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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overthinking this? (Social Media Online function)

39 replies

Whatinthenameof1 · 18/04/2019 16:49

I know what you're all thinking... Social media and the read/online function can cause nothing but trouble/overthinking for relationships sometimes! But please hear me out!

Me and my GF (both 25) don't live together, we don't see each other too often either. We haven't had any arguments recently/nor fallen out.

We text fairly regularly throughout the day when we get the opportunity too. As I use FB on my desktop PC it's easy to see when someone is active/online with messenger. She's at work today, and has texted me a couple times on her lunch which is cool... I'm working from home. However I seem to get rather upset when i notice her active status on Facebook continuously come up every 10 minutes but she's not responded to me in a few hours.

I know it sounds petty but its really starting to gripe me. She was complaining how manic work has been today yet she can go on FB every 10 minutes but not text her own BF back?... I don't know if my expectations are too high but its making me feel pretty rubbish. I also find it even more odd as only yesterday she was saying how shes cutting down on social media and not going to use it as much...

I'd love to ask her about it but I don't know how without being a complete weirdo. I know you can't expect someone to reply every 2 seconds and I don't.. but this really is winding me up?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Wheresmyvagina · 18/04/2019 16:50

Thoughts -
You're being weird
You're being controlling
Stop it

ConfCall · 18/04/2019 16:53

My concern is that if you raise it with her, it might look like you’ve been monitoring her. That’s very offputtng.

Also, Facebook active status is not reliable. I once had a message from a friend at 3am saying, “can’t sleep either?” - I had been fast asleep in fact, but the green dot was on Facebook. I also remember my son showing as active when he was playing football (I was there, watching the match).

TeaStory · 18/04/2019 16:57

The “active” thing doesn’t work well. My DH has seen me appear as “active” when I’m asleep next to him. Google it, a lot of people have had the same thing.

I suggest you work on trusting and believing what your girlfriend is telling you, as it is highly likely to be the truth. Furthermore, I suggest you work on your entitled attitude, because it will only cause more problems. It will hurt both of you if you insist she is responsible for your self-image by meeting your need for constant attention.

Original poster
Whatinthenameof1 · 18/04/2019 16:58

@confcall - thanks for your more helpful response.

That is also why I can't raise it.. she will think I've been stalking.. the reality is I haven't you just cant miss it when FB is open on one of your screens all day when working haha.

I know messenger isn't always reliable but I've literally noticed all day.. online and then offline again... which suggests continued use of the app throughout the day in order to trigger it.

It just makes me feel unimportant and not a priority I suppose.. I always make a conscious effort to get back to her. It just all feels very one sided sometimes...

Would yourself/anyone else suggest I back off and stop being so available myself?

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 18/04/2019 17:04

You're not a priority right now - she's at work! Working!

If she has the Messenger app running in the background on her phone, her online status will not be accurate.

You're supposed to be working too. Why are you constantly checking Facebook?

If this is causing you such anxiety and self-doubt, SHUT IT DOWN. Make a rule that you check for messages during your morning break, lunch break, and afternoon break. You are going to end up driving yourself crazy otherwise.

TeaStory · 18/04/2019 17:05

Would yourself/anyone else suggest I back off and stop being so available myself?

No. Game-playing is never good. Just stop stalking her FB, concentrate on your own work and sorting out your own needs. You are convincing yourself she is on FB all day but she probably isn’t, you’re winding yourself up and blaming her. Carrying on like this will kill your relationship.

supadupapupascupa · 18/04/2019 17:15

But you are stalking her, you're checking up on her, and you're getting anxious about her behaviour when she's away from you. This is really not good. When you're at work you're working. And she might even be ignoring you deliberately BECAUSE DHES WORKING and doesn't want to be in touch all day every day. It must be exhausting

Original poster
Whatinthenameof1 · 18/04/2019 17:16

Thanks for the comments - I understand what you are all saying and it is appreciated.

@TeaStory my phone always is with me, so its easy for me to reply straight away when i'm not doing much.. yet there is the stigma attached not to do this and be too 'available'... If she takes 1 hour to reply, i could reply in 10 minutes! I hate the rule playing but apparently to maintain that type of interest you have to become less available.

OP posts:
VirtuallyConfused · 18/04/2019 17:24

I know what you mean, I find myself slowing down my replies because otherwise I feel too keen. It's silly of course, I'm not being judged on that.

Maybe move to something else to chat? Skype? Kik? You can see when they have read.

ALannisterInDebt · 18/04/2019 17:27

The online status is not accurate at all, if she has the app open but minimised on her phone it will appear as if she's online.

Women are warned to watch out for the 'red flags' in new relationships on here all the time.

Obsessively checking her online status
Expecting immediate responses to texts
Wanting to be her top priority

Would all be red flags to needy and obsessive behaviour.

