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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tight as a duck's or not?

56 replies

Annteeta · 15/04/2019 19:24

My partner is retired and I work full-time. I've been seeing him for over 3 years. he lives with his sister 50 miles away although he owns a house 200 miles away. I see him at weekends mostly but sometimes he stays longer. he was ill over Christmas and stayed for 2 months. he's quite well off (he was an engineer in Oil and Gas). I have a modest income and I still have a mortgage. the thing is he's very frugal. he doesn't run a car and spends nothing on himself or me. he contributes towards the food bill (which he eats) but nothing else. he's not paying his sister anything either because he helps her son do various jobs in his own business and around the house. he surprised me about a year ago when he paid for a 2nd hand car for me. I feel that he is now clawing it back though by living at my house for free and not paying for other things e.g. a holiday from last year and a few things I've bought online for him. I chauffeur him round too. I feel like he's throwing me crumbs in relationship terms but he'll use the car purchase as a counter-argument. am I being unfair?

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/04/2019 19:35

Does he always come to you? Have you meet his sister? Seen proof of his great job? Does he put anything he spends on card or is it all cash? Have you meet his friends? What he says AND how he acts does not seem to match up. Double life? Walter mitty?

I'd give him back that car and dump personally.

FuriousVexation · 15/04/2019 19:41

he'll use the car purchase as a counter-argument. am I being unfair?

Has this actually happened yet or is it just your fears about being "ungrateful"?

Original poster

Annteeta · 15/04/2019 19:42

He only spends cash, never card. Yes I've met the sister and family. I've only met 1 friend in the UK. The rest seem to live abroad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annteeta · 15/04/2019 19:44

.... yes he almost always comes to me. He has brought the car up a couple of times.

OP posts:

JustHereForThePooStoriesFella · 15/04/2019 19:51

It’s sounds like a miserable existence.

Does he have good points?

BumbleBeee69 · 15/04/2019 19:54

give him he car back and tell him to ram it.

Boilerbap · 15/04/2019 19:57

What is his reaction when you ask him to contribute? I think you need to ask him to pay up. Then go on his reaction. It doesn't make him tight if his sister doesn't charge him anything. Perhaps on balance she still isnt out of picket. If he refuses or has convinced her he shouldn't pay, however.....

AventaRizon · 15/04/2019 19:59

Would you be able to buy another car and give him that one back?

There is something fishy, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

RandomMess · 15/04/2019 20:00

I have no issue with people being careful, but he's tight and miserly - get rid.

MumsyJ · 15/04/2019 20:01

Tight as a duck's arse, sorry.

gamerchick · 15/04/2019 20:04

Give him the car back and tell him he either starts to pay his way properly or he can stay at home.

I couldn't have a gift held over my head like that.

Arnoldthecat · 15/04/2019 20:05

Hang on a minute, he might just be a guy whos comfortable with himself and has little need for materialism. That doesnt make him mean.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/04/2019 20:09

Hang on a minute, he might just be a guy whos comfortable with himself and has little need for materialism.That doesnt make him mean.

if it's on everyone else coin, then yes it does

Original poster

Annteeta · 15/04/2019 20:43

I think he sees doing jobs for his sister's son as currency. I could give him the car back and buy one. He owes me for a holiday though.

OP posts:

FlamingoFlamenco · 15/04/2019 21:01

If he owes you for the holiday ,sell the car (it was gifted to you, yes?)and keep the cash as repayment for it

....... oh, and remove him from your life - he's mean spirited and probably weighs up everything single exchange to make sure he gets his share - or more.

Middersweekly · 16/04/2019 11:01

Yep totally agree, he’s a tight fisted bean counter. Will never do something for nothing type. If he owes you for a holiday and he’s bought you a second hand car then call that a debt to each other paid. Also if he’s in your house tell him you expect him to be putting his hand in his pocket for food, water, gas & electric and see what he says to that!

Annasgirl · 16/04/2019 11:06

Why on earth would you choose to be with someone like this? You have no ties, you have your own home, you have no DC with him - get rid of him. People like this do not change - I know, my DF was like this, life was miserable and DM could not leave as there were DC and he owned the house.

Thehop · 16/04/2019 11:09

Mean with money mean with love. Get rid of him, sell the car use the money to pay for holiday and board and get your own car.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2019 11:25

Annteeta

You've spent three wasted years on this person. He is tight fisted and throwing you crumbs. He is taking you for a right mug here, he really does think that little of you. And you of your own self too for putting up with this in a relationship. You've been well and truly used by him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?.

User7308cftj35902z · 16/04/2019 11:36

On the couple of occasions when he's brought up the car, what exactly did he say?

Also if a partner was to stay at mine most weekends and then stayed for a couple of months through illness, I would probably find the contribution to the food bill as perfectly acceptable. I would only expect contributions to other bills if he moved in with me.

Thymeout · 16/04/2019 12:38

If he brings up the car as an excuse for not paying for his share of the holiday, you could say that you didn't realise it was either the car or the holiday. If it had been, you wouldn't have booked the holiday, because you don't have the spare cash.

It'll be a difficult conversation, but if you don't say something, this sort of thing will keep on happening. I'm not sure that you can change the habits of a lifetime at his age. I had a partner like this and it wasn't just the big things. It really poisoned the relationship to feel he was always counting the cost, setting one thing against another in an imaginary profit/loss account, where he inevitably came off best. It wasn't just money, either, but time, chores, favours. It was a deeply unattractive trait.

Lordamighty · 16/04/2019 12:49

Wow, he is living for free between his sister’s house & yours & sponging off both of you. Frugal is not the description I would use, he is a CF who treating the 2 women in his life as a pair of mugs. Nobody should expect someone else to pay for their holiday. He knows exactly what he is doing.

Chocolateisfab · 16/04/2019 12:52

Get a quote on a car selling site by entering the reg. Give him that amount. Do without a car and you can't be his taxi or bloody nurse maid /doormat.
Seriously op he is mean.
Not an attractive quality imo.

WindypopsWendy · 16/04/2019 13:02

Someone who has been and oil and gas engineer and is retired now should have an above average final-salary pension, with a probably a few quid’s worth of shares, while you only have a modest income and an outstanding mortgage to pay.

If he surprised you with a car, I.e. you didn’t ask for it, it means it was bought so you could chauffeur him around (I hope you’re not doing trips back and forth between his house, his sister and yours), not a “gift” as such. Do you sit in the front while he sits in the back?

Why didn’t he pay his share of the holiday. Was it because he asked you to book it (is he too mean to have WiFi and a laptop at his house? and then forgot to pay his share or for holiday spends?

MashedSpud · 16/04/2019 13:02

He bought the car and got a free chauffeur.

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