Please help me reply to this message from my mum

[peoplepleaser1]

My mum and I have a difficult relationship. She was unkind to me as a child, and still is. Recently with the help of a therapist I've begun to learn how to cope, to stand up to her, to not let her bully me.

A bit of background:

I recently lost my job after we had to put our family business into liquidation after 43 years of trading (I'd been there 15 years). Business was on dad's side, nothing to do with mum. It was horrible, making fabulous employees redundant and sorting everything out (mostly by myself).

I've started a new business (dog walking). I decided to try to do something I'd enjoy and that would allow me to be the parent I want to be to 12 yo DS. I can see him off to school most days, am home soon after school ends etc etc. Am close to home. I've got myself trained up, insured, and have a few great customers already.

Mum doesn't approve. Thinks it's beneath me somehow (ridiculous) and that I won't earn enough. DH is fully on board and happy for me to give it my best shop whilst accepting it will take a while to build up my customer base.

As a Christmas present she wanted to take me shopping to somewhere 2 hours away. To buy some clothes and have afternoon tea. She wanted to wait until spring / summer to do this. This kind of day could be nice but is also fraught with opportunities for her to batter my self esteem - but I'd have been happy to go for mum's sake.

Today I told her I can't to a week day. One of the main points of my job is that I'm reliable. I do plan to take some holidays, but need to keep days of to a minimum especially to start with.

Mum was clearly annoyed. Expected me to cancel customers as she feels it's too busy on a Saturday. Then she said maybe we leave it to Christmas as by then this silly new job will have failed and I'll have a new one.

That last bit really hurt. It's taken a lot for me to put myself out there and start this new venture. For maybe the first time ever I told mum that was an unkind comment and had upset me.

I wish these comments would bounce off me but I can't seem to make them.

She's now texted me to say: 'sorry to took offence. It was a lighthearted comment". I'd love some help with a reply please.

Sorry for the very long post. I felt that it needed some context.

"As I said, a Saturday or Sunday would be fine, but I can't do a weekday. I love my job, so please keep any other such comments to yourself".

Maybe spend the cash on some therapy on how to be a nicer person dm?
I am nc with my dm for similar reasons op.
It's very liberating being an adult and not being bullied like a dc.

You could ignore it? She knows it was horrible.

Her apology is shit, she’s not sorry.

“Of course I’m offended. Your comments, whilst lighthearted, were rude, cruel and belittling.”

Hm. Either you tell her that the comment hurt, etc., which she'll probably take offence to; or, you do a mind switch, as in your mum is your mum but her bitchy comments are a side of her you're not interested in. I've had to do it with a sister.

As an aside, we'll done on finding a role that makes you happy.

"Anyone would take offence at such a nasty comment. I can't take a weekday off because I'm taking my job seriously even if you aren't. Feel free to take someone else if you can't accommodate me with a weekend trip."

That's not an apology, 'Sorry you took offense' is a cop out.
Of course you took offense it was an offensive comment. I would seriously be evaluating the amount of contact you have with her. If you can't let these bounce off you then you need to protect yourself.

I think churches message is good and makes it clear that you don't want any more comments about your job. But to be honest, would you be that bothered not to go shopping? It doesn't sound like you would enjoy it but its meant to be a present for you. If you don't want to go, you don't have to.

Apology Noted

Thanks(if you're feeling generous)

It was a really crap comment on her part you're allowed to be a bit curt.

Your comment was NOT light-hearted, Mum. I love my job and find it very fulfilling so don't want to hear any more criticisms of it from you. If you can accept that you'll understand I can only be free on Saturdays and Sundays to go out together. Let me know which of those days you can make.

