Replies to texts/messages - how much would this bother you?

[chocolateandpinkgin]

My first proper post so please be gentle with me!

Basically I am just wondering, for those of you in relationships - how much do you text/message each other throughout the day when you're at work/not together etc? And if your partner was really crap at replying, would that bother you and you take it personally or would you just put it down to them being crap at replying?

I suffer a fair bit with anxiety and tend to overthink things so I am fully aware that may be what I'm doing here! Me and my husband have been together over 15 years and have two DCs, 7 and 10. We've had some issues the last couple of years which all came to a head a few months ago and we very nearly separated but when it came down to it, we both said we actually wanted to stay together and work on it. Since then, it's been fairly ok, but I think the fact we nearly separated was just such a massive shock that it's made my anxiety and overthinking stuff even worse! Just totally lost my confidence I think, I just keep thinking how I'm not funny enough and not pretty enough etc etc, and convince myself it'll all go wrong and we'll split eventually.

We're affectionate at home, we'll hug and kiss and say I love you, etc etc. But he's so crap at replying to messages. To be fair he can get really busy at work, but then other days when I know it's not been so busy, he's still rubbish at replying! Sometimes it'll be just a really short reply, other times I won't get a reply at all. If I end a message with 'love you' or anything then most of the time he just ignores it.

Sorry, I know how daft this sounds, I'm actually eyerolling at myself a little bit! Think it's this stupid bloody anxiety fixating on it. I hate being such a worrier! I so envy people who can just live in the moment and not worry about what's going to happen. Ugh. I guess what I'm asking is would it bother you?

To be honest no, but then I think I'm the crap replier in my relationship. My DP messages me quite often during the day. If I can, I reply, but if I"m busy I just leave it until later. He understands.

And if he did it constantly I'd just switch my phone off. I'm there to work, not sit there texting/msging.

Are you getting any help for your anxiety?

My DP doesn’t text much and at first it used to bother me, but bow I know him better it’s just his way. It’s nothing personal. His texts are usually quite plain, almost as if I am a colleague but I just respond in kind. I think behaviour face to face is far more reflective of how someone feels about you!

I think the last time DH messaged me from work was over a year ago when he was abroad, just to say he'd arrived OK and hotel was nice. It bothers me not. Married 38 years.

Are you getting any help for your anxiety?

Not really. I think I probably need to though. I did see the GP a few months ago and was given beta blockers for the days when the symptoms get really bad but tbh I think I've got worse not better so I should really go back. The thought of longer term medication just really scares me though! Hate feeling like this, it's just not like me at all. Thanks for your reply GreenFingers. Actually I can sometimes be rubbish at replying to other people too, so I suppose I shouldn't take it so personally!

@BentCoppersOnly yeah in fairness my DH has never been a big talker over text, I should really be used to it by now! His texts are the same too. Literally as short as possible lol. Yes, you're spot on about behaviour face to face being more important. Thank you.

DH and I rarely text each other throughout the day. He's at work, I'm at work, there's no need to text.
If one of us is away we will text more, but then again, if he doesn't message all evening I know it's because he's busy chatting with his colleagues. Personally it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

@thenightsky haha really? That does make me feel better, thank you!

I think you need help with your anxiety. If I have to speak to my DH when we are apart, I call him. If it doesn't warrant a phone call then it isn't important and I tell him when we are together. I suspect you drive him to despair with your messages and he is trying to do his job and earn money. This is 100% your issue and you really need to talk to your GP tell him about how you feel today and get some help. Medication doesn't have to be long term, it is there to help. I think you will feel better just going to the GP and getting this sorted. I hope you feel better soon and get the help you need.xx

I suspect you drive him to despair with your messages and he is trying to do his job and earn money. This is 100% your issue and you really need to talk to your GP tell him about how you feel today and get some help.

In all fairness I don't message him that much. Like if I don't get a reply, I won't constantly message him, I'll just sit and overthink it instead it's not every day either. But I do appreciate what you're saying and I do accept that a lot of this is my issue. He can be very 'emotionally closed off' at times which doesn't help when I'm feeling anxious but he's been like that as long as I've known him so I can hardly expect him to suddenly change now.

I do need to go back to the GP. Just need to work up the courage and work out what to actually say! Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your honesty x

I suffered with anxiety and I would really recommend practicing mindfulness @chocolateandpinkgin. It does take practice but it really helps with the overthinking and irrational thoughts 😊.

It ebbs and flows in our relationship down to just how busy we can be away from home. I sometimes forget to reply or call back and so does he. We have a little joke / standard of 3 texts or calls and you are out. But that could be over the course of a day or 3.

We don’t text everyday or have any expectation of it. Mindfulness is about focusing on the situation you are in. That can mean not thinking about home or family when at work. I wouldn’t expect someone to apologise for that unless there was a major crisis at home.

I agree you need treatment.

My husband is exactly the same! We've been together for 8years and he's always been so terrible at texting and answering calls. It's basically the only thing about him that drives me crazy!! We've talked about it numerous times over the years and sometimes after we talk he does make more of an effort to text me but it tends to be short lived! I don't expect him to text me all the time or even every day but I personally find it annoying if he never replies. I don't have a solution but I know how you feel!

My DH is very similar. We have a great relationship. But he is rubbish at answering calls (always goes to voicemail), and often when I text him at work, he doesn't reply. He does have a job where it can be hard to reply, but in my mind he could make the effort when he's on a break. I've actually stopped texting him now, because if he doesn't reply I feel pissed off.

