP posts:
Itshightime · 20/04/2019 07:06

I would proceed with caution over this.

I’ve been married for over 20 years to a man who’s done this and my resentment has grown to a point where this marriage is going to end.

Yogagirl123 · 20/04/2019 07:12

If it’s his business then of course he needs to be available. My husband has had many businesses over the years, and his business is very important to him, but he never puts it over me or our children, if we need him he’s there, but of course evenings weekends holidays answering emails, phone etc. I have accepted it and support him with the business, it’s the reason we have a lovely home and aren’t in debt.

Isleepinahedgefund · 20/04/2019 07:32

Unfortunately there are some positions where you can't just put it down and switch off, and being a self employed MD is probably one of those. When the buck stops with you and you're in charge of other people's livelihoods (assuming the company has employees) it's a huge responsibility to carry on your shoulders. Yes no one will die if he doesn't go to work, but if he drops the ball 50 people might be out of a job.

I think you probably need to sit down and have a conversation about it, find out how he feels about the responsibility he's taken on and see if there is a way to balance it all out.

One of the directors where I work makes valiant efforts to balance his work/life, but the reality for him is that he's often called away from home for days at a time at short notice, works on his day off if there's a crisis (he works four days a week compressed hours) and frequently has to work weekends with no notice because our "clients" do and a crisis arose on a Friday afternoon. No one is going to die if he doesn't, but in reality he doesn't have the option of leaving it until Monday.

coco123456789 · 20/04/2019 07:39

I think the money causes part of the problem. My DH is like this and eventually I gave up work as we could afford it and I was restricted by his not being able to do childcare pick up, drop offs etc. At first I liked being at home. But now I am in the position where I am going to get a job, and if childcare is too expensive he will just have to pay the difference out of his salary as me not working has been really bad for our relationship and my self esteem as him being the provider has excused the amount of work he does

OnlineAlienator · 20/04/2019 07:46

Like jointhedots, with me and my exDH we were both career focussed before children so i didnt notice/mind. After having DD, it slowly sank in just how big an impact this had on me - i'd moved away from family and friends, his job and child meant i couldnt get another job and his job didnt quite support us. It wasnt sustainable. But, i think if he coukd have financially supported us i would have been OK as a SAHM.

Original poster
snitchesgetcandy · 20/04/2019 07:47

You’re all talking sense and are right that he does have a lot of responsibility. I will try to talk to him about it and suggest maybe he is just a bit more understanding of why I get annoyed and am not always able to be happy to see him after I’ve sat waiting with dinner on the table or gotten ready to go out only to have him not show up/cancel 5 minutes before I leave. The more I think about it the more I think communication is key. I am a planner I like everything planned well in advance and am a person who is always on time and hates to cancel for any reason other than illness. I think if he could understand that maybe sending me a quick text when the crisis first happens rather than waiting for me to call and ask why he’s an hour late I’d get less upset.
I do think we need some serious conversations before we head towards kids and marriage as the bottom line is I don’t want children who aren’t going to see their dad because he works 7 days a week and is gone when they get up and are asleep when he’s home.

OP posts:
Original poster
snitchesgetcandy · 20/04/2019 07:52

Sorry I missed the last two posts, I think what you two have described is what I fear, I don’t want to be stuck at home with children although I’d be open to a year or two off I enjoy my job, while my earning power is a lot lower than his I would like to build a career and I know I’d be miserable as a SAHM. Currently we could easily afford to hire a nanny but obviously as he’s self employed that could all change

OP posts:
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