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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have switched off to my DH, overnight.

50 replies

Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:03

I'll try and keep this short, although some background will be needed.

Out of nowhere, my DH yesterday, was moaning about the fact that some 7+ years ago, I apparently spilled red wine on his laptop and didn't pay to fix it. I have no recollection of this, it was so long ago. He then mentioned a few other things I had done wrong, years ago, and finished his monologue, with the sentence "I know that I am a different person to you, at least I'd like to think so".

I absolutely saw red. The important backdrop here being that :

  • When I met him, I was solvent, with a lovely home, and he was in debt to the tune of £18k, with debt collectors on his tail. This didn't come to light for 6+ months, and when it did, I helped him to negotiate with all of his creditors and get him back in the black. He lived with me rent free for all that time, which is how he did this.

  • When he needed £3k for a car, I gave it to him.

  • When he was broke again a few years later, I gave him £500.

  • When I took VR from my old job, I got about £30k redundancy, and I used £10k of this to repay our joint debts amassed at that time for our wedding.

For many years now, he has been on his feet and paying equally for everything, and we have a good life.

But, a few times recently he has made a "jokey" reference to me being with him for his (at some point) inheritance. He is due to receive, at least £500k.

I do not find this funny, given all of our history of me contributing more than him in this relationship. I feel that if he inherited tomorrow, the least he could do would be to treat me to a holiday to say thanks (but I've never once told him that), and to be fair, he is a spender, and he would!! But I'd never ask for it!!

On top of this, our sex life is crap. It's always me wanting sex, and him not that fussed (although when we do, he is amazing).

I'm rambling. After this latest convo with him, I feel like every switch in my body for him has turned off. Normally I'm gagging for sex, and yet if he came near me tonight, I couldn't do it.

We have had plenty of rows before, and I haven't felt like this.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:06

Oh, and I should add....I left my first husband because he kept cheating, and he was a very high earner...I left our beautiful family home and committed financial suicide by leaving, because I felt that marriage should be about love and not money....which makes this even more galling.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 16/04/2019 21:11

I think you need to tell him all this. This is a boil that needs lancing now before it causes real damage to your relationship.

Original poster
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:14

Yep, I have indeed told him this. We had a big chat earlier and he said all the right things. I just feel totally turned off. Never felt like this before, we always bounce back from arguments. Not this time (for me)

OP posts:
NW2SW · 16/04/2019 21:15

What spurred on the initial monologue? Is this a regular thing? I imagine it's a horrible thing to have to endure.

awakeinthenight · 16/04/2019 21:20

Feeling the same as you OP. Got back from 14 hour stressful day. Made his dinner and he's got a face like a slapped arse. His business pays nothing toward our future. My income and what I've amassed myself before we were together gives us a 'financial' future. Glad I'm of some use

Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 21:24

That kind of criticism from him seems nasty and unfair, to the point that I would be concerned that he may be considering ending the relationship.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/04/2019 21:25

To me it sounds as though he is looking for a way out so he doesn't have to split his inheritance with you.

Loopytiles · 16/04/2019 21:25

“"I know that I am a different person to you, at least I'd like to think so" in particular seems really nasty.

Pugworld · 16/04/2019 21:27

I was in two minds whether or not to post this and I'm not saying your DH is up to anything, but this rang massive alarm bells with me.

My exH started bringing up every minute incident that had irritated him during our marriage immediately before abruptly leaving me for another woman. It was his way of convincing himself and his fan club that I deserved to be treated so appallingly.

looondonn · 16/04/2019 21:28

He is an abuser

I would leave him for this
How dare he speak to you this way

Original poster
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:30

Sorry awakeinthenight that sounds awful.

He isn't looking to end things. He could walk at any time. Swears he loves me to bits, bla bla.

Inheritance in law gets kept by the benefactor, so being married doesn't entitle me to any of it. In any case it would be a long bloody wait! I've been with him 11 years, and it'll be another 20 years till he gets it!

Had I stayed with my wealthy Ex, I'd have that sum right now. The point is, I walked away from money, because it isn't what drives me (being in love is more important).

I just feel so insulted. My integrity feels insulted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:33

In the space of 24 hours, I feel like I wouldn't care if it was over. How dare he? I am the most generous, nicest person, honestly, I really am.

I got him out of all that debt, and he jokes about me being after his Dad's money. I am just aghast, tbh.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 16/04/2019 21:33

I think his last sentence is really horrible - it sounds as if it's deliberately hurtful, but perhaps it wasn't meant that way.
Its almost as if he is rejecting you as a person with those words..

RedDogsBeg · 16/04/2019 21:34

It sounds like your dh has pushed you too far this time and you've lost respect for him, don't believe he is sincere when saying all the right things which has inevitably killed your desire for him. Do you feel indifferent towards him or angry? If indifferent I doubt you will be able to regain what you once had.

RedDogsBeg · 16/04/2019 21:44

I walked away from money, because it isn't what drives me (being in love is more important).

It sounds as if it is more important to your husband, he disregards and dismisses the help you gave him, probably felt entitled to it, but is making sure you know that any inheritance is his and you must be suitably grateful if he deigns to share with you or spend any of it on you. He is laying down the rules that you will have no say or input into what happens to it, it is for him and him alone, if you do happen to get any benefit from it in any way at all you will be constantly reminded that it was his money that achieved this.

Thatnovembernight · 16/04/2019 21:45

I’d also feel insulted. The amount you’ve done for him! Ungrateful doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Original poster
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:56

I have never felt to repulsed, tbh. I have always almost worshipped him. It is like the strawer (straw?) that broke the camels back, I think. If I didn't have to work, I'd ask my mum if she fancied a week abroad, just to clear my head.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/04/2019 22:01

Sounds like he's told you what he's about, how his mind works and that he's used the fuck out of you.

You've lost respect for him. You should tell him this or it'll fester.

Original poster
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 22:06

I have nothing else to say to him, I feel lost and empty. In our whole 11 years together, I have never felt like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 22:08

I have to wonder, why do men push women to their limits? I've been such a good wife, but he's pushed it far too far now. As did my Ex.

OP posts:
looondonn · 16/04/2019 22:12

Yes

Leave

This is awful
Like throwing generous deeds back in your face
Sounds like
A - he took advantage and
B - he was lucky to have you in the first place

Sad to hear this but maybe you now see the real value he has for you

anotherfail · 16/04/2019 22:17

Aww winelady I'm sorry he's hurt you. You genuinely sound caring and thoughtful and supportive.

Sadly, I think you may have just had your 'when did you know it was over?' moment.

For what it's worth, I agree, it's very sad they don't realise the damage they do until it's too late.

LaughingCow99 · 16/04/2019 22:20

Gosh, how utterly horrible and crass. I'm not surprised you are reeling..

I think the next few weeks will be very telling. You may be able to push this aside or you may find a seed of you t hS been planted and remains.

Do you think on some level he feels less of a man because your ex was wealthy and you would have had a more lavish life with him. I mean, throwing the money in your face may make him feel like the big man , irrespective of how long it will take to get it.

This is about his issues and I securities, I think.

LaughingCow99 · 16/04/2019 22:22

Seed of doubt*

CoisNaFarraige · 16/04/2019 22:29

I can see how that is galling!
You walked away from financial comfort. You have earned your stripes but he is blind to that!

You have not only proved that you feel a marriage shouldn't be about taking but you've proved that you can give.

Actually that's it in a nutshell. You're a giver and he's a taker and yet his script is still that he needs to be careful!!??