My husband is AWFUL at replying to my texts. It used to bother me but I've got used to it after 12 years! It also helps that I know he's crap at replying to everyone and it's not just me!

Only text with a purpose and that’s it. My brother was dating someone for a while but, her constant, inane messages was the catalyst to finish it.

I see it as needy if you have to be constantly validated

Wouldn't bother me but I'm not a massive texter. I'll only really send a text if there's a purpose behind it, very rarely for general chat. I think a lot of people are the same. I would judge things on face to face interactions.

I think you need to look at what the issues were that you were having and why each of you decided you wanted to stay together. Do you think you are both still happy with that decision?

Plus, if you are ‘trying’ are each of you doing what you said you’d do

Have you got yourself into a good position re working & finances should you split up?

I don’t think you necessarily need medication, I think you need to get to the route of what’s causing the anxiety. If you’re worried he’s going to leave and it’s a justified worry, no amount of CBT or medication is going to help you.

Did HE say/imply you’re not funny enough/pretty enough or whatever? Did he have an affair? If he did, it takes a LOT to build a new relationship together, you can’t just ‘go back’ to how it was before and the texting (or not) is just ‘a’ thing you can hang your feelings on.

@ItsaMiracle2015 thank you, I am going to look into mindfulness. I'll have a google but can you recommend any good websites or anything? Thank you

We're married 20 years and we do not text during the day except for the occasional 'can you buy milk on the way home?' Or 'remember I'm out tonight after work' these texts are usually once every few weeks.

We are both busy during the day so don't bother each other with trivial texts, we do chat and say nice things to each other in person every day though!

@IncrediblySadToo we did have a talk the other day and I asked him if he's happy with how we are at the moment and if he wants to stay together, he said yes to both. I did say how I've been worried that deep down he wants to leave really and he said he doesn't know why I think that because he doesn't want to.

Work I'd be OK yes. Finances, god knows, when we talked about separating I did look at what I'd be entitled to and it didn't seem a lot to be honest!

No he's never said or done anything to make me think that, he's actually always been pretty complimentary, he does often say how good I look etc. It's really odd I can't really explain it, I've always been quite a confident person but these issues and the near separation has completely and utterly knocked my mental health and my confidence and turned me into this needy worried person! There's been no affair, well obviously I know you can never be 100% but I'm as sure as I can be. I did have a bit of a meltdown thinking he fancied some younger woman he sees occasionally for work, but I've kind of seen sense about that now, I know nothing has happened there and it was just my anxiety sending me a bit mad.

I know how you feel chocolateandpinkgin - my preferred method of communication is texting, as it’s quick and easy, doesn’t interrupt someone’s day, so they can reply when it suits them etc.

My DP prefers to call, which annoys me as it interrupts me while I’m working, cooking or driving etc

We’ve had many discussions where I’ve moaned at him for reading my messages (he has read receipts on, so I can see that he’s seen it) but then not replying. He’ll then phone me from the car on his way home, which isn’t always convenient for me.

I mean how long does it take to text a quick reply, or the occasional “thinking of you” when he literally has his phone in his hand all day. He is pretty self sufficient at work, can do as he pleases, I know for a fact he’ll play games on his phone while he’s in the loo etc and can’t even sit and wait for his lunch to arrive or for his companion to go to the loo without being on his phone, so I think that’s why it annoys me so much.

Anyway, long story short, I’ve told him it means a lot to me when he texts me during the day and he’s explained that sometimes he sees my message in a meeting and checks in case it’s urgent (it never is!) but isn’t always in a position to reply.

He complains that I don’t phone more, so I’ve said that I will phone him and will be more proactive when I want to talk to him, rather than wait for him to text and then get annoyed that he doesn’t.

You just need better communication. Talk to him about how your heart jumps when you see his messages, how it makes your day to see his name flash up on your phone when you’re not together and how it makes you feel loved when he takes time out of your day to let you know he’s thinking of you. Try to frame the communication as a positive, rather than moaning about the lack of it.

Expectation is at the root of all disappointment, so if you can message him with low expectations of him being able to reply, but when he does reply he knows it’s important to you, hopefully you can get to a better place.

We only text each other if there's something important to say (and not just to gossip about something that's happening). Generally if it's something important, we're communicating because we need an answer from the other person, so a reply would be forthcoming. I wouldn't expect any "thinking of you" texts or nonsense like that.

I get texts when DH stressed/unhappy at work, as he goes and sits in his car on breaks so I get morning and lunchtime texts currently.

In 2 weeks he will (finally) be leaving his shit job behind and going self employed labourer so God knows when I will hear from him.

I kind of know how you feel though, when I first went on maternity and didn't have enough to occupy my mind I stressed about the lack of contact because I had time to think and over think.

It’s good that the near split wasn’t because of an affair (or a known one at least), that’s a start. However, whatever the ‘issues’ were, it’s made you realise your marriage isn’t bomb proof, that is unsettling and bound to make you feel like you need reassurance.

One or both of you seriously contemplated ending your marriage and it broke the trust that you will always have each other’s backs, that you will always be together. Once that trust is broken it’s a long hard road to regain, if you even can.

We generally only message each other if we need to communicate about something that can’t wait. Though I have a long train commute so I do message more then to check how the dc are. We’re both very busy (at work and at home), so neither of us would be offended if the other didn’t respond. Same if we’re away traveling with work, etc. though I would expect to hear from him/and him me more outside of work hours then. Married 10 years with 2 dc.