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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend has cut me off

37 replies

fuddle · 17/04/2019 18:18

I have known my friend for over 17 years. We message most days see each other weekly. We have been very close friends. We both left our DHs at the same time. She has recently got back from a trip to see an ex she knew 36 years ago in America. It all went well and she sent the odd photo. I dropped her at the airport. When she got back I heard nothing from her which is unusual as she always wanted to talk to me about him and usually messages loads and as I'd been her confidante I found that odd. After a couple of days I asked if everything was OK and I got back a reply about how she'd got back late, was then working and going out with her son. Nothing else and it isn't about being too busy not given her usual pattern of behaviour. I was the only friend shed discussed this relationship with in any detail. I'm getting ignored. Her new man is visiting her in July and she's going out to be with him for a few months later in the year. I'm now trying to imagine what I've done wrong. However I won't be spending too much time before moving on. I hate to admit she did this before and I let her back into my life.

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 17/04/2019 18:22

Oh well. Friendships end.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 18:24

Normally I would say send her a message saying "What's going on? Why have you gone quiet? Are you OK?" but if she's done this before I wouldn't. She only gets one chance.

SandyY2K · 17/04/2019 18:31

How long since you last heard from her?

BugPlaster · 17/04/2019 18:32

It hurts but it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. You can see it's a pattern on her part. Put your energy into something more fulfilling.

Original poster

fuddle · 17/04/2019 19:07

I messaged yesterday morning now that doesn't sound like long but it is for her. Considering how things used to be. I also have keys to her flat and I thought she would want them back asap as if she isn't comfortable with our friendship anymore. I used to have to phone to say I was outside even though she knew I was visiting as she was paranoid her ex DH would try and come round even though its the last thing he would do.

OP posts:

Original poster

fuddle · 17/04/2019 19:14

I get that that friendships end baggypants but usually people drift apart. She's gone from being a really nice friend to being very cold. Its like she couldn't care less which is hurtful.

OP posts:

Angelinthenightx · 17/04/2019 19:15

She will coming back when things go wrong,i had a friend do this to me and now my feelings have totally changed for her,im there if she needs someone but im not the amazing friend i once was towards her, it hurts but u get over it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/04/2019 19:28

Did you approve of her relationship with this man?
Did you express any doubts about him?

Original poster

fuddle · 17/04/2019 19:33

No I encouraged her and listened for hours giving her advice etc.

OP posts:

adayatthebeach · 17/04/2019 19:34

She probably doesn’t want to discuss her visit or relationship with this man. For what ever reason and doesn’t need you right now.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/04/2019 19:48

She sounds like someone who, once they have a new focus, pretty much disregard other people who've been an important factor in their lives. I realised recently that I have a friend like this, albeit not one that I was all that close to. I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. My advice would be to reply to her if she texts you but otherwise keep busy, get on with your life and don't just let her come running back if she decides you are more valuable than she realised (quite likely).

PlatypusLeague · 17/04/2019 19:54

Put the keys through her letterbox and move on.

springydaff · 17/04/2019 20:19

Did she listen to you for hours and give you advice?

Tucobenedicto · 17/04/2019 20:23

Maybe she has fell out with this guy and doesn't want to say....

CantStopMeNow · 17/04/2019 20:29

I hate to admit she did this before and I let her back into my life
Let me guess - this was around the time she was having problems/leaving her ex?

She sounds like someone who only wants to use you when she's having a bad time or there's 'nothing better' going on in her life.
I'd block her number and post her keys back.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 00:15

hate to admit she did this before and I let her back into my life.

Did you find out why she did it last time?

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/04/2019 00:26

Lobsterquadrille2 has it

I wouldn't be listening to anymore hours of her droaning on, or offering any advice.
Leave her to it and move on.

JimJamTimTam · 18/04/2019 01:24

Sympathies op, this is hard. We can underestimate how hard it is to lose friends.

I doubt it has anything to do with you. You’re key decision now is what to do when she comes back.

LemonTT · 18/04/2019 08:56

What has she cut you off from? I would just assume she wants some space, either from me or everyone. She might want to digest issues on her own without other people’s, & perhaps specifically, your opinions. That could be a mistake on her part but she is an adult.

I wouldn’t feel cut off or hurt because a friend is showing they want some space for what seems to be a few days. I might be worried about them and if I thought they were unsafe I would act on that concern. But otherwise I would wait and see.

Sorry OP but don’t see what she has done wrong and I don’t think she is cutting you off. I do think it strange the way you have made this all about you in a fairly dramatic way based on someone demonstrating they want some space. Concern I get but not offence.

Do you give her a lot of advice ?

Original poster

fuddle · 18/04/2019 14:08

I've already asked her if she was OK that was my first thought. I'm not concerned as there are plenty of posts on Facebook with other people and she appears to be getting on very well with her DP. When someone changes their behaviour you automatically think its you why because I'm not a robot and she's dine this before.

OP posts:

Original poster

fuddle · 18/04/2019 14:18

I'm fine with the space thing I'm not a particularly needy friend. She would message me a lot and I gave her support but equally she's done the same for me. A text to say you got back OK costs nothing but to hear nothing I find rude.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 18/04/2019 16:40

I have never ever sent a message to say I got back from a trip to friends unless on my way to meet them from the airport. They certainly don’t do it for me and we have been friends for decades. My family and DP yes.

ShinyShoe · 18/04/2019 17:05

If she’s just flown back from overseas she could be jet lagged?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 18/04/2019 17:13

I think the OP is comparing how her friend is behaving now (and her level of communication) to her normal behaviour in the past. If she's generally been in almost constant contact then yes, it sounds like a noticeable change.

OP, I reiterate my previous thoughts and would just add, don't be her "go to" friend when her current focus has paled a bit. She probably takes you for granted as someone to fall back on.

angel0071987 · 18/04/2019 17:15

Could have written your post myself

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