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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has a new sim card package in his pocket and doesnt know why

54 replies

bamboo788 · 18/04/2019 06:52

He emptied his pockets on the kitchen table the other day. I picked up a set of cards, 1 pay as you go top up card for tesco mobiles and 1 card that has the pop off tesco sim with the sim already out of the card.

Neither of us has a tesco mobile. some of the printed writing on the cards has been scratched, so it looks to me like it's a few weeks old and been in his pocket for a while.

I asked him whats this? do you have a second phone? he said no and said he did not know how it ended up there. I asked him again he shrugged and said i dont know!

I stupidly rang the number there and then but it went to voice mail. he looked unsurprised and smiled. I thought he seemed smug and unsurprised. I checked the number of mobile validation on a website and it says its a valid active number.

So as not to drip feed,

He has a mobile phone which he had for years and he has never stopped me accessing or using it or borrowing it.

The relationship isn't going well and he has 2 days a week where i am not around but he usually looks scruffy, doing DIY or lazing about in work clothes. His job is manual and he has been coming home 2 hours later smelling of booze since 2 or 3 months ago. He says he is drinking at the workshop with his work mates after work. when i call him he doesnt answer or if he does he keeps the conversation very brief almost grunting instead of actually talking properly like i am at X and i will be back at X he's like umm hmmm. he comes home smelly and filthy from his job so, i can't imagine he is having sex afterwards?!

He doesn't look clean or groomed as if meeting someone but I'm wondering if i'm being stupid or what

What do I do? am I paranoid?

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 18/04/2019 08:06

How strange, given your thoughts about him being in work gear etc I toowas thinking either drugs or sorry to say, escorts / massage parlours.

Littleduckeggblue · 18/04/2019 08:06

He could be hiding the other SIM card in the back of his phone (not in the actual SIM card slot) ... I had a friend that used to do this. And then just be swapping between SIM cards.
I'd check

Original poster
bamboo788 · 18/04/2019 08:07

Thanks everyone. You have all given me so much to think about. I will log off now as I have to do some work but thanks again for your advice and support.

OP posts:
MilkshakeMonkey · 18/04/2019 08:08

It’s like he’s not even trying to hide that he’s up to something. Surely you would try and hide the phone a bit better? I would document as much as you can (take pics of phone, sim, call log etc) because if he starts gaslighting you, it will confirm what you know (they make you think you’re going mad)
Could you call by work when he’s ‘after hours’ drinking (which sounds incredibly dodgy to me-regularly consuming alcohol in your place of work).
He needs to be accountable for this. Can you check bank statements and have a dig for receipts. Have you looked up the unknown number on Facebook or try putting into your phone book then open it in WhatsApp.
Something is not right here, this is not normal behaviour

UCOinanOCG · 18/04/2019 08:18

He is hiding something from you for sure. Sounds like he planted that old phone with the new SIM in it to try and throw you off the scent.

ponyprincess · 18/04/2019 08:19

@bamboo788 his 'i don't know' is obviously a ridiculous answer as he DOES know but this reply is cruelly designed to make you doubt and question yourself. The smile when you tried to ring the nunber.. That is chilling as he clearly knows he is upsetting you and does not care.

The suggestions on where to look for the second phone/sim card from pps are good ones, if you feel you need that concrete evidence

PineapplePatty · 18/04/2019 09:00

That's very odd. Why plant an old phone?

SparklyMagpie · 18/04/2019 09:21

Could you charge the phone up and ring that number off it ?

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 18/04/2019 09:21

I'm not sure if this would fit in with the situation but could he be trying to make you think that it's just from your old phone and stop looking for his new one?

forumdonkey · 18/04/2019 18:21

@DrinkSangriaInThePark that's what I wondered too.

@bamboo788, have you kept the phone with the sim switched on? It'd be interesting to see if someone called it?

Susanna30 · 18/04/2019 19:26

I once read through my DH's phone messages. During a time when we were having problems.
In a conversation with his friend, the friend mentioned cheating on his fiancé, he was using his work phone to use dating apps, message someone he'd been sleeping with etc.. and mentioned where he hid it (out of the house so ** wouldn't find it).

