Bad breakup - no access to DD

[DoubleGG]

I have recently separated from my partner. We have a 3yr old DD. My partner was very controlling and had explosive anger issues whenever I tried to stand up for myself or do anything that didn't involve her. I am worried about leaving my DD with her because of this but I didn't have a lot of choice.
Rather than let me leave she called up the police and had me arrested. She has weaponised the police before and she is v good at telling stories. She told some very bad ones about me and my DD to try and make sure I couldn't ever get custody.
All bail conditions have been dropped so I've been trying to contact her to get my stuff from her house and arrange contact with my DD, but she has blocked all my messages and refuses to even talk to me.
I am talking to her mother but she can't do much as she is worried she will piss off her daughter and she'll break off contact with her again. She found out my ex partner wants a bag that she gifted to me back and is refusing to give my stuff back until I give it back. She's refusing to even discuss access to DD for me with her mum.
Really not sure what I can do in this situation.

You need some legal advice. Do you have any texts of messages that she sent to you?

Do you know what she told the people to have you arrested? Have they charged you?

You need to contact a mediation service locally. It’s all expensive but there is financial support.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/mediation-to-help-you-separate/

I would write a letter formally presenting a practical situation of what contact would look like for example overnights at the weekend and see what she says, if anything. But at least you have evidence to say that you’ve done everything to establish contact. I would also rub it in her face, send your dc little packages with toys, a colouring book and chocolates etc to show her you haven’t forgotten about her.

Hope this helps.

Thank you. I like the idea of sending her packages. I worry that my DD doesn't know what happened. Her favourite parent has just disappeared with only my ex's explanation of what happened. I want her to know I'm still out here fighting for her.
My ex partner hacked into my computer and deleted all the videos I had made of her going crazy and smashing stuff so I have little hard evidence.
She went crazy when I told her I wanted to leave her and got really nasty. Claiming she had made videos of DD saying pedo stuff about me. I wasn't sure what to do about this but before I could get an idea she accused me of abh and criminal damage.
In custody I told them about what she'd said so they arrested me for that as well.
All bail conditions have been dropped and I sense the police know it's bullshit but they must do due diligence.
I'm stuck in limbo and don't know where I stand.

Thanks. I like the idea of sending a package. Something to remind DD that her dad is still out her fighting for her. I worry that she won't know what happened and won't understand why her favourite parent has disappeared.
When I told my ex I was leaving her she went proper crazy, said she'd made a video of DD saying pedo stuff about me. Before I could get an idea of what to do about this she had me arrested for ABH and criminal damage. While in custody I told them about what she'd said about the video she'd made so they arrested me for that as well.
All bail conditions have since been dropped and I sense the police know it's bullshit but they must do their due diligence.
I really worry as ex is controling and is explosively angry when someone defies her. I don't want that for my daughter.

Taking everything you've said at face value, I would advise a few things:

1. Legal advice is a priority - a crininal defence lawyer to deal witb the malicious allegations, and a family lawyer to address residency issues.

1. Spcial Services will already have received a referral from the Police. They may or may not act on that, depending on ybe risk they believe is facing your daughter. Right now, they will believe that risk arises from you. Since you have no contact now, they may well decide not to intervene, because they will believe there is no longer a risk. You therefore need to push for intervention, since you believe that your ex is a risk to your daughter. I would advise making a direct approah to Social Services to ask for their help, and to set out your concerns. You start this process at a disadvantage - criminal allegations have been made against you, and - bluntly - you're a man. So you will need to be an open nook, and prove by action and word that you are acting in the best interests of your daughter.

1. I can see why the idea of sending packages appeals. In your shoes, I'd advise against it. It won't take much for her to present that as harassment.

1. File for an emergency order to secure access to your daughter. Line up witnesses - everyone who has seen the behaviour you described.

1. Speak to domestic abuse services, because that's what you've experienced. Ideally, an organisation that spwcialises in supporting men. Start with The Mankind Initiative. Lots of abuse services start from a presumption that men are offenders and women are victims, so you need to worm witb an organisation that understands the issues that are particular to the 1 in 3 victims of domestic abuse who are male.

You have a hell of a fight ahead of you. Be above reproach at all times. You may face some dark times. Don't be afraid to seek help from The Samaritans or elsewhere if you need it. Keep talking - to friends and family. Above all, remember when things get hard that you're doing this for your daughter.

1. I have a criminal defense solicitor and he has advised me not to worry as these allegations will most likely amount to nothing.

Family solicitors aren't covered by legal aid and they are expensive. Trying to find one that receives support to help out financially disadvantaged people.

1. Social services are involved and have been involved before. We moved a lot and they lost track of us, I think. Last time they were more concerned about my ex's mental state. But she carefully crafted what we both had to say to get the family back together.
2. 😥 I haven't seen DD in 41 days. I really want to send her something.

My ex is still holding most of my possessions and I'm trying to contact her (through her mum) to sort that.

1. I imagine if need a family solicitor to do that... I have tried to contact an old friend that saw a lot of stuff and had an explosive falling out with ex so I imagine she reluctant to get involved.
2. I've tried a few men's domestic abuse charities but they seem to be less supported and supportive than I imagined. The few I got in contact with were not able to offer much advice and the ones I left messages with requesting callbacks never did.

