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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have switched off to my DH, overnight.

50 replies

Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:03

I'll try and keep this short, although some background will be needed.

Out of nowhere, my DH yesterday, was moaning about the fact that some 7+ years ago, I apparently spilled red wine on his laptop and didn't pay to fix it. I have no recollection of this, it was so long ago. He then mentioned a few other things I had done wrong, years ago, and finished his monologue, with the sentence "I know that I am a different person to you, at least I'd like to think so".

I absolutely saw red. The important backdrop here being that :

When I met him, I was solvent, with a lovely home, and he was in debt to the tune of £18k, with debt collectors on his tail. This didn't come to light for 6+ months, and when it did, I helped him to negotiate with all of his creditors and get him back in the black. He lived with me rent free for all that time, which is how he did this.
When he needed £3k for a car, I gave it to him.
When he was broke again a few years later, I gave him £500.
When I took VR from my old job, I got about £30k redundancy, and I used £10k of this to repay our joint debts amassed at that time for our wedding.

For many years now, he has been on his feet and paying equally for everything, and we have a good life.

But, a few times recently he has made a "jokey" reference to me being with him for his (at some point) inheritance. He is due to receive, at least £500k.

I do not find this funny, given all of our history of me contributing more than him in this relationship. I feel that if he inherited tomorrow, the least he could do would be to treat me to a holiday to say thanks (but I've never once told him that), and to be fair, he is a spender, and he would!! But I'd never ask for it!!

On top of this, our sex life is crap. It's always me wanting sex, and him not that fussed (although when we do, he is amazing).

I'm rambling. After this latest convo with him, I feel like every switch in my body for him has turned off. Normally I'm gagging for sex, and yet if he came near me tonight, I couldn't do it.

We have had plenty of rows before, and I haven't felt like this.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 16/04/2019 22:33

He has certainly proved he is different to you and different to what you thought he was, he's opened your eyes and not in any way favourable to him, the law of unintended consequences - silly, silly man.

CoisNaFarraige · 16/04/2019 22:35

''I just feel so insulted. My integrity feels insulted.''

I reckon deep down he's in awe of your integrity. He certainly isn't you. He meant that comment about not being the same person as you at least he'd like to think as some sort of ego inflation but he doesn't sound worthy of you and he knows it

RedDogsBeg · 16/04/2019 22:37

I don't think there is any way back from this, OP, not with the feelings you are experiencing now you will never be able to just forget and move on. He has broken the foundations of your whole relationship.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/04/2019 22:39

Where was his dad's money when he was in debt?
It's like he's begrudging you getting anything, ever.

Men who plan to leave will say all the right things until they are all set up to go.

MamaDane · 16/04/2019 22:42

I think the two of you may benefit from some couple's counselling. I don't think you should do anything rash like ending it, as what you're experiencing/feeling may be resolved.
Contact a therapist asap and work it out.

Craftycorvid · 16/04/2019 22:49

What MamaDane says, if you can both agree to it. Money is one of those things that can be a symbol in a relationship - and money seems to be caught up with desire (or lack of) and who holds power in your relationship.

Yabbers · 16/04/2019 22:54

Have you told him that?

If DH said this it would be in jest. If he kept saying it, I’d remind him how many times he’s had to dip into my bank in the past and that would stop him.

MitziK · 17/04/2019 00:45

I've put up with all kinds of shit from exes, stuff that people with higher standards greater feelings of self worth would have kicked their partners into touch for.

But, with every single one, there has been a moment where everything changed, like a switch flicking off. And then I was done, nothing could change my mind and that was that. It didn't have to be a big thing, sometimes there was absolutely nothing different - but in an instant, everything had changed and I just didn't care anymore.

It's not weird, it's just how it happens for some people.

ChristmasFluff · 17/04/2019 07:58

I wish I could find this online, but I can't. I once read that relationship love is like an opaque container of water with a tap at the bottom. You can keep on drinking from it, but unless it is being refilled (by the loving things people do for their partner every day), one day it will run out. And you will never know how close that day is, because the last drop will taste as refreshing as the first. Then one day you turn on the tap and nothing comes out. It's over.

He wasn't refilling your container, and you've drunk all the water.

Karwomannghia · 17/04/2019 08:06

Had he been drinking? What prompted his little outburst?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 17/04/2019 08:38

He sounds incredibly selfish, entitled and self absorbed.

