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Original poster

Workplace crush I really dont want.

34 replies

SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 19:03

I've name changed for this because it might be outing and this hugely embarrassing and I dont want to talk to anyone in RL about it

I have a crush/romantic feelings towards a colleague of mine and probably had for a while but lately it's getting really intense.

Colleague was married, had an affair with another colleague, they are now together.

I really dont want this crush, it would be embarassing if it ever got out. At my workplace secrets are never secrets for long. His partner is higher up than me and could make things nasty if it got out.

I've been keeping all this in but I need to just admit it somewhere and move on. How do I get over this bloody unwelcomed crush?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 18/04/2019 19:05

Is there a reason for your crush?
Has he been talking to you more, paying you more attention?

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 19:09

I dont know where this crush has even come from. Not really more attention no. I cheer him up apparently. But he's always helpful to my department, so maybe that's it.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 18/04/2019 19:14

I cheer him up apparently

Hmmm. Hmm That does sound like attention. Flirtation even. Maybe you have a crush on him because he's paying you extra attention? It happens.

Perhaps he's bored with The Affair, and looking to have an affair on The Affair.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 19:17

This crush has been ongoing for a while. There's nothing to pinpoint why it has suddenly intensified. We have no contact other than at work.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 18/04/2019 19:29

Well, work is where workplace affairs get going.

Gut feeling, he tells you that you cheer him up, you feel special, crush sparks and/or intensifies ... the next bit's up to you. I'd give him a big swerve. He's the office equivalent of "a girl in every port".

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 19:35

It intensified before that but I dont wanna get involved in that mess.

He's a nice guy but no.

I've heard all the gossip and that's why its so embarrassing to have this crush.

OP posts:
ChampagneCommunist · 18/04/2019 19:44

Sympathies for you. Crushes are so weird and surprising.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 19:49

It is weird. The other night I couldnt sleep because I knew I'd be at work the next day and see him.

That makes me sound so teenage like. Grrrr. I'm in my 30's ffs.

OP posts:
Idolikeanicepieceofcake · 18/04/2019 19:52

Do you work in an environment where emotions can run quite high? I do, and whilst I am very close to my colleagues and they are flirty in a way, I know it's because when emotions are running high in difficult situations you tend to bond with each other quite closely.
I wouldn't necessarily listen to gossip. People all said my partner and I had an affair, even though we didn't. We just laughed it off.
If you are genuinely worried, just be professional with him and ignore any flirty behaviour. I'm sure if you told him that it makes you feel uncomfortable then he would stop if he's a genuinely nice guy.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 20:00

It can be stressful but I'm closer to my immediate colleague who are all female.

I see him at most 5 times a day. I know the gossip is all true, we all know about it.

He doesnt do anything to make me uncomfortable, I wouldnt say there's flirting either.

It's just consuming and distracting. I have to watch what I'm doing because my colleagues would soon work it out and really dont want them to.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 18/04/2019 20:25

I had this last year. I gritted my teeth and avoided him as much as possible, and after a (long) while it died down.

Redcliff · 18/04/2019 20:30

I am going through the same at work! I don't think anyone has noticed (which I am sure is true for you) so am just hoping it will pass sooner rather than later.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 20:35

I hope it will fade out.

I cant even avoid him. We have to interact and I cant change my behaviour towards him because my nosy, loud colleages would sense something was up.

I could accept that I was attracted to him as that was manageable but this out of control crush needs to go.

OP posts:
Redcliff · 18/04/2019 20:51

It's so hard isn't it. I have decided that it brightens up an otherwise dull meeting. I do find my mind drifting towards thoughts of being alone with him in the stationary cupboard which is very distracting. He whispered a work thing in my ear the other day when we were in a big meeting - swoon

Scott72 · 18/04/2019 20:56

I've seen several posts here over about intense, inexplicable, attraction to colleagues. "Limerance" I think its called. The best thing is to just absolutely minimize contact.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 21:06

I even had a sex dream about him. Thank god I didnt have to go to work the next day.

Probably should have mentioned this earlier as it happened today so a little too much detail. But he got a bit too close a few times, nothing inappropriate, just touching of my shoulders. I didnt feel uncomfortable, it was just unexpected.

So glad I dont have to see him again for a few days.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 18/04/2019 21:12

It IS inappropriate.
He's lining you up as his "next".
He's grooming you. Little touches, little glances, encroaching on boundaries, testing, testing, making you feel responsible for him (you cheer him up). Classic grooming behaviours.

Remember, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. Today you are his current partner "back then". Tomorrow you'll just be his current partner. And he'll be not inappropriately touching another colleague's shoulders.

Give yourself a big shake and get away from this romantic black hole.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 21:16

I was cheated on and left by my ex. That is so not happening.

But grooming is a hell of a stretch.

I'm a grown woman, I line up for no man.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 18/04/2019 22:28

Picture him doing a poo with tears in his eyes.

Isth · 18/04/2019 22:32

There’s a vacancy now, and he’s lining you up OP. Careful you don’t fall for it.

toycar · 18/04/2019 22:39

could get messy. assume you are single?

it could be something or nothing from him - i'm different to various people at work depending on how comfortable i am with them male or female.

it may just be that he likes the attention and senses a chink in your armour that you may find him attractive so plays up to that but would never really go there.

you can find a work colleague attractive, swoon-y and distracting without wanting to turn everyone's world upside down by starting an affair or making a pass at them.

think about it from all angles.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 22:55

If there was no associated drama, then maybe.

I am single. Been single a long time and not really interested in changing that.

It would be a horrendously foolish idea to go there, as I need my job, I like my colleagues. I dont want to ruin that. He's nearly a decade older and I've never given him a indication that I do find him attractive.

Up until recently, I didnt give it much thought. Last 2 weeks or so have really ramped things up. I dont know why.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 18/04/2019 23:03

You are thinking about it a lot. He's with someone else. Don't go there and just think of him as a co-worker. Some people just act like this to get through the day and it doesn't mean anything really. They will do it with everyone.

Original poster
SaraRyder · 18/04/2019 23:23

I need to stop thinking about.

I got the long weekend to dampen this irritating thing.

I could even bring myself to talk to my closest friend about.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 18/04/2019 23:30

Colleague was married, had an affair with another colleague, they are now together.

So he lied, cheated, and treated his wife with contempt. Picture that.

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