is this the end or can it be saved?

[Chermubble]

I want to hope the latter but I fear the former, our relationship seems really troubled and unhappy right now and I'm not sure how we find a way back.
Partner and I together for a number of years, we get on well generally but there's been an issue for years (which comes and goes) that he's not happy with our sex life, or lack of. This blows up every 6 months to a year, things improve then get worse again, and the cycle continues.
He says that I give off signals that I'm not interested, I give him a look, or make a comment, or seem unaffectionate, and therefore he won't make any overtures. It's left to me to make the first move and I don't want to, every time. I don't know if that's wrong of me.
He says I am patronizing, talk down to him (treat him like a member of staff was his actual words), talk over him, when all I'm trying to do is articulate how I'm feeling. In the past I used to get really upset, because I was desperate to avoid us splitting up, and would just agree with anything, not question what he said. I feel like now if I argue back, he doesn't like it - he said I always have to win, have the last word, play the martyr (I'm just trying to have my say).
Last week we rowed, he stormed off slamming the door repeatedly (it doesn't always close first time). He later text me and said sorry. I also apologized. We didn't see each other this week (he phoned to complain about an issue with his landlord and vent his frustration but other than that didn't speak) then he came over last night helped me cook dinner and then another row because I'd not initiated a conversation after he had made the effort to come over and cook for me that was apparently the apology.
In relation to the ll issue I said he was being a bit self pitying and rather than acknowledging it he just says that I do that, that I complain about stuff (but when I do he tell me he can't cope with hearing about it).
Am I wrong to want more? I don't want to be constantly told I'm in the wrong or feel not good enough which is how I feel now. He says he compliments me (he does) but does that have to be it?

He wants us to stay together and try counseling. If I thought that would help I'd be prepared to give it a go. What would you do? Am I being unrealistic? Do I need to accept more fault?

Anyone?

Your relationship shouldn't be this hard work OP. Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear.

That sounds exhausting and very difficult to deal with. Its all well and good him putting the blame at your door but you sound like an intelligent woman and you know that's not true right?

He's wrong footing you and taking no responsibility for his own happiness or your happiness as a couple. My ex was like that and it was draining because bo matter what I did it was just wrong!

Ask yourself where you want to be in a years time? Still dealing with this crap or building a new and happier life. You are allowed to make the choice that enough is enough.

I do think that all relationships take some level of work, to keep them on track. I feel like I don't know what he wants. He doesn't understand that because what he wants is simple - a normal loving relationship.

So are all the things he is saying to you untrue?

The problem is that with the info you've given it is impossible to tell. He could just be someone who is unhappy and is trying to tell you you need to change or he could be trying to control you by making you feel bad about yourself.

I don't know - I have never turned down sex, refused or not reciprocated an affectionate gesture. But to be told you gave me a look, or gave off an impression of indifference -.we're talking weeks earlier. How would I know what I was thinking or feeling then, yes I might have felt indifferent at that moment or I could have been thinking about work, dinner or something I'd seen on tv. There's no way I can respond other than to apologize and frankly I'm not apologizing for something I haven't done. Why should I?

I don't think I'm being patronising. He speaks to me like shit sometimes but if I mention this he says you do it too you do it too...how can I possibly respond? I want to assert myself and put my side but when I do he accuses me or being argumentative.

It’s him with the issues and he’s deflecting those onto you. All the things he’s listing are his problems. He’s making you question yourself and being quite controlling. Ditch him!

He sounds horrible.

You're trying desperately hard because you think "If only we could sort out this one issue and understand each other everything would be fine," but that's not going to happen.

He's doing it deliberately to keep you insecure and trying to make him happy. It's controlling and abusive and it will only get worse, not better. He'll keep moving the goalposts so you can never get things right.

If it were a decent relationship it wouldn't be this hard (and if there are times when things are ok, that's because no abusers are horrible all the time or you'd run a mile from the start).

Sorry, it can't be saved.

I dont think hes deliberately horrible but I do feel the goalposts move all the time. I never understand what the rules are. Like when we were first together he said he didn't like any 'heavy petting' (cant think of a better term!) if it didn't lead to sex...so I dialled it back and on occasions where we clearly weren't going to have sex, I'd be less amorous. Not a problem. Then this week he's saying we never do any heavy petting...I reference the above and he says that was obviously different because we were having more sex then and arent now so cant I see that's not the same? I say no and he says I'm just saying that to be difficult. I wasnt I just dont get it!

