is this the end or can it be saved?

[Chermubble]

I want to hope the latter but I fear the former, our relationship seems really troubled and unhappy right now and I'm not sure how we find a way back.
Partner and I together for a number of years, we get on well generally but there's been an issue for years (which comes and goes) that he's not happy with our sex life, or lack of. This blows up every 6 months to a year, things improve then get worse again, and the cycle continues.
He says that I give off signals that I'm not interested, I give him a look, or make a comment, or seem unaffectionate, and therefore he won't make any overtures. It's left to me to make the first move and I don't want to, every time. I don't know if that's wrong of me.
He says I am patronizing, talk down to him (treat him like a member of staff was his actual words), talk over him, when all I'm trying to do is articulate how I'm feeling. In the past I used to get really upset, because I was desperate to avoid us splitting up, and would just agree with anything, not question what he said. I feel like now if I argue back, he doesn't like it - he said I always have to win, have the last word, play the martyr (I'm just trying to have my say).
Last week we rowed, he stormed off slamming the door repeatedly (it doesn't always close first time). He later text me and said sorry. I also apologized. We didn't see each other this week (he phoned to complain about an issue with his landlord and vent his frustration but other than that didn't speak) then he came over last night helped me cook dinner and then another row because I'd not initiated a conversation after he had made the effort to come over and cook for me that was apparently the apology.
In relation to the ll issue I said he was being a bit self pitying and rather than acknowledging it he just says that I do that, that I complain about stuff (but when I do he tell me he can't cope with hearing about it).
Am I wrong to want more? I don't want to be constantly told I'm in the wrong or feel not good enough which is how I feel now. He says he compliments me (he does) but does that have to be it?

He wants us to stay together and try counseling. If I thought that would help I'd be prepared to give it a go. What would you do? Am I being unrealistic? Do I need to accept more fault?

So basically it's his way or the high way, OP. It isn't worth it. There are other nicer men out there.

He is a twat. You be better off without him but only you can make that choice.

You are a pushover. That is why he has no respect for you.

Honestly these type of volatile relationships never work long term. You are wasting your time but again it is your choice.

It really shouldn't be this hard

It's not a volatile relationship at all. We never disagree on anything day to day. And its not so much his way or not...he's asked me to suggest ways to move forward from our current impasse (his is to try counselling).

As to there being nicer men out there, honestly I was out there for a long time and there really weren't. He was a breath of fresh air in when we met and the first person in many years I felt in any way compatible with/ on the same page. I have been on my own for most of my adult life so it doesn't bother me as such. But at the same time I remember how we connected at first, generally how well we get on day to day and do feel I'm not quite ready to throw it all away without a last try.

It sounds like he's insecure about your weight loss.

Perhaps counselling would help you communicate better.

I’d honestly say it shouldn’t be this hard! He could be right about your tone (my sister is a teacher and can at times be teacherlt to me and her husband lol) but if you are doing it intentionally there’s not much you can do. The rest sounds so demoralisingly nit-picky, where’s the respect, the simple enjoyment of each other’s company, the camaraderie? Try counselling by all means but a good relationship really does feel different to how this sounds. Good luck.

It's sort of irrelevant who did what and whether he or you are patronising etc. You simply are not compatible.

You want a man who isn't a twat. He can't stop being a twat.

I doubt counseling will help, I get the impression he'd be one of those to try to use counsling to price you were wrong all along.

I'd give it up I think.

*prove

You’re either awful, according to his description of you, or he’s gaslighting you so you’ll watch your mouth and do things his way, and I strongly suspect it’s the latter. I’d bin him, to be honest. It sounds like he’s wearing you down to the point where you’re doubting yourself. He’s probably trying to ‘take you down a peg or two’ because he’s worried your weight loss will make you more attractive to other men.

He's a insecure bully, he is making you unhappy. You are worth more than this, just because you have been out of a relationship for a long time doesn't mean you have to settle for this. You are going to be walking on eggshells if your not careful. I get the impression that you don't live together. Even him telling you if you split up that's it he won't try to get to back shows his measure , basically he is controlling you. Split up with him or you have a lifetime of given in to him and unhappiness, do not do that to yourself

@Chermubble

His inconsistency is keeping you off balance eg "moving the goalposts", especially as you've lost so much weight and, probably more confident for it so maybe that's made him more insecure and he's reacting negatively (and immaturely) about that.

He's suggested counselling and also taking a break from each other - which of those (if you don't want to split irrevocably) would you be prepared to try more?

You say I'm not quite ready to throw it all away without a last try.
so perhaps try the counselling route together first (but maybe have your own 1:1 sessions also).

You say it's not a volatile relationship but it doesn't sound as though he is very supportive either:
for a while now I've not felt he has my back. More like he'll take help with his problems but mine are too much to cope with.

Obviously neither of you can continue how you are now. Hope you can see your way through this OP.

He doesn't seem to even like you very much
Your relationship sounds exhausting
Leave him

You say you never disagree on anything day to day, but then it seems you have been disagreeing in retrospect when you didn't even realise it . Sounds like he expects you to know what's in his head and if you don't respond accordingly you're being difficult on purpose (XH was a great one for that). There's not a lot you can do about it - take mind reading courses? Counselling could be helpful if both of you were committed to listen and work on yourselves, but I suspect only one of you would be - see his previous experience with counselling for clues as to which one of you that is!

I say take the trial separation and see how much more relaxing life becomes. You can't hang onto a relationship for the rest of your life solely because of how good it was when it first started. There has to be something in it going forward too. Something more than moans and criticism. Even if it does turn out to be your fault, wouldn't the decent thing be to let him go to find someone who doesn't look at him funny (allegedly)?

From someone who had a partner like that...and we tried counselling...take it from me, it can't really go back to the way it was.

So many things you said resonate: He would push me off at the beginning saying it was too much but then complained we were not having enough
sex when I stopped. I had lost weight too and he would complain because we were not doing it enough. He took very little responsibility for the situation (but kept talking about compromise) and was furious when we finished our counselling sessions. I put up with it because I thought that's what relationships were even though I was unhappy.

I was single most of my adult life until that point. He made me realize what I didn't want and now have an amazing husband. Maybe this relationship is a life lesson?

You are worth more.