TeaStory · 18/04/2019 17:33

its easy for me to reply straight away when i'm not doing much.. yet there is the stigma attached not to do this and be too 'available'... I hate the rule playing but apparently to maintain that type of interest you have to become less available.

Do adults really play these kind of games?!

TeaStory · 18/04/2019 17:33

Genuine question by the way, I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time and it utterly confused me even then.

mindutopia · 18/04/2019 17:34

I check social media as a cognitive break while I’m working. I rarely text my husband all day. That sounds totally normal. You don’t need to be in constant contact with someone all day to prove you care about them. I’d be pretty annoyed if anyone complained I didn’t text them back fast enough while I was at work. The only time that would be an issue to raise is if you had a life threatening emergency or got stranded somewhere and needed her to come change your tyre. Otherwise you just need to chill out and talk with her when she’s off work.

MollysLips · 18/04/2019 17:50

I hate the rule playing but apparently to maintain that type of interest you have to become less available.

For this to be effective, you can't fake it. Don't pretend to be busy and unavailable - BE busy and unavailable!

You're being driven nuts because your GF is being busy. She's not playing games - she's got a fulfilling life. You need to get one for yourself. Then you'll honestly not notice how long she takes to reply to you, because you'll be

  • actually working on work that interests and engages you;
  • laughing with your friends in a cool new bar;
  • watching a gripping documentary on Netflix about one of your most passionate interests;
  • Reading a fun new book;
  • Running round a beautiful field;
  • Taking up a really interesting new evening class...

All that's happened here is that you've let your interest in your GF overtake your interest in your own lovely life. That's why her FB status (and posting here about it) has taken on ImMeNsE ImPoRtAnCe in your brain.

Start filling your brain back up with things that genuinely captivate your mind, heart and soul, and this will no longer matter to you.

At that point, your GF will notice how relaxed and easy-going and busy you have become lately, and love you more than ever.

So. Start now. List 20 tings that really interest you and start finding fun ways to pursue them... And turn on FB when you're meant to be working.

NameChangeNugget · 18/04/2019 17:54

Seriously, look at your post as a third party. What would you think?

FlyingElbows · 18/04/2019 18:01

Shut Facebook on your computer, put your phone down and get on with productive work. You sound overbearing and obsessive, it's not healthy. Wean yourself off social media, you'll feel much much better.

Original poster
Whatinthenameof1 · 19/04/2019 09:57

Thanks for the replies everyone, I've found them helpful.

She just doesn't put the same amount of effort in when it comes to communication, it's always me carrying the conversation and it's tiring. We're long distance, so rely heavily on phone communication.

Majority of time when texting it's like im talking at her rather than with her. Her responses are always closed ended and rarely offer any opportunity to continue the chat. It all just feels very one sided.. it's becoming increasingly frustrating over time.

OP posts:
Tinkoschminko · 19/04/2019 09:59

Isn’t it more likely she has the page open/ minimised by hasn’t looked at if for ages? Although to be honest, that’s the least of your problems.

Tinkoschminko · 19/04/2019 10:01

Also, it’s only people that are paranoid that game play. The other party is genuinely not affected enough to do that - they’re not pretending to be less into it, they just are. And that’s fine and healthy, particularly in long distance.

Original poster
Whatinthenameof1 · 19/04/2019 10:08

Thanks Tinko - This is getting more and more aggravating over time though.

This morning is a prime example she was 20 minutes early for work, I responded to a small text from her, and had nothing back.. I just tell myself "surely you had 1 second to respond before your started your shift.. surely!"

It almost feels like lack of effort/interest and it wears you down. Something as small as that... I feel I have no 'power' in the relationship and its all on her terms.. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
GirlInTheDirtyShirt · 19/04/2019 10:12

She’s just not that into you, mate.

category12 · 19/04/2019 10:18

If you're not getting what you need from the relationship, then end it. Don't chase someone who you feel isn't interested. If it's right between you, It shouldn't feel hard or like game-playing.

And watching what she does on social media is stalky, and you really need to stop that.

category12 · 19/04/2019 10:20

And you are being really demanding and OTT about contact - whether that's because you're controlling or whether it's because you feel pushed away, I don't know, but you need to address it yourself.

RiversDisguise · 19/04/2019 10:36

She's WORKING ffs

aatwi · 19/04/2019 10:39

I love to text and I would find it annoying if I found out that my SO had this much of an interest in the timing of texts back and FB statuses. If I were her and you said something to me, I would be turning off the feature that allows others to see when I am online and limiting texts to necessary ones only (making plans etc) because I would be feeling stalked, pressured, and like I was being accused of doing something wrong. And then I'd be watching out for other red flags and doubt the relationship would last much longer.