New Boyfriend Talks Over Me (A Lot)

[madeofstarlight]

I started dating this guy in January. He is really lovely, kind, thoughtful, consistent etc. He ticks basically every box for me. However, I have noticed that when we're having a conversation he talks over me.

So, we'll both go to say something at the same time but instead of the usual 'oops, you go first' that tends to happen in these situations, he just keeps talking as if I never uttered a word. Then once he's made his point I will try again but then he starts talking AGAIN. And this usually happens a few more times until he is done (usually having made at least 3 different points) then he goes 'what were you saying?'. So it's not as if he just didn't notice me trying to speak he just decided what he wanted say was more important.

It's frustrating because I find it rude but also usually because there's not the back and forth that happens in a normal conversation, he'll have made so many points that by the time he lets me speak my point is no longer relevant.

This obviously doesn't happen every time we speak but it's happened often enough for it to bother me. Is there any way of putting a stop to this without me seeming like the rude person? Is this a red flag? Could it just be immaturity? (We're both mid 20's).

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

I do this when I'm either nervous or over excited. I KNOW how frustrating it is because I hate it when someone does it to me! I try to rein it in as much as I can.

I would talk to him, the next time it happens call him out - simply say something like "I was talking and you interrupted and I find that quite frustrating!" If he apologises and moderates his behaviour then great. If he gets defensive or ignores you then I'd probably bin him off.

It's good to hear from people who also do this, it's reassuring to know it's not always something sinister

"I was talking"
"Actually I was saying something"
"You just spoke over me"
"Do you realise you just spoke over me?"
Or just carry on speaking like he does but louder and don't stop.
I couldn't bear this.

I knew two people who did this constantly. I good very good at holding my line of thought and carrying on when they stopped (mid sentence if necessary). I got really perturbed when one asked me the same question three times in a row, each time turning to speak to DP after I'd got a couple of words out. And the thing is, he knew he was doing it! So bloody rude. I never see either of them now, not for this reason, but it means I don't miss them!

DP will do it when drunk. I just shut up, switch off, and tune back in when he stops. It sounds just as rude I know, but he doesn't realise. And he'll tell me the same thing within minutes anyway!

Others who suffer with this and feel really rude here is a tip that helps me sometimes.
When someone is speaking concentrate on every word not just the general chat. Follow every word in your head and try to relax.
I know it's not easy but tell yourself to listen, train yourself to.
My dh is a slow talker and you never know when he is going to stop, or has stopped. Sometimes my interruptions are because I think he's finished. He complains he was just drawing breathe

OP, lovely you acknowledged we aren't all sinister. I would do anything and try lots of different ways not to do it. I hate being considered as rude as my parents raised me better than this and likewise we wouldn't have taken it from our children.
I don't know what else to try and would love it if anyone on your thread had any tips.

I have a friend who does this. With her I think it's because she has set topics and agendas she wants to talk about, irrespective of what I want to say or how the conversation is going. When I can see she's not listening to me, has switched off, I simply stop talking. She now knows I do this and has improved.

When she interrupts me I just keep on talking until she has to give up. It can get a bit tiring, and I see her less often because of it. If she was a boyfriend/partner I wouldn't accept it, so he'd have to stop or I'd end things.

It’s a really bad habit - one that’s hard to break so your going to get used to it if you want him around.

My granny does it, it’s purely because they want to speak and it’s more important than anyone else.

A family member and I totally just carried on talking over her once and wouldn’t let her interject and she was literally hopping mad

I can have a tendency to do this. It can be an ADHD brain thing. I genuinely don't mean to and cringe about it after but sometimes my mouth runs away before I've engaged my brain. It's more common since I'm at home more and have less adult interaction - I get a bit excited talking to another grown up. I always apologise and make a joke of it though and I am listening to the other person.

When xdh did this to me at the point I finally got to speak I would say “I forgotten what I was about to say whilst you were talking”

He would get the hint

My dh tells me the interrupting cow joke.
Don't ask me to write it down. He is used to me now and has begun to realise I don't think what I have to say is more important. It isn't a selfish thing, and everyone I've ever met who does this is ashamed, mortified and upset that they do it.
I don't think it's a habit thing, well, not with everyone.
I've done it in an interview, stopped and apologised. I wouldn't have said the "F" word in the interview, but I have been known to swear out of habit.
With me, I think it's timing and inability to know when to speak.

From your description of how he engages with what you’re saying I think it sounds like he just gets over excited. I’d keep pointing it out in a cheerful way (You’re talking over the top of me again!) unless he really doesn’t get the message in which case you could get serious and tell him it’s becoming a deal breaker.

I had a DP like this. If we both started talking at the same time, he would just raise his voice over mine. Every. Time.
He also used to finish my sentences for me because he thought he could second guess what i was going to say, and he was mostly wrong. So you'd get:
me: I thought i might...
him: go out at the weekend
me:no....I thought...
him: buy a cat
me: no...I...
You get the idea. It didn't matter if I complained, he still did it. In the end I just gave up talking. And dumped him.
I agree with others, talk to him but if he keeps on doing it I would strongly consider leaving him.

He doesn't sound rude to me, sounds like maybe he has mild autism and I mean that in the kindest possible way, I'm guilty of this myself.