This sounds the same.
Cheating or drug dealing!

He'll be 'on guard' now so may be unlikely to find anything.. until he trips up.

Original poster
bamboo788 · 19/04/2019 07:07

Hi, thank you everyone for your messages and for sharing your experiences about this and confirming my sense that I'm being gaslighted, it's literally making me doubt myself and there are other examples of this which I don't want to get into on this thread.

I don't think he is gambling because we have a joint account and his wages are paid directly to it, I check the bank statements and I don't see any unusual activities plus he says very strong views about gambling.

Drugs?...I don't know. He doesn't take drugs..but I suppose that doesn't stop someone being a dealer. I don't know.. I would be devastated even more than an affair if he was involved in drugs tbh.

Will keep an eye and keep searching on the quiet.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
S021 · 19/04/2019 07:36

Good Luck
Be vigilant and make notes (possibly hidden on your phone) about any strange behaviour. Even just an everyday diary type thing of his behaviour, time he leaves and returns to the house etc.
It may throw up something or a letter of behaviour 💐

S021 · 19/04/2019 07:37

Pattern of behaviour

Nat6999 · 19/04/2019 08:25

Look for things like getting petrol from a different filling station, buying new clothes that you never see, changing hours at work, "working late", booking days off when you are working. If you can, check in his car for receipts, a change of clothes & toiletries, can you check his normal mobile phone bill? It might be sneaky but if he is off on one of his unannounced days off, could you come home during the day " feeling ill" do you have a location tracker for his normal mobile, even if he is using the payg phone he will still have his normal mobile with him.

Inliverpool1 · 19/04/2019 08:30

If I could go back in time I wouldn’t search for things, I wouldn’t write down diaries, I wouldn’t react at all, just kick the fucker out and if he wants to restart things he can crawl back in his hands and knees into your life.

S021 · 19/04/2019 10:54

Wise words in retrospect Inliverpool1

I do think the OP should find out what’s going on though

Mrsmummy90 · 19/04/2019 11:01

Definitely dodgy! I wouldn't jump straight to cheating without more evidence but something isn't right.

MadeForThis · 19/04/2019 11:55

Have you told him you have found the phone? If not leave it there and see what happens. I'm assuming he has now got another sim and abandoned using that one.

likeridingabike · 19/04/2019 15:26

If I could go back in time, I'd hire someone to follow my ex as soon as I suspected he was up to something and then have the locks changed. I would have saved myself 18 months of emotional torture and gaslighting.

OoohAyyye · 19/04/2019 15:36

Of course he knows why it's there. I would not accept that he does not know. In fact I'd ask him to leave (if possible) because he's clearly lying. I'm so sorry OP.

Butterymuffin · 19/04/2019 15:52

Make him think you've bought the 'old phone left in a drawer' story. Tell him you've found it and then you can watch him very carefully and catch him out when he relaxes again.

motherofdxughters · 19/04/2019 15:59

He's lying. Whether he's cheating, gambling, buying drugs, or some other nefarious motive - he's lying. That's the big thing here.

QueenBeex · 19/04/2019 16:46

call the number on the days you aren't at home with him.
If you aren't there with him he might swap sims and put the secret one into his phone
Could he be using a different phone/sim to contact "call girls" for phone sex? Or could he be drug dealing? Or gambling? Is he phone locked the a certain network or will it take any SIM? Would the SIM work in his phone? Has he got any different phone chargers laying around in his car /draws that don't fit his phone that you know of?

QueenBeex · 19/04/2019 16:49

On the bank statments does it show that he's spent £X in a phone store? Or does it say that a purchase for a SIM has been made? There may not be another phone to even search for.... he could be swapping sims and using the secret SIM in his normal phone when you're not around. That could be why it went straight to voice mail because the SIM wasn't in his phone at the time. Of course he wouldn't have the secret SIM in his phone when you're around.

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