I know I'm not perfect but I feel like any discussion turns into all the way I upset him...and if I try and say that things upset me he turns it round on me, that I do or say the same. Maybe I was wrong to be too amenable at the start?

Could counselling actually help? He seems quite keen but then has told me before how he had counselling when his marriage ended and it was shit, the woman hated him etc. He doesn't like MN either and I suspect (from some comments he's made) that he reads or has read, my posts. I nc every few weeks though.

Another one saying it shouldn't be this hard...

This doesnt show him in a good light but he effectively was happier when I was much bigger (I've lost almost 1/3 of my bodyweight since last year). He says now that hes frustrated because I am slimmer than hes ever known me so hes happy that he has such an attractive partner but annoyed because he feels I'm not interested...

Well there you have it OP. He feels insecure and the need to tie you in knots because now that you've lost weight and feel better about yourself/probably have more confidence he will be feeling inferior.

He sounds like a dick.

He sounds vile OP. I also felt a bit of a twinge when I saw you'd put that you felt like the goal posts were shifting all the time, that's exactly how I used to feel.
He sounds like a man child who has zero ability or willpower to communicate properly and your efforts to speak like an adult and resolve things are met with petulance and he always tries to turn it on you and make out you're somehow at fault. Honestly, get rid. People like this can't be talked round with reason, common sense and compassion. It's his way or the highway and as far as he's concerned, you accept that or nothing

Oh god he sounds awful.

You’ve said yourself he’s moving the goal posts. That’s fine, we all change our minds, but you have to admit you’ve changed your mind and feel differently, NOT blame your partner for their inability to somehow know you’ve changed your mind!

Its not good. I just want things to be as they were but he hasn't even apologised properly, and just wants to talk to me because its important we discuss it, reach a compromise etc. But for me any discussion should start with a proper apology from him and acknowledgment he was wrong, and then we can talk about what we do differently in future.

It really shouldnt be that difficult.

Take a break from each other. Have a good time. Don't look back.

He has suggested a break. I dont know if that will help but I'm willing to give it a go.

Honestly, with the shifting goalposts and the way he manipulates you (turning everything on you, making up ways you've slighted him), you'd be better off dumping him.

I don't want to be unfair. Maybe hes not making it up and genuinely feels slighted. I'm not the easiest person to be around I'm quite selfish but thats because I've had years on my own so had to put myself first and think of my own needs.

I want to say to him that we cant just wipe the slate clean. I want a proper apology for the door slamming first, and that he can't blame me for everything. If he feels I'm giving him the cold shoulder he needs to raise it then not weeks later. That I'm prepared to give it a final shot, go to counselling etc but that he needs not to rely on me or on our relationship for his happiness.

However I know that will be about as well received as a cup of cold sick...

You gave me a look, or gave off an impression of indifference -.we're talking weeks earlier. How would I know what I was thinking or feeling then, yes I might have felt indifferent at that moment or I could have been thinking about work, dinner or something I'd seen on tv. There's no way I can respond other than to apologize and frankly I'm not apologizing for something I haven't done. Why should I?

He makes shit up as a stick to beat you with.

are you prepared to walk away though OP, because it sounds bloody miserable

Urgh, he sounds exactly like an ex of mine (I'm assuming it's not the same guy as I dated mine in the 1990s!).

It shouldn't be this hard. And what you said about him being happier when you were bigger really resonated with me. I didn't lose weight but I did have cosmetic surgery and once I was happy with myself, my bf just couldn't cope at all. He liked it when I had low self-esteem, the twat.

From everything you've written OP, it really doesn't sound as though the relationship is worth saving. He doesn't make your heart soar. He doesn't want what's best for you. He doesn't delight in your company, or tell you how amazing you are. He should!!

He tells me I look attractive or that I've lost weight but for a while now I've not felt he has my back. More like he'll take help with his problems but mine are too much to cope with.

I Dont want things to continue as they are, only if they can improve. And I cant be solely responsible for that.

I think you should be prepared to walk away at this point. That may prompt him to apologise and rethink his own behaviour, or it may not - either way is win win. If you try to negotiate with him, he's just going to disagree and go down the 'you do it too!' route. Call it quits and if it's meant to be, he'll come back and say he's sorry.

Thats one thing he definitely wont do. Once I say we're over that's it, I wont see or hear from him again. He's made that very clear.