He’s happy to let you bail him out, pay off his debts and live rent free for a period of time. But then holds against you anything he can think of, such as paying for a laptop etc. That’s a very VERY entitled point of view, and I think you’d struggle to get him to understand how out of order he is. I’m sure you are not expecting him to be eternally grateful for your support over the yesrs, you’d just like his support in a similar way. It’s not much to ask OP

AlpacaPicnicc · 17/04/2019 08:49

Are you the Range Rover poster?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2019 08:50

Do you have DC together?
Unfortunately once these feelings go, it's very hard to get them back.
What did he say when you laid all this out to him?
You might need some counselling together.
But from what you've stated here, I think it's over from your side.

Insertinspirationalquotehere · 17/04/2019 08:53

You're like me OP. You'll put up with a lot, but once the switch flicks, that's it. It doesn't have to be any one huge event for it to flick, but when it goes, it goes. Like a steel shutter coming down. There's no coming back from it

Mapofthesoul · 17/04/2019 08:55

This inheritance he’s not going to get for 20 years? Is this a regular when his father dies the house will be left to your dh? If so why is this being talked about now as if you are both depending on it?

Daffodil2018 · 17/04/2019 08:57

When you say he said “I’m a different person to you”, I initially read that as “I’m a different person towards you” as in him saying HE had changed. Is there any chance that’s what he meant?

Singlenotsingle · 17/04/2019 09:01

His df may need to go into a care home, and the house sold to pay for it
His df might leave the house to a cat's home
Your dh sounds very money orientated, but he's relying on something that may never happen.

Orangeballon · 17/04/2019 09:08

What you have to bear in mind is that most men are entirely self centred. Just pause to think that over and move on to better things with or without him.

Headorheart22 · 17/04/2019 09:11

I just wanted to say that I can very much relate to your post and am currently in a similar position to yourself. I think that PP are right, once the switch has gone it is very difficult to work back from this.

What do you feel that you want to do?

ButterflyBitch · 17/04/2019 09:11

Through my teens I had a best friend. We did everything together. As we got older she started putting me down. She was a larger woman which I’d never commented on or anything because she was my friend and I loved her. But she had self esteem issues and she’d put me down and I’d say you have to stop.
Anyway one evening in the pub she was being shitty and I said to her what is your problem?
She said ‘you called me fat’
That was it I was done. Anyone who knows me knows I’d never say that to anyone or about anyone. I walked out and haven’t seen or spoken to her since. That was over 15 years ago.
There’s a limit and sounds like you’ve reached it.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 17/04/2019 09:39

I too recognise the empty, lost feeling you described. I knew there and then it was over. Start getting your ducks in a row, op, he is most certainly not worthy of you. Send him on his way and let him take care of his own shit.

PicsInRed · 17/04/2019 09:53

He's projecting his own inner workings and outward behaviour onto you, to reconcile his real self with his need to feel that he's really a good guy (which he's objectively not).

He's making you his scapegoat, he will pile all his nastiness and self hatred onto you until you collapse beneath the weight of HIS burden.

This won't get better, the burden will only get heavier. You need to drop his burden - and leave.

Original poster

Wineladyloveschardonnay · 17/04/2019 10:30

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought. I've gone from feeling cross to feeling numb and sad.

We were meant to tidy the house together today, do the food shop and make a big meal, ahead of visitors coming. Despite him knowing he is in the bad books, he's taken an extra shift at work, meaning he's out from 7.30am till 4.30pm, leaving most of the work to me. Sigh.

The person who said he knows he doesn't have my integrity - you're right, and he said as much when we talked. He knows he's fucked up and he has said sorry many times.

His Dad had no idea he was in debt : he hid it from everyone.

I have kids from a previous marriage, but they are adults now and live away from home.

I just read the thread about the DH who blamed his wife for being raped, and feel like I'm moaning about nothing. My DH does love me, and he would kill a man who hurt me, that's for sure. And regards the money, he does pay his half for everything now.

I dunno. We have a busy weekend, so maybe that's a good way of just getting a breather from thinking about this.

We haven't had any sex for 3 weeks now, which really isn't helping my feelings of "Meh".

Right, I had better start the housework.

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 17/04/2019 11:17

Despite him knowing he is in the bad books, he's taken an extra shift at work, meaning he's out from 7.30am till 4.30pm, leaving most of the work to me.

Avoidance tactic, stay out of the way hoping you'll forget about it plus the busy weekend so no time for you to think or mull it over and then he's hoping by the end of all that you will just go back to how you were.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 17/04/2019 11:25

Have you ever noticed him saying these things just before you have things arranged?. He may subconsciously (I like to think they don’t actually plan this), but created this situation and say these things because he knows he can take an extra shift and the weekend with guests will mean you’ll have to forgive and forget it?

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