So she’s not sorry for being rude. She’s sorry you “ took offence”.
She’s still trying to make it your fault, isn’t she?
OP, you should be so proud of yourself! Not only are you starting to assert yourself, choosing a job that YOU enjoy, but you are making those first crucial steps in establishing healthy boundaries with your mother. You’re not taking her shit lying down, you’re calling her out on it, putting her on the back foot, making her feel the need to apologise ( however halfheartedly).
Keep the momentum going. Build on this excellent beginning. Don’t let her off with anything you previously accepted.
I think you should write your own reply, so it comes from your heart, and stiffens your resolve, rather than doing a cut and paste of something on here.
Most people with normal mothers stand up to them in adolescence and establish a new healthy relationship as adults at that point. Those of us with abusive parents often have a very delayed response, only tackling them in our twenties, thirties or even later, due to the fear, guilt and sense of obligation they inculcate in us.
I think it’s really positive that you’ve begun the process. More power to your elbow, OP!

Don’t worry, I’m used to your brashness by now. Think it’s best to leave aft tea for a while, our schedules our too conflicted.

Thank you so much everyone for responding. It's a huge relief and a boost that other people understand and don't think I'm being petty.

She sounds like an arse op, you sound fab! I’d love to have the balls to start a dog walking business. Nothing you ever do will be right

Do not respond to her message, she wants a response and to such people as well that is the reward. She saying it was a lighthearted comment was an out and out lie and another version also of a non apology. Such people really do not ever apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Would you have tolerated that from a friend, no you would not. Your mother is no different.

Maintaining any sort of relationship with her is pointless and is without any upside for you. She has not fundamentally changed since your own childhood. She was a crap parent to you and also is a crap example of a grandparent to your child.

Do read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. Read more too about fear, obligation and guilt.

Her comments about your 'silly' job is completely and utterly out of order she deserves to be told to 'fuck off you evil bitch'
But you are better than that and you can deal with this in an adult way, your mother is not behaving like an adult
I have a parent a bit like that I haven't spoken to said parent now for over 10 years, I know how hard it is to stand up to this sort of thing, I know how triggering this sort of parent can be

She was unkind to you as a child and still is. Is she unkind about most things or just expects you to be a certain way? Is she ever proud and happy for you?

If she isn't, then she's toxic, a narcissist and nothing you can say or do will ever be good enough. I'd engage as little as possible because that's what they want.

If she's just set in her ways and think you should follow a certain path then she's controlling and needs to be put in her place firmly.

You said that you sorted out a lot of stuff to do with winding up the business, you clearly know how to behave in a professional calm organised manner you can deal with difficult situations, you can deal with your mother.
the problem with parents is that they just open their mouths or say a certain thing and you are immediately triggered back to the mindset of a small child at the mercy of your parent
I don't know if a role-play will help or just going over things in your head practicing what you could say, how she will respond what things mean etc, or alternatively just writing things down and exploring how certain things make you feel.

Be professional with her, treat her as if she is a difficult customer or a difficult employee

You don't need your mother's approval it is irrelevant, she's batshit so her opinion is worthless

she constantly pushes you into feeling like an inferior and vulnerable child, she does this because it makes her feel Powerful
she doesn't want you to feel like an adult, she wants to always feel as if she is above you and that you are beholden to her

I've got Rhino thick skin but when it comes to your parent writing off something you're doing for yourself as a failure before you've started so casually I would have dropped a tear.
You are absolutely right to be hurt

You're a total bitch and a crap mum!!
Sorry if you take offence at my lighthearted comment, mother!

Maybe in your dreams, eh OP?!

Good luck with your new business. Sounds fab to me!

What do you want from your reply?

To end the conversation?
Make it clear it was hurtful?
Make it clear she is not to belittle your job again?
All of the above?

From your answer, that will help you/us come up with a good reply you are happy with.

“Yes, mum, it’s always lighthearted to tell someone you think their business will fail. Silly me.”

"Such a shame you were so offensive. Still, parr for the course, really, isn't it?"

Thanks again for all the support.

In answer to @Aussiebean's question above I think the main thing I'd like to achieve in a reply is to Make it clear it was hurtful.