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Original poster

New Boyfriend Talks Over Me (A Lot)

39 replies

madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 13:14

I started dating this guy in January. He is really lovely, kind, thoughtful, consistent etc. He ticks basically every box for me. However, I have noticed that when we're having a conversation he talks over me.

So, we'll both go to say something at the same time but instead of the usual 'oops, you go first' that tends to happen in these situations, he just keeps talking as if I never uttered a word. Then once he's made his point I will try again but then he starts talking AGAIN. And this usually happens a few more times until he is done (usually having made at least 3 different points) then he goes 'what were you saying?'. So it's not as if he just didn't notice me trying to speak he just decided what he wanted say was more important.

It's frustrating because I find it rude but also usually because there's not the back and forth that happens in a normal conversation, he'll have made so many points that by the time he lets me speak my point is no longer relevant.

This obviously doesn't happen every time we speak but it's happened often enough for it to bother me. Is there any way of putting a stop to this without me seeming like the rude person? Is this a red flag? Could it just be immaturity? (We're both mid 20's).

Any thoughts would be appreciated! Grin

OP posts:
Plipplopbop · 15/04/2019 13:16

I can do this when I'm nervous! I only tend to realise after I shut up! I hate it about myself.

MikeUniformMike · 15/04/2019 13:19

I would just walk off when he does it or stick my fingers in my ears and go La la la.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2019 13:23

He basically does think that what he's saying is more important than you

starfishmummy · 15/04/2019 13:28

It might be nerves
It might be because some people are like this
He might just be a dick.

aprarl · 15/04/2019 13:29

Have you talked to him about it?

Singlenotsingle · 15/04/2019 13:30

Say something to him! ( If you can get a word in!)

Original poster
madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 13:40

@Plipplopbop I did wonder if it was something like this or just over enthusiasm because I always notice it when we're having a chat about something really interesting. So wondered if he gets carried away then realises after the fact and that's why he asks what I wanted to say.

@MikeUniformMike I have sometimes wanted to just walk off and leave him to finish his obviously important conversation with himself!!

Okay so the consensus seems to be to speak to him! I wasn't sure if I was being petty to be annoyed about it. What could I say that isn't too harsh but would get my point across?

OP posts:
stofi · 15/04/2019 13:41

When you do get the chance to speak is it obvious that he's waiting for you to finish so that he can speak again? Or does he listen?

candycane222 · 15/04/2019 13:44

A cheerful 'Oi! I was talking' - if he says oops sorry and pauses to listen, then give him a few more chances, if he looks grumpy, there's your answer

CryptoFascist · 15/04/2019 13:47

Can you say "please don't talk over me" the next time he does it? Some people just need to be told it's a problem.

Original poster
madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 13:48

@stofi he does listen and will ask me things and will make reference to things I've previously said. Also it was my birthday last week and he got me a really thoughtful gift that was based on an interest I'd mentioned briefly, so when I get the chance to speak I do think he's paying attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 13:49

@CryptoFascist & @candycane222 will definitely try something like this next time it happens!

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 15/04/2019 13:51

I couldn't stand this. So rude and disrespectful. You've got point it out. He's got to stop. Otherwise it's just completely disregarding you

Haggisfish · 15/04/2019 13:53

My ds would do this-he’s on the autistic spectrum and just doesn’t ‘get’ these rules of engagement! I would ask him if he realises he does it and hopefully he will apologise and try to not to do it! If he reacts angrily or is a tool, I’d move on.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/04/2019 13:57

He is really lovely, kind, thoughtful, consistent

He's not really any of these things then is he OP Hmm

EleanorOalike · 15/04/2019 13:58

I put up with it for about 3 dates and a few phone calls and then ended it. It made me feel like I didn’t matter, like he could have been monologuing at anyone who would listen. I couldn’t see a future with someone who constantly talked over me and in that way disrespected me every time we spoke. I think it was social awkwardness on his part but I made excuses for a previous partner’s selfish and thoughtless behaviour and wasn’t about to do it again.

