Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you or have you dated a criminal

72 replies

Bellasorellaa · 17/04/2019 15:55

my sister is dating someone who has been in prison 5 times
i thought my choice in men was bad! but she ......well

am i judgemental or wrong?

i have met him hes actually nice and treats her good, shes an adult of 25 so i have no say so and havent said anything to her because its not my business but these are just my thoughts?

so what are your thoughts?

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/04/2019 08:56

I’m quite shocked at the amount of people who have so casually said “yeah, I’ve dated someone who has been in prison a few times “

CupcakeDrama · 18/04/2019 09:04

Its not that many
people? what do you think ex prisoners just stay single forever then?

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2019 09:06

I dated two people who are now or have been Members of Parliament-does that count?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 18/04/2019 09:07

I’m quite shocked at the amount of people who have so casually said “yeah, I’ve dated someone who has been in prison a few times “

How many have? I cant see that many.

Flairhead · 18/04/2019 09:10

I know someone who's in a relationship with a man who served two years for sexual assault. She stood by him while he was inside and is convinced he was wrongly convicted. She's no longer happy with him though but somehow can't seem to end the relationship.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/04/2019 11:09

I probably should have said “have dated or would date”

I don’t expect that a convicted criminal should stay single, no. I just wouldn’t have thought that the average prison wife/GF is a mumsnetter.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 18/04/2019 11:15

It's not the average though.

Quite frankly, I bet you know or interact with more people who have been arrested and charged with something, than you think.

Doesitevenmatternow · 18/04/2019 11:42

No way.

Myheartbelongsto · 18/04/2019 13:48

My boyfriend has been to prison and he's the nicest person you could meet.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 18/04/2019 13:57

I'm from a 'criminal' family. My DH was arrested for attempted murder. An ex spent several years in prison. A lot of people in my industry have records, and/or have spent time inside. And I would trust every single one of them with my life. awaits the typical MN flaming

Molecule · 18/04/2019 14:16

I would be very wary. My exh was arrested and convicted of handling stolen goods whilst we were married. I stood by him, buying his various sob stories etc, but in retrospect he was very much of a criminal mind. Turns out he’d been done for clocking cars, though not sent to prison, and was always the sort to park in disabled spaces (apparently this is something the criminally minded do). He became increasingly controlling and abusive (not physically) until he raped me, which was when I could no longer continue (I’d stayed because with four children and GCSEs and A levels there was never a good time to go).

If you met him you’d think he was charming and delightful, but there is a very dark side. How you persuade your sister though is another matter. The timescale for my exh’s crimes (that I know of, there may well be many that I don’t) is early 1980’s, 1995 and then 2017. However he was a fully formed adult when he committed them, not a troubled adolescent.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/04/2019 15:30

Username: attempted murder? It’s not exactly parking in a parent and child space when you haven’t got a kid in the car, is it? Attempted murder, that’s some petty heavy shit that he must have been involved with.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 18/04/2019 18:03

Curly....yes....and my entire family are heavy duty. It doesn't mean I personally live a life like that. I have my own business and live a guilt free life. Unfortunately my surname (maiden and married ) has hindered me, but I figure if nobody can see passed my name, then they're not worth it. But I wouldn't change a thing, and it wouldn't stop me stopping my DC from dating a criminal

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 18/04/2019 19:09

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername anyone who judges you on your family arent worth your time.

I am actually involved with a charity that works with ex offenders. While I would be wary of someone who has been to prison 5 times. It shame so many people, write off ex offenders. Without even a consideration.

And I bet these are some of the same people that believe exoffenders have paid their debt to society and should be rehabilitated.

evilharpy · 18/04/2019 19:21

A family member’s husband did a few stints inside before they got together - they’ve been married about 30 years now and have two grandchildren and a more doting dad and grandad and a kinder man you could never meet. He’s also incredibly good to my mum who is only his relative by marriage but he’s always there doing odd jobs and giving her lifts.

He just had a shit start and got in with a bad crowd when he was young. My family are rather straight laced and could have easily written him off, but they didn’t.

One of my long ago exes from when I was a teenager, after we broke up, did time for armed robbery. He was an asshole though.

Would I go out with someone now if they’d done time? In all honesty probably not, which is probably a bit shit of me given how much we all love the guy I mentioned above.

evilharpy · 18/04/2019 19:24

Although if it was a long time ago and they had never reoffended and if they had a job and seemed to have settled down, then I might. And it would depend on the offence. Attempted murder, probably not. Bit of class C drug dealing in their early 20s, probably.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 18/04/2019 19:30

Putthatlamp exactly. I'm really proud of what I've achieved considering my background, and extremely proud of my DC...(think Uni educated etc) considering the route they could have gone down. I don't ever tell anybody my background. Not because I'm ashamed, but because its nobody elses business.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 18/04/2019 19:36

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername you should be proud.

I am Irish. From Derry. I have a shit ton of cousins and second over there and in England. I have relatives inside. Theres that many of us, seems inevitable that someone would be.

I have visited Armley high security a few times with my work with charities. Maybe its normal to me.

My dads friend was charged with attempted murder. It wasnt. He got in a fight with a man. That man had beaten my dads friends daughter and almost killed her. Then started goading my dads friend in a pub.

Whilst I hope it's not something I would have done, I can see why that fight happened and why it found it difficult to stop hitting the man.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 18/04/2019 20:20

Theres always 2 sides to every story. And not everybody wants to listen to the 'guilty' ones side. Of course, they haven't always got one, and certainly my DF didn't have one, with some of the crimes he committed. My DH however was a similar kind of story to yours, and whilst not excusing him, I can also see the whys and hows. I think your work is admirable, and wish people could see past the 'criminal'. Of course, there are crimes that are abhorrent and unforgiveable - these aren't the ones I'm talking about

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/04/2019 20:34

No, plenty of other fish to choose from.

Senseiwu · 18/04/2019 20:49

I'm also from a criminal family - and for that reason I would be steering well clear of dating a convicted criminal. Of course there are differences in crimes but the crimes in this op's post would be a no go.

Orange6904 · 18/04/2019 22:34

Depends on the person and the crime. I did when I was younger but didn't last long, the world he was in was too chaotic and scary.

Flip

1 2 3