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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friendship and what to do?

42 replies

AIBUorNOTBU · 18/04/2019 16:05

Have been posting a long time but name changed as I don't want my other posts along with this outing me.

I have a fairly new friend. He isn't a close friend and we meet up occasionally to catch up, rarely chat online, rarely call each other and have a sort of shared interest. There is nothing other than a platonic relationship and it wouldn't ever develop into one either.

He told me that English women can't complain about being raped because they dress so provocatively. I challenged him and his reasoning is that men get aroused because of the flesh they see and they can't be blamed for wanting sex. He said women bring it on themselves because when a man sees them they look like prostitutes. I've chatted with my daughter and one sons about this as I'm not very good at friendships (history of bad decisions and being betrayed by 'trusted friends' and men. I have very deep held views about rape, due to my childhood, so I am not sure if I am overreacting by not wanting this man in my house... But then I also think about the positive things he has brought into my life and my lack of confidence with friendships rears up again.

Unsure how relevant this is; he is in his 30s, seems religious and from a western European country.

How would you handle this? Want to also say, with my lack of confidence I'm not sure how well I'll be able to participate in the responses but will do my best to answer questions that may help me decide what to do. I feel anxious even posting this please try to be kind.

OP posts:
Mapofthesoul · 18/04/2019 16:07

I would personally not be friends with him and no, I would not invite him to my home.

saraclara · 18/04/2019 16:11

I couldn't possibly be friends with someone with such terrible views.

NameChangeNugget · 18/04/2019 16:13

Sorry OP but, he sounds abhorrent.

I couldn’t even speak, let alone be friends with him

hellsbellsmelons · 18/04/2019 16:13

Show him this and tell him to fuck off with his awful misogynistic views.
People like him are the reason there is so much of this.
Entitled cunt!!!!
I absolutely would not be friends with him and he wouldn't be allowed to set foot inside my house until he got himself educated!!!

Friendship and what to do?
hellsbellsmelons · 18/04/2019 16:14

It didn't post my pic - I'll try again or use THIS LINK

Friendship and what to do?
Loopytiles · 18/04/2019 16:16

His horrible views are sufficient reason to stop being friends with him.

Xyzzzzz · 18/04/2019 16:16

I would not be friends with him.

Lemonsquinky · 18/04/2019 16:17

He's not a friend. What a misogynist. He's disgusting.

Loopytiles · 18/04/2019 16:17

If he’s a fairly new friend there is no need to “catch up” with him. You met, got on and had a shared interest, but having got to know him he has revealed unpleasant views.

Neolara · 18/04/2019 16:18

Well he's let you know that if you wear anything remotely revealing (ie normal UK summer clothing) he will consider you fair game to be raped. Personally, I would consider this a deal breaker. How could you feel safe in his company? He's told you what sort of man he is - a rape apologist.

binkyblinky · 18/04/2019 16:20

Erm - nope! You don't want a friend like that!

Corcra · 18/04/2019 16:20

Oh that’d make anyone sick to their stomach. What an awful opinion to hold. I couldn’t be friends with someone who thought that.

EmmaJR1 · 18/04/2019 16:21

He actually sounds dangerous, I wouldn't want to be around him nor would I want him near any female. He sounds like he's excusing himself in advance!

AIBUorNOTBU · 18/04/2019 16:34

Thank you all, I am pleased now i posted to ask. I can't remember how to tag people sorry, but thank you all.

Hells Bells . That diagram is perfect and will send it to him tonight. Thank you.

Neolara; I now feel incredibly stupid because that didn't even cross my mind. But, you reminded me of something else he said, that was he could tell I wouldn't enjoy sex because of how I looked and dressed. I guess I subconsciously felt safe because I am definitely not attractive.

My daughter said his responses to me were classic victim blaming and when I tried to explain my views it just kept coming back to his views.

I find friendships and trust so difficult and this situation has really made me question myself. You have all answered in the responses I had hoped I would get, yet I still felt I had to ask because I couldn't trust my own judgement.

OP posts:
TixieLix · 18/04/2019 16:39

"Dear X. I've considered the comments you made about English women and rape and have decided I cannot remain friends with someone who holds such abhorrent misogynistic beliefs. Please don't contact me ever again, AIBUorNOTBU"

There, fixed it for you Smile

AIBUorNOTBU · 18/04/2019 16:41

My daughter said his responses to me were classic victim blaming and when I tried to explain my views it just kept coming back to his views I wrote that badly, sorry, I meant when I was challenging him he just went back to his views, as in no discussion, not that my daughter shares his views.

OP posts:
Mapofthesoul · 18/04/2019 16:54

I wouldn’t engage with him on the matter at all and I wouldn’t send him that link. He’s not going to change his mind if he is that vile.

Susanna30 · 18/04/2019 16:59

He sounds like a potential abuser. Or potential rapist himself, how can anyone think the way he thinks.

AIBUorNOTBU · 18/04/2019 17:10

Mapofthesoul. Do you mean the image link or have I missed another link?

OP posts:
KittyInTheCradle · 18/04/2019 17:17

Wow he sounds horrible.
This doesn't reflect on you, unfortunately there are lots of people with abhorrent views out there and sometimes we don't find out immediately!

Yes he definitely could be a rapist or sure as hell doesn't think rape is wrong.

I would never speak to that man again.

AventaRizon · 18/04/2019 17:21

Ex-friend.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 18/04/2019 18:04

Yeah that friendship would be over for me. Cunt.

Headorheart22 · 18/04/2019 18:29

Abhorrent views and would hazard a guess that these would extend to other areas of his life. His statements of course are no reflection of you and all about his mindset. Tread carefully OP, you deserve so much more from your friendships.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/04/2019 18:58

I remember my DP telling me years ago that men could not use the excuse 'I couldn't stop' as it was bullshit. He said, even if a man is inside a woman and she tells him to stop then of course he can pull out and stop. He said it might be frustrating, but it is not impossible.

Therefore, if it is not impossible to stop a sex act once it's started, then of COURSE it's possible to not start in the first place.

Your friend is not someone I would ever want to be around.

Boilerbap · 18/04/2019 19:17

He sounds like a rapist, not to put it too bluntly.