If you do raise it with him then do it when he’s doing it so he can see for himself that it is a habit of his.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/04/2019 15:38

It would be a bit of a red flag for me, but it does depend on why he's doing it.

If it's because he sees his opinion as more important than your's, then that's definitely a concern.

Next time he does it, call him out on it - you should be able to tell from his reaction what's going on.

LumpyPillow · 15/04/2019 16:14

With normal people it can be many things, excitement, genuine mistake, nervousness, learning disability, immaturity, but the most common thing I have found it to be is high levels of arrogance.

They generally hold themselves in very high esteem, and love 'holding court'. They think what they are saying is most important, most exciting, thrilling compared to you. They are usually not listening to what you are saying afterwards, just thinking about what they are going to say back next. If that's the case it is often very easy to see visually. Watch his interactions with you, his gaze, if you feel like he is listening to you truly.

It's most often men, i have found. Some are arrogant pricks through and through. Others are really generally nice but have definite ego issue/struggle and things like this seep through. I have found, in both instances, telling them what they are doing changes nothing (not even repeatedly on seperate occasions) , they still don't care because they're still not listening and what you're saying is insignificant. This has been a range of men aged 20s - 70s. Maybe the key is catching em young and challenging them repeatedly.

If you can see no big ego issues elsewhere, maybe keep challenging and see how it goes. I don't know how people live with it though, it is so irritating, even the nice ones.

Original poster
madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 16:49

I think my worry is that maybe he's been on best behaviour to win me and this is some of his true nature seeping out? But I suppose I'll only know if that's the case with time.

@LumpyPillow I agree with so much of this, I've only ever encountered this issue with men! I have an aunt and uncle and every time she's telling a story he butts in and goes "HELENNN" then proceeds to take over her story and I always think he looks like an arse and she looks like an idiot for letting him do it, so I'd hate for that to end up being me!

When I do get to say what I wanted to say he does seem to be listening as he engages with me and asks questions rather than just letting me speak then going straight back to talking. Which is what makes me think it might be over excitability about topics he's interested in. I'll challenge him next time he does it and I suppose his reaction to that will tell me what I need to know.

OP posts:
EleanorOalike · 15/04/2019 17:02

I think my worry is that maybe he's been on best behaviour to win me and this is some of his true nature seeping out?

Yeah, with the guy I mentioned when we were “just friends” he didn’t do it at all. As soon as I became, in his mind, his “potential girlfriend/life mate” he totally changed. So he could turn the behaviour off for men and other women who he didn’t have a romantic interest in.

I think that alone is a red flag! When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Original poster
madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 17:08

@EleanorOalike Oh God, the ability to change personality like that would be a big worry for me so I think you did the right thing, definitely!

Also, I really do believe in that saying! I think I might be jumping the gun to ditch him for one annoying trait but I will definitely mention it to him and if he doesn't react well I'll move on.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 15/04/2019 17:16

If its caused you to post on MN then your instincts are telling you something.

Have you not felt able to say something already? Very important to assess reactions when dating as their reaction when you assert yourself, pushback or say No.

BambooB · 15/04/2019 17:18

I have a 'friend' like this. It pisses me off royally.

RomanyQueen1 · 15/04/2019 17:27

I do this, I can't help it. Dh does point it out and I do apologise and sometimes I'll manage to stop myself.
If I don't dh will give me a paddington stare and I'll apologise. I have some learning difficulties dyslexia and dyspraxia with slow comprehension.
I know it pisses people off and comes across as rude.
Ask him why he does it and take it from there.

Original poster
madeofstarlight · 15/04/2019 17:34

@lifebegins50 that's true, it's obviously ringing a bell for me somewhere! It's not that I don't feel able to say anything because of how I think he would react, it's more that I wasn't sure if it would be overly critical to pull someone up over this when there's no other problems. But I feel reassured that I'm not over reacting to be annoyed by it now so will definitely bring it up next time it happens.

OP posts:
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