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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD is not sure she wants to stay with her bf, does she let him go?

36 replies

deofficiis · 16/04/2019 18:41

So DD has some doubts about whether she can see herself staying with her bf. I am glad she feels comfortable enough to discuss this with her mum, but I don't know what to advise!

He's such a lovely lad, and has a bright future ahead as a doctor. His family have been so welcoming to her, and they do get along very well.

However she says that he gets so horribly moody, and once he's had a drink so mean and bitchy over nothing. It's as if he's always looking for a fight, and this really upsets DD.

So she now has doubts whether she should just let him go and it would be hard for the both of them but would allow them to find someone better suited. Or ought she just keep it going and hedge her bets.

She described him as her first love Blush. She is only 21 so no rush!

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 16/04/2019 18:46

If he gets moody and nasty after a drink he is not lovely. She should ditch him, as her parent I’d advise her to raise her bar of acceptable behaviour.

He sounds an immature dick.

HopeOverAnythingElse · 16/04/2019 18:56

Keep going and hedge her bets? At 21??

Fuck no. Dump him and find someone who doesn't bitch at her because he's had a drink and let's his truth out.

DramaSchoolMums · 16/04/2019 18:59

Blimey OP, I'm not sure why you don't feel able to advise! He gets nasty after having a drink- she needs to leave him! And I agree with above poster- your DD needs to learn about healthy self respect and boundaries from her Mum. You've got her best interests at heart but putting the fact he might become a doctor above this behaviour is not a good idea in my opinion.

kbPOW · 16/04/2019 19:00

It sounds like you have had your head turned by him OP. Listen to your daughter. She's telling you he treats her badly and is a crap bf. Tell her she deserves much better.

BlokeHereInPeace · 16/04/2019 19:04

Sounds like you like the idea of having a doctor as a son in law! Why on earth would you even think she should settle for this dickhead.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 16/04/2019 19:04

Are you the same op who’s as wanting her to break up with her bf who was training to be a doctor?

Ikeameatballs · 16/04/2019 19:04

Get rid! He’s awful!

Softleftpowerstance · 16/04/2019 19:06

I’ll be honest: I clicked on this to tell you to butt out but having read your op I’m baffled as to how you don’t know what to advise. Clearly she should get rid. It sounds like she knows that and I hope she doesn’t feel she has to ask you for permission.

Don’t worry OP, I’m sure she’ll be able to pull another bloke with prospects if this doctor slips out of your grasp. Hmm

ShinyRuby · 16/04/2019 19:06

Nasty after having a drink & often moody? I'd want my dd to end it tbh. Bright future or not it could be a miserable future for her. Give her some frank advice & let her make her own mind up. She sounds pretty sensible.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 16/04/2019 19:11

I had a boyfriend like this. Lovely chap; vile drunk. I really hope his wife doesn't get that side of him now we're much older. Tell your DD to ditch Dr Wanky. Life is too short for that shit and she is young!

HollowTalk · 16/04/2019 19:14

I think she's showing really good judgement. I think she should end it and tell him why - in writing, so that he can't misinterpret what she says. He needs to learn a lesson about that. She's 21, a lovely time to be free and single. No need to be with a moody guy at all.

Travelban · 16/04/2019 19:19

A doctor as a great prospect? I didn't think people thought like this anymore. He sounds vile. Please support your dd to get rid ASAP.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/04/2019 19:20

She’s not asking your opinion, she’s looking for your permission. You’ve clearly led her to believe he’s a ‘good catch’ and also that she should ‘hedge her bets’. It’s sad, not lovely.

TulipFever · 16/04/2019 19:26

Didn’t you post about this before? No one of any age should need to put up with an aggressive partner. What he does for a living, and how nice his family are is irrelevant.

PinkiOcelot · 16/04/2019 19:34

Yes she should. She’s 21 (even if she were older I’d say the same!!). She’s got her whole life ahead of her.

Fromage · 16/04/2019 19:35

Exactly what @IncrediblySadToo said.

She wants you to tell her it's ok to make this decision, and it's ok to make such decisions at any time for ANY reason. Not being happy is enough of a reason to leave someone, let alone getting mean when he's drunk. He might have physically hurt her, but she feels she can't say. She could be building up to more. Or it's just a few incidents but intuition tells her this isn't right. She knows his behaviour will only get worse.

A bright future as a doctor means nothing, really, when you think about it. You would, of course, rather she were with someone kind and lovely who adores her, no matter what his job.

HopeOverAnythingElse · 16/04/2019 20:48

Please show her this thread so she knows she never has to stay with anyone who she has doubts about.

HappyLife21 · 16/04/2019 21:03

She’s looking for your permission because she senses that you will be disappointed she’s let a potential doctor go.

AlwaysCheddar · 16/04/2019 21:07

Put your daughter first! He’s sounds like he. An be vile. Tell her to aim for the stars and find true love.

mypieter · 16/04/2019 22:51

unpopular opinion but she should hedge her bets for a while. If it is a phase and it passes then she has hopefully bagged herself a fairly high earner. If she wants to be a kept woman this a good option. She should keep her eyes out for some other men just incase though

Reallyevilmuffin · 16/04/2019 22:55

If he gets nasty after a drink he might not make it to being a doctor...

Branleuse · 16/04/2019 23:04

I think shes telling you what hes really like at home, and you should tell her that she is worth more than that.

PlatypusLeague · 16/04/2019 23:07

gets so horribly moody, and once he's had a drink so mean and bitchy over nothing. It's as if he's always looking for a fight, and this really upsets DD.

So he isn't "such a lovely lad" really. And training to be a doctor isn't particularly relevant. There are lovely potential matches for your DD in the future; doesn't she deserve to find them?

LellyMcKelly · 17/04/2019 00:35

Doctors are bloody awful prospects. Their hours are horrendous, their shifts are all over the place and the burden of responsibility is huge, at least in the early years. The traits he’s displaying now are only going to be amplified once he’s in a high pressure environment. If she’s thinking of ditching him I’d be encouraging now.

differentnameforthis · 17/04/2019 00:54

OK, the drink doesn't make him mean and bitchy, he IS mean and bitchy! The alcohol makes it easier for the mask to slip.

It's as if he's always looking for a fight, and this really upsets DD. Potential abuser. What happens when her looks for a fight with her

He is showing her who he is. She should listen.
I would suggest she run. Fast.