Are you on the mortgage/tenancy? If so, you can get stuff from the house but I'd advise asking the police to attend in case your ex kicks off.

You have equal rights to see your child so get that sorted by court action asap. Would you want to have full custody?

I am not on the tenancy and have already had police assistance to grab some essential clothes, but I didn't have anywhere to live then so couldn't collect everything. Still a lot of stuff there which she's refusing to allow anyone to collect now.
I would like full custody, but I am a realist and as a man I have few rights and am unlikely to be able to prove my ex is an unfit mother. She hacked my computer and deleted all these videos I had stored. Whenever she went crazy I used to film her and she would calm down. She hated being caught on film showing her true colours. It was my defence mechanism for ages and the store of videos was my proof of how she really acted, just in case I ever needed it....

My ex partner hacked into my computer and deleted all the videos I had made of her going crazy and smashing stuff so I have little hard evidence.

It's very difficult to permanently erase things. If you get a computer expert to look at it, it's possible they are retrievable.

I used some software that could restore data, but she deleted videos of her then duplicated other videos which overwrote all the data clusters. Not sure where to go to get professional help and am unsure if they would be able to do any more.

If anyone has a recommendation for a computer expert in London I would jump on that.

They must have been very serious allegations for the police to arrest you and then originally set bail.
Why were social services involved before and why have you moved a lot?
I can't imagine that access will be looked at favourably by a judge if you have been charged with domestic violence or paedophilia offences (apologies if I have that wrong but is implied from your thread). But then if your ex was as volatile as you say then I can't imagine social services wouldn't have acted on the police report and done some digging.

Did you mean to say in your second post that you are your DD's "favourite" parent?
That seems really odd to me, please don't make her value one above the other.

My DD would always run to me whenever my ex had a crazy spell and we would hide together. I would have my phone and would film my ex if she came close. My ex would get frustrated she couldn't scream at us without being caught on camera so would go and smash stuff in the other room.
DD quickly learned the phrases "mummy smash stuff" and "mummy crazy" and very soon after that she learned NEVER TO SAY THOSE THINGS TO HER MUM, at least not without me between her and her mum.
So yes, I was her favourite parent. And now I'm not there.

Police always set bail conditions with domestic violence accusations. Don't contact or dwell around the area etc.
Social services told me that DD has had specialist interview with paediatrician and child psychologist and they have no further concerns about me, but they can't force my ex to allow contact. They have serious concerns about ex's mental health and will have someone staying with them over Easter (6 hours a day). But not enough worry to take DD from her.
Basically they told me to get a lawyer and not to expect my ex to allow any contact anytime soon or possibly ever. I will have to go to court I think...

Having reported my exH for various DV offences they didn't even talk to him in the end as said they couldn't be sure of a conviction. The police must be pretty sure of a conviction to arrest you and then set bail. And social services are so concerned about your dd but have left her with her mum?

Not sure what country you're in but in UK they arrest and set bail to prevent any future breaches of the peace while they investigate. I'm your case they probably would have set conditions preventing exH from returning to family home or contacting you, which they do for all DV situations.
SS said they were concerned about ex's mental health but not enough about her care of DD to take her from her.
Ex always had trouble keeping herself together for long periods, but I was always there to pick up the slack when she refused to leave bed or the house, or when she had one of her rages.
I'm kinda pleased ex is showing her true face to SS but I am so worried about what happens if she snaps at DD while SS isn't there.

I'm in the UK. I think you must be massively downplaying whatever you've been charged with.

You need to download a c100 child arrangements order form and find a mediator in your area. Arrange an appointment with the mediator who will then contact the ex to see if she will agree to attend.
If she doesn't attend the mediator will sign your c100 form and you can then submit it to court for an initial hearing. The mediation will cost c£100 per appointment and the court application is c£300.
Once you have an initial hearing it's likely that social services will be ordered to do a section 7 or section 37 report which will inform the judge's decision.

Thanks wheresmyvagina. That is very helpful.
I doubt ex will attend a mediation as SS told me she's having major anxiety issues, it sounds like she's having her usual breakdown. SS will call me after Easter and next week I'll proceed with the c100 form and mediation.
Any tips on how I can avoid paying for more than one session? I should get my ideas put into writing so it's clear exactly what I want from mediation? Any other advice would be helpful.

It's £215 for a court order application here. If you are on a low income you can get the fee waived if you meet the criteria. You can also get legal aid in dv cases so try to find a solicitor who does LA work and get in touch with them.

Any tips on how I can avoid paying for more than one session?

Mediation is meant to make court unnecessary. So if you are a couple who can manage mediation and come to some agreement then you can usually do that between 2-3 sessions with court not being necessary.
However if it's a situation that you describe where the respondent parent is not willing or able to attend mediation (either because they don't want to, have MH issues or because the applicant is in fact abusive) then you can apply to court after one mediation appointment if the mediator agrees that you can't achieve agreement without it.
Either way you'll be paying about £300.

Mediation is not suitable in cases of DV or abuse though so it would merely be a box ticking exercise.

Yep but the government in their wisdom have stipulated that the box has to be ticked

Actually that's misleading. There is a supplementary form you can fill in to bypass mediation but you need certain types of evidence of domestic abuse.