Friend has cut me off

[fuddle]

I have known my friend for over 17 years. We message most days see each other weekly. We have been very close friends. We both left our DHs at the same time. She has recently got back from a trip to see an ex she knew 36 years ago in America. It all went well and she sent the odd photo. I dropped her at the airport. When she got back I heard nothing from her which is unusual as she always wanted to talk to me about him and usually messages loads and as I'd been her confidante I found that odd. After a couple of days I asked if everything was OK and I got back a reply about how she'd got back late, was then working and going out with her son. Nothing else and it isn't about being too busy not given her usual pattern of behaviour. I was the only friend shed discussed this relationship with in any detail. I'm getting ignored. Her new man is visiting her in July and she's going out to be with him for a few months later in the year. I'm now trying to imagine what I've done wrong. However I won't be spending too much time before moving on. I hate to admit she did this before and I let her back into my life.

I should add I was supposed to be getting her from the airport but I was doing a night shift but said I would get her before work. She messaged to say when she was arriving so I text her but she said just leave it I'll get the train my son will meet me. I thought it was adding extra time onto the journey but she didn't want to put me out. I wouldn't normally expect a text to say shed got home but as she messages a lot I thought this out of character. I am just saying its a difference in communication.

Lemon TT of course I wouldn't expect a message from a friend.

I do think you are over invested in this friendship to be honest. Picking up a friend from the airport is a favour you do if it convenient. Not something you go out of your way to do. But the strange bit is that she told you not to bother and then you question her decision making. It’s not something you should be remotely bothered about. Relieved but not bothered.

It might do you both some good to have a bit of distance. I think she is deliberately low contacting to take some of the intensity out of the friendship. Which would be right because at the moment this sounds as intense as a romance at least on your part and from what you say she was the same. Perhaps it has been pointed out or she has realised this.

She text me the arrival time then twenty minutes later said don't bother ??? Anyway unless you've actually been in a situation with a friend you've no idea.

I think she is deliberately low contacting to take some of the intensity out of the friendship

Nah, she has form for this. She has a partner now and this is probably why she is acting this way.

OP, she is your friend, you know her, so if you think she is cutting you off then she most likely is. She has done it before so you know the signs

I find this thread interesting as I’m currently doing what a pp says - trying to pull back from a similar friendship (talk daily, see other often etc) not because I don’t care very much about my friend, but because it’s too intense for me.

Thanks for your comments most of which have been v helpful. I've known her for 17 years and too say I'm too invested is odd. People think just because its a friendship you shouldn't feel hurt.
My friend reconnected with her ex on Facebook and told me her every move and I know a lot about him. She wanted to know what to say and was obviously very anxious about going out to meet him and talked about this incessantly. It looks as though they really got on well. She did message me when away but I wouldn't expect lots of contact. She's been a good friend to me. We live half a mile from each other both separated. I have lots of friends a good social life a lovely DP but its nice when you have a close friend.
I'd said I would take her to and from the airport as no one else could and its quite pricey but then my shifts changed. I could still collect her but then had to go straight to work. She text arrival time then said just leave it.
So she's been back since Sunday and she usually messages a lot. She's probably got a lot of reassurance from her new DP and doesn't need me she may not even realise she's doing it. Maybe in time she will settle. Its the sudden change in behaviour that I thought strange. From her posts on Facebook she had a lovely birthday meal.
Actually its rather nice not to be messaged so much. I think when she left her DP she was lonely. I'm not really interested in getting back to how it was I just don't want to be ignored that is a horrible feeling. I know sometimes she's got annoyed with other friends as we all have and you need a break from them but falling out just takes up too much energy. I shall proceed with caution. I think her new DP now that's she's met him, is giving her the reassurance she needs. The difference is its long distance.
She used to say to me I hardly see you but I thought once a week for a catch up was enough. I have 3 children a DP whi i dont live with two jobs just finishing my degree and so in a way this is good as long as I'm not cut out its a horrible feeling.

Or it could be that the reunion didn't go as well as she had hoped and is in denial? She knows that discussing it with you will bring her fears up? Or she's all loved up and isn't thinking about you or anyone else at the moment?

OP I have a friend a bit like this. She had a breakdown over a breakup (wasn't even a relationship) and she practically lived in my house and she completely smothered me. She gave me very little support when my 17 year relationship ended.
Now she has met someone else and this has now stopped. She hasn't cut contact and we're still friends and spend time together but nothing like the way it was when she was 'in need'.
This sounds like your friend has other priorities at the moment.
I would just stop initiating contact for a while and just keep her keys until she asks for them back.

So, to add, the level of contact from some friends can vary depending on what's going on in their life at that time. I'm not sure they even give it any thought. She was single, so relied on contact with you more. She has a new man so no longer needs that level of contact. Simple as that.
I'm not saying its right for her to almost cut you out and, if she has, you need to decide if this is a friend you even want in your life.

This has happened to me and it's basically broken me. My friendship was 7 years of real lovely times and closeness and he was my best friend, the fact he's a bloke makes it 100x more complicated as I am second-guessing myself (Is it because his girlfriend is jealous? Am I secretly in love with him and didn't know?) but the overall sentiment is the same.

This happened to me once before although the person then was an ex and it took me years and years to get over, for me it was not the loss of the other person - that is part of life sometimes, friendships do end and evolve over time and we have to learn to let go - but the fact that someone I thought would NEVER ghost me had ghosted me.

It's the grief of a friendship ending (which is real and those who are hurting right now will feel me on this) coupled with the lack of understanding and closure that is searingly painful. I keep wondering what I did or said, or why if he wasn't keen on being friends any longer he couldn't have simply told me so I could move on with my life.

Sadly there is very little you can do, I haven't heard from my best friend for three months where before our contact was pretty regular although definitely not daily and often not every week. It hurts massively when someone you thought would always be in your life drops off the face of the earth and you have no clue why. It hurts when you are worried about them and don't know if they are okay. But eventually you have to take actions at face value, and if someone is acting like they give not one shit, well then they probably don't give a shit.

I sometimes think I'm too intolerant with my partners and lack compromise, but when it comes to my friendships I put up with too much crap and flakiness. I'm taking this as an opportunity to set boundaries in my current and future friendships so I never allow myself to be taken for granted so much again. So I suppose it's been a useful lesson, but a very painful one.
Best of luck, OP

Some people don’t value friendships the same way others do.

I had some really close friends in my last job, who I thought were friends for life, helped them out with stuff and they’ve pretty most ghosted me entirely (we all work in different places now so it isn’t as though they work together). I know they still see each other as it’s on social media. I’ve just unfollowed them both and now concentrate on the relationships which are worth putting the effort into. I don’t know whether I did anything wrong or just dropped off their radar but meh, I have other (better) friends.

You’ll drive yourself insane wondering what happened. Sounds like you were “convenient” for a while. Your friend has shown her true colours more than once.