Working with DH. I'm just not sure?

[PCHelenArmitage]

After looking for a while I've just been offered a new job, which I'm very excited about.
I'll try not to drip feed but give as much info as possible.

During the application process I applied for a few jobs, as you do.
Although I have secured a role I've been offered a 2nd interview with a different company, which I will attend later this week.

The 2nd job which I may not get, of course is at DH's company.
Even if it wasn't with DH's company I would go to the interview, although I'm very happy with the new role I've already been offered the job at DH's company pays more than 25% more for a very similar job description, so in any circumstances I'd have to consider it.

Thing is, I have a niggling doubt. DH persuaded me to apply to his company, we wouldn't be in the same department and he would be one grade senior. Day to day we probably wouldn't see that much of each other but he wants us to commute together and spend lunchtimes together.

I am very independent and value my own thinking time. My reservation is not about DH's company or working for them, rather it's a gut feeling about DH that I can't quite put my finger on. Sensible as it is to go to the 2nd interview for the 2nd company DH is steering this.

DH is my 2nd H and yes, you've guessed it, ex H was EA and controlling so I might be projecting hugely.

What does anyone else think?
Hope I've this is enough info to explain the situation but do ask questions.

Also, despite my username I'm not and never have been in the Police force!

Do you feel you can openly express what you'd like, eg not having all lunches together or would he be offended and angry?

I've worked at the same company as DH for 15 years and love it. We don't eat lunch together though.

Cross that bridge if/when you come to it.

I work very close to DH and also had the same doubts. We walk in/home together 2/3 times a week and have lunch maybe 4-5 times a month. It works really well and we like having that time together.

DH was talking about having lunch every day but actually work does get in the way.

If you get offered both, then take it into consideration and weigh up the pros and cons of both.

I would go to the interview, but if you're offered the job I would set very firm boundaries with your H before you consider accepting it:

• you commute separately (or together if it makes sense, but have a very clear agreement on how it would work for you
• you eat separately
• you don't seek each other out during the working day unless you have genuine job related business with each other.

If that doesnt settle your gut... I'd think very hard about taking it. Money isn't everything and both working for the same company can be a complication at the best of times.

I would accept the initial job offer, you need space and independence from your H. He is also steering this too, an action of his I would have firm reservations about.

How long was it before your first marriage ended and meeting your now DH?. I sincerely hope that you have not jumped from one abusive relationship into yet another one but this particular scenario can and does happen. Therefore you may not be projecting hugely at all.

Are they any other concerns you have re him; what is he like with you day to day at home for instance?.

Attend the interview then cross the dilemma of DH working there if you get the job.

How does DH spend his lunch currently ?

You are wholly and fully allowed to listen to and trust your instinct.

You are also wholly and fully allowed to try to untangle if it's instinct or projection from past relationships.

Give yourself the time to feel into it. Xx

I used to work at the same organisation as my DH and we loved it! I really miss it.
Commuting in together was a great chance to chat and catch up without a small child around. We didn't meet for lunch every day but tried at least once a week and it felt like a real treat.

AttilaTheMeerkat I have verbally accepted the initial job offer and I will accept in writing this week.

My 1st marriage ended in July 2005, we were divorced in January 2006.

I met DH through a hobby in 2011 and became friends. We started dating in 2013, moved in together 2 years later and got married in 2016.
Those are approximate dates but no, I didn't jump from one relationship to another.

From 2005 I was single for a few years and concentrated on my DCs, myself and my career. I did some online dating inbetween.

At home DH is kind and more than pulls his weight. He is steady, considerate and we have much in common. On the downside he can be stubborn and grumpy, particularly when he's tired, as a less emotional person than me he can seem more standoffish and detached. If I ever discuss this with him he is immediately apologetic and attentive.

Our DCs are adults now and we all have good relationships with all of them.

DH is proud to be with me and I think this is where my gut reaction comes from wrt the job he likes to 'show me off' his words. I have a group of friends from my uni days, they are my best friends but they are 200 miles away so I see them a few times a year. Usually DH comes with me and we make a weekend of it, which is great but I do feel sometimes that I don't have much that is mine alone.

However, I am a person who needs a lot of space so it may be that I'm BU in this case and I can accept that criticism.

This isn't supposed to be a massive drip feed but I'm trying to put my doubts into context.

My ex tried this too. Two different workplaces. Once the FOG lifted, I realised he was incredibly abusive and that he really wanted me there to keep an eye on me because he projected his workplace behaviour onto me and possibly to keep him on the straight and narrow. because he was attempting to shag any young female colleague with a pulse

I’d be a firm no. The loss of independence isn’t worth the extra money in my opinion

I don't think DH is or has been shagging anyone else for the duration of our relationship.

I would be very reluctant but appreciate that the money is tempting

Surely when it's lunchtime, don't you like to drift round the shops and do a bit of window shopping (assuming you're in a town?) Or go and have a coffee with the girls and talk girl talk? Just tell him you don't intend spending every lunch time with jim,.

Him, not Jim!

