Replies to texts/messages - how much would this bother you?

[chocolateandpinkgin]

My first proper post so please be gentle with me!

Basically I am just wondering, for those of you in relationships - how much do you text/message each other throughout the day when you're at work/not together etc? And if your partner was really crap at replying, would that bother you and you take it personally or would you just put it down to them being crap at replying?

I suffer a fair bit with anxiety and tend to overthink things so I am fully aware that may be what I'm doing here! Me and my husband have been together over 15 years and have two DCs, 7 and 10. We've had some issues the last couple of years which all came to a head a few months ago and we very nearly separated but when it came down to it, we both said we actually wanted to stay together and work on it. Since then, it's been fairly ok, but I think the fact we nearly separated was just such a massive shock that it's made my anxiety and overthinking stuff even worse! Just totally lost my confidence I think, I just keep thinking how I'm not funny enough and not pretty enough etc etc, and convince myself it'll all go wrong and we'll split eventually.

We're affectionate at home, we'll hug and kiss and say I love you, etc etc. But he's so crap at replying to messages. To be fair he can get really busy at work, but then other days when I know it's not been so busy, he's still rubbish at replying! Sometimes it'll be just a really short reply, other times I won't get a reply at all. If I end a message with 'love you' or anything then most of the time he just ignores it.

Sorry, I know how daft this sounds, I'm actually eyerolling at myself a little bit! Think it's this stupid bloody anxiety fixating on it. I hate being such a worrier! I so envy people who can just live in the moment and not worry about what's going to happen. Ugh. I guess what I'm asking is would it bother you?

If you live together, why do you need to text at all during the day? If I text DH from work it's to ask him to pick up some toilet roll or to remind him to pay the dog walker!

I do have time to text him, yes, but I have no need to. I get to work early and sit and have a coffee and chat with my colleagues - sometimes I go and browse in the little bookshop across the road!

I wouldn't want to see someone every morning, text them all day, then see them every night as well. It's very claustrophobic!

Dare by Barry McDonagh is a good book and there is a website. I would look properly at what would happen if you separated to see what the facts are. So many people are divorced and none I know are shrivelling wrecks.
I think the fear of separating could be feeding your anxiety , so getting your head round that could help. No men I know are quick replers to messages.

Totally get where you're coming from op. In the early days me and my oh would text throughout the day and even now a quick 'I love you hope you're having a good day' really lifts my mood. But sadly he isn't much of a texter and quite often we won't speak until we both get home.

I don't think it's anything to worry about. But I do understand your point of view and it doesn't make you needy.

When I'm at work, I'm focussed on work. So unless it's a practical message like "Making stir fry tonight - can you please pick up some spring onions on your way home" I wouldn't expect to be texting back and forth.

Have a look at CBT, it's great for anxiety. You can self-refer for online sessions:
beta.nhs.uk/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/#

I usually send him pictures of the funny stories in the paper at lunchtime. We don't message otherwise unless there's something specific to tell each other

I feel like we're definitely in the Mumsnet minority but DH and I Whatsapp a lot during the day. I freelance from home (on the laptop) or have the kids with me, he works long hours from a PC in a company where Whatsapp Web is used to communicate with colleagues across the world so is always running in the background.

There's no concerns if / when one of us goes quiet (usually if he's in meetings or I'm wrangling the kids and don't have the phone in my hand) but there's a lot of little bits and bobs through the day.

My dp hardly ever replies to texts. He's busy working though and uses power tools so it's no surprise. I don't text him for general chit chat, he's at work. He doesn't see it to be professionally to be constantly on his phone. He's a builder and he's had work mates to this and it really doesn't look good, doesn't look like your working. So I understand. If I need to get hold of him for something important, I just phone him and vice versa. I get anxiety too but this doesn't bother me. What would set my anxiety off is if he wasn't due home when he said he would be it slot later than the norm, I hadn't heard from him and I couldn't get hold of him.

• professional not professionally

We text in the day maybe once a month or less. No need to be in touch. We’re both busy and nearly everything can wait for the evening. I’d hate if he was poking me to stay in contact all day.

One or both of you seriously contemplated ending your marriage and it broke the trust that you will always have each other’s backs, that you will always be together. Once that trust is broken it’s a long hard road to regain, if you even can

@IncrediblySadToo I think you've just completely summed it up actually, I think this is completely accurate for me. I always thought (naively or maybe a little arrogantly) that we'd just always be together and that was that, so now this has happened it's completely floored me and yeah, I've lost that 'trust' that we'll always be OK. Which has led me to overanalysing and questioning everything. Thanks so much for this, I thought I was going mad and your above reply has actually helped me to make sense of my feelings so thank you!

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate all of them. It's really interesting to see how the dynamics of other people's relationships can be so different, and how something can be a big deal for one couple yet barely matter at all to another couple. I'm coming to realise that me and DH are just very different people and we have different needs, different ways of showing love, etc. I guess the next step is deciding whether that's something I can deal with. Thanks all once again

Maybe I'm old school, but I wouldn't text someone when they're at work unless it was to ask them to get something on the way home/remind them about something/an emergency. They aren't paid to chat to their mates/GF/wife etc, and I would get irritated if someone expected me to chat whilst I'm at work. Depending on the job it could spoil my "flow", but I understand I need to stay in "work mode" and others may be able to flit from personal to work easier than me.

When my DH is at work I consider him to be 'out of bounds'. I have texted or phoned him but it needs to be in exceptional circumstances. I also wouldn't expect to be disturbed at work unless it's absolutely necessary.
However, a couple of times when I've texted, he hasn't replied and I've ending up texting in capital letters because I'm bloody furious. He's arrived home oblivious and found me champing at the bit. He checked and found his phone still on 'Do not disturb' he'd set earlier in the day when he was in a meeting. Grrrrrr.

"...so now this has happened it's completely floored me and yeah, I've lost that 'trust' that we'll always be OK. Which has led me to overanalysing and questioning everything."

I can see why this would happen. However, let it be an oppertunity to focus on the good in your relationship and what can improve.

1. You both love other enough to want to remain in the relationship. It sounds as though DP does give you genuine complements when together.
2. Have the conversation on how things could be improved... i mean the real things that matter such as rebuilding trust, communication and what wad at the root of the issue. Both of you will feel vulnerable if you are open and honest., but you need to explain your needs and wants but also understand your differences.

If you do some reading around Love Languages and also Personality types it will give you a greater understanding of why everyone is different.

1. Focus on what you are in control of and can change. Your feelings about txts is a symptom of how you feel, not a cause... You may think your DP doesnt care enought to not be thinking and corresponding with you as often as you do .... but he is not a txter and this does not reflect on any way how he feels about you.

You can control your fustration and instead focus on things like what he has said, or what you are doing and the conversations you can have with him when you are together so you can feel closer, or many of the responses from this tread. Also see if there are any Stress and Anxiety classes / online material to help you understand the root cause of your own feelings and why that does not always relate to normality.

You now understand there is no "automatic right" to a successful everlasting relationship. This puts you in a very strong position because you know the relationship will require work and effort for a future ... which is a very powerful and realistic situation to be in!!

Good luck!!

This is all down to your recent near-split. What were your issues? What caused it?

When I'm feeling great about myself and sure of DH's undying affection, I couldn't give a toss about any outside "proof" of his affection. But if I get into a needy spiral, suddenly I feel like a raw bag of nerves if he takes longer than a minute to reply.