How, and with what safeguards did your introduce a partner to your daughters?

[QuickQuestion2019]

Name changed as I prefer to be anonymous for this question, been on here forever- naice ham, Korean lady etc.

I'm wondering what others consider reasonable and sensible. I have primary aged daughters and introduced my (male) partner to them after 6 months. My eldest DD had asked to meet him and set the boundaries for doing so e.g there was a particular activity she wanted us all to do. After a few meetings DD's said DP could stay over (I am a completely lone parent so they do not go to Dad's ever). He has been given house rules about always wearing PJs etc. He never ever come upstairs whilst I am doing bedtimes/bath. He never enters their room.

He now has an excellent relationship with them. They are naturally extremely cuddly with him due to not having their own father. My eldest has asked for him to take her out 121 and they have done this. I still watch them all together very carefully and regularly ask the kids how they feel about him. I explicitly ask if they feel safe and happy around him. I remind them constantly about personal boundaries etc. It helps me feel better that DP has worked with children his whole career and is obviously DBS checked etc.

I think my behaviour has been sensible and realistic. This evening I heard a contrasting tale of a relative of a friend whose new boyfriend is living with her and primary aged daughter after only 6 weeks and he is putting her to bed and asking to help look after her round school hours etc. I found this is extremely shocking.

So I'm really just wondering where everyone else is on this spectrum? I think I am the correct amount of cautious. I know some on Mumsnet day never to have a partner in the house etc but that's not the reality for most people.

Thanks for any views

I think you’ve handled this brilliantly. I’d feel very nervous about how to do all this, to the point I’ve sort of accepted not having a relationship again. But your post is very encouraging!

Thank you @Thatnovembernight

I think I'm similar to you. I have boys though, not that I think it makes much difference. All of my single parent dating was done when my kids weren't around and I would have moved extremely slowly and cautiously. As it turned out my now DP met my kids reasonably early on but that was because I already knew him (we dated many years ago and I worked for his dad, knew all the family etc) and in all honesty, if the boys hadn't taken to him or the idea of me having a partner then the whole thing would have been off the table immediately and I didn't want to get invested just in case. They loved him straight away and he never overstepped any boundaries or unwritten rules, still doesn't 5 years later. Things progressed quite naturally and he was moved in with us in about 6 months. That wouldn't have been the case with someone I didn't have a history with and know very well though.

I've heard it said from a youth worker that some parents ask more questions if they lend you their car than trusting you with their children, and I think that's true of many. It applies to sleepovers, overnight trips with beavers/church/summer camp etc.

You're clearly at the other end of the spectrum, and I would be the same I'd hope.

But most think very differently indeed because, you know, it's awkward and they want the break/relationship/childcare.

@W0rriedMum I can certainly believe that.

Hmmm. Quiet thread. Thought I'd get loads of views/stories!

My DP had been a friend for a decade before we started seeing each other so he was already someone known to DD (5 at the time). No introductions were needed, he just started spending more and more time with us. Mostly she loved him for his dog tbh

We didn't agree rules as such but he wouldn't have dreamed of wandering round in his pants or trying to give her a bath etc and I would have been extremely concerned if stuff like that didn't seem like second nature to him. I had a backbrain sense of keeping an eye on boundaries and he never overstepped them.

We've recently separated after 11 years and DD (now 16) still has a good close relationship with him so we must have done something right!

unfortunately I think its more common for women to introduce their partners to their children much quicker, without much thought behind it. Probably why you havent had more comments as maybe people dont want to admit it out of fear of being judged. I have a friend who introduces men to her children very early on, one she had lying on the sofa under a duvet with her daughter after only being with him a matter of weeks. She also asks him to baby sit.

Yeah I see that a lot.

One friend who has recently managed to leave an abusive relationship found a new boyfriend on Tinder within 4 months and he was already being introduced to her DC after 3 dates. My cousin meets and falls head over heels with a new man every couple of years and has them staying over and spending time with her DC within weeks.

