Please help me reply to this message from my mum

[peoplepleaser1]

My mum and I have a difficult relationship. She was unkind to me as a child, and still is. Recently with the help of a therapist I've begun to learn how to cope, to stand up to her, to not let her bully me.

A bit of background:

I recently lost my job after we had to put our family business into liquidation after 43 years of trading (I'd been there 15 years). Business was on dad's side, nothing to do with mum. It was horrible, making fabulous employees redundant and sorting everything out (mostly by myself).

I've started a new business (dog walking). I decided to try to do something I'd enjoy and that would allow me to be the parent I want to be to 12 yo DS. I can see him off to school most days, am home soon after school ends etc etc. Am close to home. I've got myself trained up, insured, and have a few great customers already.

Mum doesn't approve. Thinks it's beneath me somehow (ridiculous) and that I won't earn enough. DH is fully on board and happy for me to give it my best shop whilst accepting it will take a while to build up my customer base.

As a Christmas present she wanted to take me shopping to somewhere 2 hours away. To buy some clothes and have afternoon tea. She wanted to wait until spring / summer to do this. This kind of day could be nice but is also fraught with opportunities for her to batter my self esteem - but I'd have been happy to go for mum's sake.

Today I told her I can't to a week day. One of the main points of my job is that I'm reliable. I do plan to take some holidays, but need to keep days of to a minimum especially to start with.

Mum was clearly annoyed. Expected me to cancel customers as she feels it's too busy on a Saturday. Then she said maybe we leave it to Christmas as by then this silly new job will have failed and I'll have a new one.

That last bit really hurt. It's taken a lot for me to put myself out there and start this new venture. For maybe the first time ever I told mum that was an unkind comment and had upset me.

I wish these comments would bounce off me but I can't seem to make them.

She's now texted me to say: 'sorry to took offence. It was a lighthearted comment". I'd love some help with a reply please.

Sorry for the very long post. I felt that it needed some context.

You could just stick to the facts 'what you said was hurtful and dismissive' don't even engage with any 'but I was only joking' comments

‘Belittling someone is never ‘lighthearted’. It is bullying. And passing it off as a joke is just another way to hurt the person. (Could add ‘and cowardly’)

I neither want nor desire your approval, so keep your opinions to yourself. If you can’t then I will be stepping back from talking to you.’

You could leave the last bit out if you aren’t ready to go that far.

Sorry - need or desire you approval

I fear OP that your Mum is unlikely to ever agree it was hurtful but personally I'd be saying something like....

"after the difficult year I've had I'm afraid I don't find anything lighthearted in you clearly expecting this business to also fail. It is actually deeply unpleasant of you. My business is doing well & hence I'm too business to take time off at the present during the week. Christmas joy rather tinged now so we'll say no more about the planned trip."

P.s for me the key is talking about her actions not your reactions. You said something bitchy... not I am upset. Even if you were at a place where you could laugh it off it doesn't stop her intention which you know was not to be funny ha ha.

My reply would be: It wasn’t light hearted - it was rude. For future reference any put downs about any aspect of my life will cause offence. Put downs aren’t funny.

Having gone through an incredibly diffixult time i now have a job i love that allows me to balance my parenting responsibilities and spent time with ds. While you may not agree, you have no right to call it a silly job, nor tell me you expect it to fail. I find those comments deeply hurtful/unkind, and i resent the fact you would think it was lighthearted to say them. I take it very seriously and am actually very happy with my choices. Due to the commitments i have set myself since christmas im only available on sat and suns.

As an aside OP, DPs seem to think when you 'work from home' you are anyones game, so you are right to set firm boundaries from the start.

Well done for standing up to her OP.

Curious to know what you send

'It wasn't meant as a lighthearted comment, it was meant to be condescending and belittling. Unfortunately that's what you do and I'm not prepared to tolerate it any more. Please don't bother apologising in future unless you are actually sorry for your behaviour.'

"'Lightheartedly' belittling my job doesn't make you funny, it just makes you a cunt. I don't want to see or hear from you again. Goodbye."

I really don't advise this but my god, it would be cathartic wouldn't it? Well done on your new venture, I hope it (and am sure it will) goes well.

Oh my mother sounds like yours. She will push me with those nasty comments till I say 'Look, fuck it mum, I'm not listening to this.' Then she'll tell me I'm being pathetic and touchy etc.

Just talk to her less. Mine behaves better when she sees me less frequently.

It's not just that you have no polite social filters when you say things
Or
That you don't support me.. still.. after all this time
Or
That you either don't realise, or care, that I have feelings
Or
That you have so little faith in my abilities
Or
that you assume I am so unprofessional that I would dump my clients in favour of a cup of tea and a cake
It's....
Oh no ! Hang on I've forgotten why it was I am offended...silly me
Any ideas?

She sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry for you.

I'd just tell her building up your new business is your priority and you won't be available to go away for some time as a result.

"It's taken a lot for me to put myself out there and start this new venture."

That made my heart hurt for you - maybe it will work on your mother. She has the problem not you - good luck with your business xx

I think I'd actually take back the offer. Tell her until she learns to respect you, then she can live without you

I have no tolerance at all for people like your mother who think they can say whatever they like and get away with it.

You could always tell her you need the job to pay for a therapist to undo the painful legacy you carry as a result of her dubious parenting.

If she can be honest, so can you

My reply would be: Let’s not bother rearranging. Your comments were hurtful and actually quite spiteful. I am not going to spend time with someone who treats me like this.

Then I’d block. Good God! This woman has left you needing therapy why on earth would you want to keep her in your life?

Do you actually want anything from her? If not, just say 'Let's just forget the shopping trip.'

Start to distance yourself.

'It wasn't meant as a lighthearted comment, it was meant to be condescending and belittling. Unfortunately that's what you do and I'm not prepared to tolerate it any more. Please don't bother apologising in future unless you are actually sorry for your behaviour.'

Perfect!

Just as an aside but I think your job is really important! You're caring for part of peoples family! It's a massive responsibility.