I used to work in the same building as my husband. I like my own space too so we didn't do lunch together. We did commute together for ease in the car but I usually fell asleep. The downside for me is that we talked about work SO much as we both knew all the ins and outs and the people. Twas boring!

The idea of having to spend every single lunchtime together would make me feel very stifled.

I need a lot of my own space too and my DP appreciates this (he likes his own space too).

Go with your gut.

It's not just that you might feel stifled. If I were a new friend of yours at that job I wouldn't confide in you or really relax, either, because your husband works there and is a level up. I would think that what I'd said to you was being passed on. And if you are spending every lunchtime with him (wtf?) then how can you make other friends? What would you have to talk about at night except work?

Interesting situation. I used to work with my partner but we kept our distance mostly. We are moody gits in the morning so would often drive in separately -the location was awkward without a car so it was helpful having a car for our breaks. Our breaks would often be at different times or we wouldn’t get one so that wasn’t really a thing. I think you need to do what’s best for you, think about the pros and cons. Plus figure out what his expectations are and what you are willing to do. I know a quiet break during a busy day is often needed

My current job isn’t going that well and my partners workplace have made it clear they would love to have me back. So l may be in your position later in the year

When you say “Dh’s company”, do you mean that he owns it, he’s a director or he just works there?

DH and I work in the sane field. He is a company director and needed someone with my skill set. He offered me a job about 6 months ago. Apart from not wanting all our eggs in one basket, I just couldn’t do it. I’d always be “ the gaffer’s wife”, glhiwrvt hard I worked.

I've worked in the same place as my DH, OP, and I really disliked it. I very much have work persona, am quite senior and - I think - a different person at work than at home.

My DH took every opportunity to 'drop in' to
my open-plan office area and I would regularly catch him trying to look at what was on my screen. I had nothing to hide but that's a pet hate of mine, irrespective of who is trying to glimp. He wanted to spend every lunch with me and was very offended whenever I said no - our respective work loads are very different (ie mine is far bigger than his) but he just didn't seem to accept that as a legitimate excuse for not doing lunches, coffees etc with him.

It drove me mad as I felt I simply had no place of my own and the crunch came when he suggested that I 'obviously' fancied one of my team because of the way I was chatting to him when DH decided to drop in again.

I moved after that as I'd had enough. However, later this year, following a promotion, I will be in the same building as him again and I can't say I'm looking forward to that aspect of the job, whereas he is delighted that it's going to be the case!

I don't mean to project and it could be that none of these things are issues for you, but DH did say that he too was proud to be associated with me and I suspect a lot of his actions were territory-marking

It's interesting to read everyone's different experiences and thanks for sharing them.

To answer some questions and points raised; no it isn't DH's company, it's his workplace and he's quite senior. I don't think he'd be marking his territory at work if I was employed there.

Lunchtimes could be easy for me to avoid but it would be silly not to do the commute together and that's one of my concerns, he's a mornings person whereas I'm an evenings person. I don't really want to talk in the mornings!

I'm not sure how well placed I will be to make friends at work because I'd be managing a team and fairly senior myself.

We would be in different departments so working together would be very rare.

I do want to drift around the shops at lunchtime!

The money is tempting but we are comfortable. DH is more financially motivated than me, for me it's more about the financial independence a higher salary would give me. Which is not to say that DH has ever been financially controlling, he isn't. All of the home finances are done by me, that makes sense in the context of our relationship because I'm better at accounting.

I'm not sure how well placed I will be to make friends at work because I'd be managing a team and fairly senior myself.

Obviously you don't want to get over friendly with your direct reports, but presumably there are other people on your same grade who could potentially become friends.

It's a tough one. Some couples seem to make it work, others don't. I have only once worked with someone I was in a relationship with. I was senior to him and it caused massive problems. (Although he was an abusive dick anyway... Stole money out my purse, sexually abusive, occasionally violent, etc.)

OTOH I have known couples who have worked in the same company but different depts and it's worked out fine for them.

If you feel you want to take it, I would set expectations with him that you meet for lunch once a week, but the rest of the time you need to be networking with your team/colleagues.

Oh god just don't.

You don't want to, I can tell by your post.

I wouldn't want to. Arriving as 'Jonathan's wife'. Having to justify when you want to sit in the train with your headphones in rarher than have couple time on your commute (no no no). On my lunch breaks I like to sit (alone) or go for a walk (alone) or go to the gym. Alone.

Imagine every time you feel annoyed about dickhead Ian undermining you in a meeting your husband is at the dinner table saying 'well you know, he is very good at his job...'.

If its the money side you're thinking of consider the financial sense if putting all your family eggs in one company's basket. What if you bith get made redundant?

I can tell by your post that you don't want to. I wouldn't want to either.

I had someone contact me about a job at DPs workplace and I considered it because it's close by and I'd have the comfort of a lift every morning lol.

On the downside, I like having "my place" and DP having "his place" so I declined the interview. And it worked out for the best as I landed a great job shortly after!

It really doesn't sound like you want to work so close to him so i don't think you should