It's worrying but you get shouted down for being judgey or a prude if you say anything.

You sound as if you’ve done everything right and been very cautious. One thing that really sticks out is that you let your daughter take the lead on when she wanted to meet him, when she felt comfortable with him staying. I think this is the perfect approach to take when kids are old enough.

I remember a boyfriend I had when I was in my early 20’s had grown up having a different ‘step-dad’ figure every month. They would always be moved into the house straight away, and every summer his mum would play happy families and he was dragged on a family holiday with a different man. He had serious commitment issues and a whole host of other relationship issues, and I can’t help but feel his mums decision to do this had a huge impact on his future relationships.

Honestly I fear being judged as I only waited six months..

The balance is so hard as obviously the children stand to benefit hugely from me having a supportive partner who is a friend to them.

I think six months is around the ideal time if you consider your relationship to be a keeper otherwise you get to the point where it actually starts getting riskier the longer you wait. If your partner doesn't get on with your kids then it's much easier to take the tough decision to separate rather than trying to force things to work because you've already been together a year or longer with all the emotional investment that entails.

It really is a tricky one, and I do think it varies depending on the partner, child etc.

I met my ex a few weeks before I became a parent so it was an odd situation to be in, we used to do days out together and he would sometimes come round after work for an hour or so. Even though he was only two I still used to tell him if ex was staying over, we slowly increased him staying over until he moved in. I always made sure my son and I just did things together as well, rather than my ex also being part of everything.

Current FWB is an old friend and an ex before son, son knows him very well and has known him for as long as he has known me. Son very much likes him, enjoys playing with him and often asks when he is coming over. When we do something as a big friendship group my son will always gravitate to him. But I still wouldn’t move him in etc, just as I wouldn’t move another friend in.

I think that all sounds fine. The way it’s writen about all the questions to your DD sounds a bit much but I think that’s just shorthand writing.

I think you haven’t had many replies because you clearly have an approach and have used it a long time and aren’t looking for tips. If I had done if differently I wouldn’t post to this thread because your tone is quite pleased with yourself and I would imagine you’d not take well to dissent.

I think how you've handled it is perfect, especially taking your daughters lead. And continuing to monitor the relationship is what every parent should be doing.

Its funny tho, because if for example you started a OP about troubles in your relationship there would be posters shouting about "its only been 6 months!!!" You see it regularly on here, not that i would agree but its an interesting point.

For what its worth i have not been in your position, my mum introduced only one partner (step dad) to us as children (i found out as an adult she had been in a relationship with one previously for a few months but didnt introuduce us and we had no clue) But we always knew, we came first which helped.

My post did have paragraphs

Someone I know went from meeting to moving BF in with her and her children all in around 6 months. Birth father completely absent/not been on the scene for several years. Children are all pre-teen and younger.

I don't have kids and even I am rather at the adults' behaviour.

I came at this from the other perspective - being the new partner being introduced to DH's DC. We got together and I moved in very quickly for a number of reasons - my ex had left me in lots of debt so I couldn't afford my rent, I got pregnant a few weeks into our relationship, I needed to move somewhere my ex couldn't find me. I met his DC immediately we started dating, as I met him when he had them with him.

His DC are boys, and were older - 12 and 18 - so a lot of the safeguarding aspects you are concerned about didn't really apply. Luckily we all got on really well, and they were excited to see their dad happy for the first time in years - in fact DSS2 said in his eulogy recently that he had never known his dad to be happy in his life until he met me - so things worked out well.

Reflecting on it now, it was pure luck that we didn't have any problems. DH had not dated at all after his divorce and had been a single dad for nearly 10 years when I met him.

Yes it sounds like you have taken a measured approach but OP also comes across very judgey.

I think most would agree 6 weeks was not long. However, some people would say 6 months is too soon also.

There is no "correct" in this.

