Does anyone who is long separated/divorced/split ever mull over stuff and wonder why you didn’t see the signs or leave sooner?

[Whodafeck]

As title. Not all the time or anything, but occasionally, do you ever wonder why you didn’t see the red flags sooner? Or mull over stuff and realise you tried far too hard and we’re never going to be able to fix stuff?

There’s a thread on here just sounds so like how my ex was, and I’m mulling what I could have done and the answer is nothing.

I don’t usually mull like this, and I’m a bit unsettled with it being in my head.

Me. Mine turned out to be gay. Nobody was surprised except me. In retrospect he was almost a cliché. He’s even just bought tickets to see Cher! Now when we meet I look at him and think to myself, “How could I not have have known? How?”

I look back and realise I wasn't in a good place in my life when I met him. Low self esteem, was grateful for the attention.. just couldn't see the red flags .. I really did "settle" .
He couldn't believe his luck.
Divorced almost 3 years now , I'm much stronger, and I know if I met him now I wouldn't look twice at him never mind anything else.
Hindsight is wonderful ...

Thank goodness it’s not just me! I don’t mean I’m thinking about it all the time, but just this particular thread has made me realise that someone else is in exactly the same position as I was and trying to do the same as I did, and I can see reading the thread that the other party is not going to be capable of changing and they’re going to be stuck in the same way as I was and it just kind of made me realise that I couldn’t have done anything with the benefit of hindsight.

But then I suppose hindsight is always 2020.

💐 for you and thanks.

Stuckonaname 💐 for you too.

In my case, he destroyed my self-esteem and many years later I’m much much stronger person I wouldn’t even look twice at him if I met him in a bar.

I feel a bit cross with myself actually thinking that I should’ve seen it sooner

Like stuckonaname I had zero self-esteem, so aimed low. It just took me time to build up my self esteem and admit what a mistake it was. Apart from my lovely DC of course, they were the good things to come out of it.

I should never have married him in reality. We were not suited at all.

Us either Gara. Me and him I mean.

💐

I sort of enjoyed the process of dissecting what happened and my role in it all

I’m 9 years on now and through the process of understanding how I fell for it, put up with it, ignored it, remained blindly optimistic, I have learned a lot. I’ve forgiven myself and am confident it won’t happen again in my lifetime. I’m very much living out “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Personally I think it’s really healthy to mull over it, especially looking at your role in all of this. It gives you agency back to your life.

Thanks moon. I think that’s where I am - I’ve learnt from it and I won’t make the same mistakes again.

I suppose it just shocked me (don’t know? Shocked? Pulled me up?) to see someone else doing what I did.

I definitely do, my ex and I were completely unsuited. I had severe depression and he just couldn't understand, I just wanted to be happy and he was pushing me to focus on my career and being a general dick. I thought he could do no wrong at the time though.

I think it's good to think about these things though. It means you will see the red flags in the future.

Low self-esteem impacts on lives in do many negative ways. For me, I think it was loneliness and societal pressure to have someone as well.

He was horrible, eventually violent. I did think about him on and off over the first few years. These day it is rare or ever. I just thank my lucky stars I got out alive.

I have a great life now. He still has to live with himself and his demons on a daily basis. God only knows the torment that is. No wonder he did drugs.

Urgh. What was I thinking????!!!????

Thanks Bear.

It’s reassuring to see so many other people do this too!

Laughing - you’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s so rare for me to mull on it now that it’s hit me a bit harder than I expected.

💐 for everyone.

I knew deep down within a couple of weeks of meeting him that he wasn't good enough for me, but as PPs said - low self-esteem combined with a touch of loneliness and a ticking biological clock...

I definitely new before I got married, but that was a mix of well we've got kids, I'd best crack on with it - and he'll be a better person eventually.

I had good reasons for not leaving sooner once the kids were there... but I should've ditched him by Day 14 originally. I wouldn't go near that "type" with someone else's shitty stick these days.

Gah knew. I was going to make a sly dig about him being unable to spell as demonstrated by his latest text to the kids "awsome"... and then I fuck up like that!

😁 it’s the law that as soon as you criticise someone else’s spelling you’ll make a mistake yourself.

Whodafeck I really count my lucky stars I didn't marry or have a child with the creep. I was in a low place when I met him and really felt I needed someone.

Over time I realised the importance of self love. I love myself so much now that I know what I am worthy of and would never settle for someone like him again. It's a wonderful place to be.

So many times I read threads on here of people accepting shit from arseholes. It saddens me because I know of they had self worth they would leave, no matter how scary that may be.

We only get one life. Why waste it on someone that treats you bad and doesn't make you feel good? No way would I do that now.

Glad this thread was posted. So many people have come out the other side and moved away from blame and anger to happiness. I could continue to wallow in what happened but why be bound to a bad past?

Yes I think this is completely normal to mourn over "lost time"

Yes I do a lot. I nearly left him over the dog and should have as it was an indicator of how he would treat the children. When we separated and I told him that, he said, well you knew what I was like.

I am still burning with anger, rage and fury at him... someone told me recently that it's just what I feel for myself for allowing him into my life - but I don't know how to turn it off. :(

All the time, I think it's only human to try and make sense of the past. For most of us it's very messy and confusing.
I was young and idealistic when I met exH and we were together for a long time so there's a lot to mull over.
Spending time on the relationships board probably doesn't help, better to try and distract yourself.

but I don't know how to turn it off

You forgive yourself for making a bad judgement call and learn from it.

What allowed you to accept so little? Was it your past? I know mine was. Work on that so you never allow someone like him into your life again. Doing that has been the best gift ever to myself x

@Whodafeck can I ask if you felt /feel huge amounts of shame that you didn't spot obvious red flags ?

Yep, me too.

I have unintentionally made the same mistake twice: poor boundaries, lack of assertiveness & protecting myself.

But I can't go back in time & change (as much as I fantasise about it! ).

It's just taking more time than I would like to get my ducks lined up so I can leave.

@LaughingCow99 A rough past resulting in me not trusting my own instincts - and being pushed into "being normal" and "getting out there". I'm not interested in a new partner at all - I think perhaps that urge has passed now I've had children and am probably menopausal. So yeh... I'm questioning a lot the advice of those I trusted who at the time were delighted for me that I'd let me barriers down and were so proud of me for making this step. the utter cunts I trust my own judgement these days, I'm rarely wrong. In fact I never was wrong... I'm just a bit odd and I allowed people to try and shape me into what they felt was normal.

I think we’re all guilty of it, I moved mine in as I thought it was a better option than being alone, it genuinely seemed like a good idea at the time.