Not everybody can have a partner who is DBS checked because they work with children or vulnerable adults so that's a safeguard not everybody can use. Obviously in an ideal world parents would take every step possible to make sure a new partner was suitable to have around Their DCs but what that means will differ a lot from one situation to another.

I don't think you will get many people responding because of the tone of the OP which is basically "look how sorted I've got this, and look how bad these other mums are."

My ds was ten when when me and ex got together. I had actually intended to wait for introductions but then my ex engineered DS coming round when he knew DP would be here, after a matter of only weeks, and then told me that if I didn’t tell DS I had a new boyfriend he would, in the hope that DS would be really upset and that I’d dump DP.

So I introduced them and we spent time together, but it was always on the understanding that DP was a friend, but DS figured it out anyway.

DP just didn’t wander round the house in states of half undress and so on, it wasn’t a conversation we ever needed to have. And things just progressed.

We still don’t live together six years on for various reasons, so I still get the mixture of time between being with all of us, to being just me and DS, and that works. Ml

My ddog is a very good judge of character and very iffy with new people. I spent time just dp+me +ddog before he met the dc!!
He had never known any little dc tbh. I have adult dc who gave approval. We went on holiday after about 7 months. Any man who can cope with 3dc in a tent is def a keeper imo!
Married with a dc now!!
Trust your gut. Which I appreciate can be tough after a nasty break up or bad relationship.

@QuickQuestion2019 I can't help with your question as have never had to deal with the situation. I just wanted to say I think you handled it perfectly. So many people rush in with new partners with their children putting their own needs first, the children should always come first. Well done

You've been very sensible about, OP and I wish more people would take the steps you have. I was SA so admittedly I'm more sensitive and cautious to leaving DS with others. 6 months for me is an ideal time, it's what I would recommend and I agree with your house rules.

My DP was my friend of a decade before we got together, he met DS after 6 months and only in group settings, 3 years down we don't live together yet but he stays at weekends. He has only looked after DS for the odd hour if I've been desperate and doesn't do anything like bed/bath/toilets, I'm the parent not him therefore non of that is his responsibility, and in my case DS already has a dad. On the other end of the spectrum I had a friend who's children have had multiple 'dads' in their short lives and is currently on holiday with them and a man she's known a week...not sure if that's better or worse than the man she met online moved in immediately with very prominent MH issues and was a complete deviant... I would say involving people in your children's lives within a matter of weeks is negligent.

I would say involving people in your children's lives within a matter of weeks is negligent. tbh I think that depends on how much you involve them in your children’s lives.

E.g. if you do things together and spend time together and that’s all, it’s still entirely possible that a relationship of a matter of weeks will last the distance and will grow over time, whereas actually if you’re going to wait a year or more then your relationship as purely a couple is established and throwing children into that mix can in fact make things far more complicated. If you consider that even having children in an established marriage/cohabitation setup changes the dynamic of that relationship, then it’s not a great leap to realising that once you introduce children who are not biologically yours or your partner’s at all into the mix is going to put a huge amount of differences into a relationship where it’s only been about the two of you until then.

Obviously if you have a habit of casual dating then it’s never a good idea to introduce a multitude of partners into your children’s lives.

Also, does depend on the ages of the children. Older children aren’t stupid, they generally know if their parents are likely dating (talking teens here) and I think that it’s not wrong to be honest with them even if you tell them you haven’t introduced them yet because you don’t know yet whether things will work. Whereas smaller DC are very black and white in their thinking.

No, it's not as black and white as I've written I agree, and older children will know if you're dating but they're more independent and are not so enthusiastic towards new people so different circumstances. If you're bringing in a stranger to your (particularly younger) children's lives immediately to be a part of their family dynamic, that's negligent and selfish. Unfortunately many parents are willing to put the progression of their relationship before their children's needs and want a a new step-parent rather than a partner, as has been seen on previous posts here. Holding off for a couple of months to see each other whilst the kid's aren't asleep or elsewhere shouldn't make or break a relationship.