Petty sounding FB friend issue

[strawberrycloud]

I have wanted to ask MN about this for ages, but it sounds so incredibly petty when I type it out that I always end up deleting it rather than posting! It's bothering me though and I could do with an outside perspective!

Background is thus: for the last 8 years I have had a close knit friendship group with 2 other mums. DC similar ages in same schools, DHs all friends too, we all socialise together at weekends, and holiday together at least once a year.

One mum friend in particular is probably the 'ringleader'. Let's call her Jane. Jane is a big character, popular locally (rural village community), kind and supportive with it. She's fab and great fun to be around, always the life and soul, probably my closest friend of them all.

7 months ago my family and I moved abroad for a 2 year contract. I won't say where as I don't really want this to be in any way identifiable but it's a wonderful location and we are very lucky to have the opportunity to be here. The sort of place lots of people would enjoy going on holiday to. We have already had various people come out to visit, and have invited our friends to come whenever they can make it.

As a friendship group we have always used FB. Jane is large as life on FB and could always be relied on to be the first to make a lovely comment on one of my photos etc. I'm not the sort to post daily on FB, I maybe share stuff once a week maximum, if I have anything I deem interesting. Photos of new places we have visited, that sort of thing. If anything I post less now, compared with pre-move.

The weird thing that is bothering me is that since the move, Jane has not interacted with a single one of my FB posts. Not so much as a single 'like'. When we occasionally chat on the phone she seems genuinely pleased to hear from me and we chat away with interest in each other's lives and news and it's great- I just find her ignoring me on FB really strange and completely at odds with how she is on the phone. She still comments on and 'likes' everyone else's FB stuff, including members of my own family she has as friends having met them only a few times. She doesn't reply to messages I send her, but if there is a message sent to a group of people including me she is the first to respond. I still engage with all the photos and things that she posts, same as always; I like seeing my friends news all the more now that we are far away.

The other day a mutual friend said that Jane was talking about me on a night out and got a little upset saying how much she missed me, so I don't think she's trying to end the friendship by distancing herself. Or maybe she is?

I realise this makes me sound like a pathetic needy social media attention seeking idiot but I promise I'm an easy going person who's not all that bothered about 'likes' in general. FB has just been the platform that we have all used to share stuff in our lives for years and I don't understand why she is treating me as invisible on there now. I know she sees my posts because she talks about them over the phone when we speak.

We are due to go on holiday together in June and I feel a bit awkward, like I don't know where I stand with her. Does she want to maintain the friendship or not?

I guess overall I'm a bit hurt that I'm sharing parts of this exciting time for us as a family and my best friend is turning her head the other way. I realise I could ask her but it would sound so crazy and pathetic out loud. I have tried to ignore it and carry on as normal.

Does anyone have any insight?

Oh dear, no replies, now I feel even more ridiculous 🙈

Perhaps it's bothering me so much because I don't have a strong friendship group in my new country yet, and that's what I should concentrate on.

I would guess she must have accidentally muted you and can’t see your posts?

I can see why it would bother you- but I’m sure it’s just an accident on her behalf.

I think you are massively overthinking and perhaps you don't show up that much on her feed?

To be honest, I go on and use facebook occasionally but I find it very impersonal. Do you use whats app? Could you send her nice photos from your life just to her and see what she says?

I live overseas and there is a little bit of out of sight out of mind, especially if there are time zone differences. You are going on holiday together so she doesn't want to end the friendship. I think you are being a tiny bit precious, maybe because you are away and may feel like you are missing out a bit?

it's a wonderful location and we are very lucky to have the opportunity to be here. The sort of place lots of people would enjoy going on holiday to. We have already had various people come out to visit, and have invited our friends to come whenever they can make it

Some underlying jealousy on Jane's part, perhaps?

I was going to say maybe there's a bit of jealousy there on her part.

I know a few people who seem to be popular and the 'life and soul' but quite often they are not as happy as they seem behind closed doors and you having this opportunity and her seeing how well you're getting on could just be too much for her (and as someone else says, she may have muted you so that she doesn't see the posts).

I have to say, about a month a go I decided to delete the fb app off my phone. I still have an account but go on a lot less now (probably once every couple of days as opposed to numerous times a day like I was) and I feel much happier. What other people do with their lives is fine but I don't want to see all the happy family stuff ( alot of which i suspect isn't real) when I don't have my kids and am feeling a bit sorry for myself).

She doesn't respond to individual messages on messenger or WhatsApp, she seems to avoid even opening them (unless it's a group message in which case she opens and replies immediately!).

I don't believe that I don't appear in her newsfeed as she talks about things I have posted when we are on the phone. Plus we are close friends, if roles were reversed I'd look her posts up if I'd not seen any for a while.

It does sound totally precious and I feel stupid but I brushed it off for months thinking she hadn't seen my posts or whatever but I think there is more to it now, a deliberate reluctance to acknowledge my posts. But why

Maybe I should just get rid of FB altogether! I have never understood why people let it affect them negatively but yet here I am 🙄🤦‍♀️

That's a very sensible idea @Sunshineandflipflops!

@pudding21 totally agree that being far away has made me more sensitive. Perhaps FB friendships have become more important than they should be.

Time to invest more in local friends here. Have been spurred into action and just invited an acquaintance for coffee

I don't think you're being over sensitive at all. I think it's blatantly obvious that she is being off with you for going away.

I agree with a pp who said it sounds like jealousy.
People who act all nicey nicey and get over involved in the lives of other people and constantly arrange community things tend to be lacking in something within themselves.

She is probably a very unhappy, bitter person who can't bear to see you happy.

Fake people are everywhere.

It's not you, it's her.

Jealously is a horrible trait.

Enjoy yourselves and embrace the new experiences. Don't stop posting on FB. I'd probably just put her on a restricted list so she can't see anything on your page now.

Isn't it better that you have a great conversation on the phone? Ring her more.

Absolutely it's always better to speak properly on the phone @Catsick36. She hasn't phoned me once though, it's always me phoning her, which kind of feeds into my insecurities about the friendship I suppose. I think the phoning thing is simply out of sight out of mind though.

I really wouldn't say that she is a jealous person by nature, she is very competitive though I guess.

Coffee now in the diary with local friend this Friday! About time I made more effort with people here, looking forward to it

You have made me feel less crazy @CallMeRachel, thank you!!

I also think she sounds rather jealous. I don't think you are being over sensitive, there clearly is something going on if she has seen and commented on your posts when you speak over the phone, but never acknowledges them or you publicly but does on everyone else's. Do you like and comment on her posts? If so, stop immediately! Maybe she'll get the message that way.

This kind of thing is exactly why I came off FB a few years ago. It does mess with your head and makes you overthink things sometimes. I feel much better off without it personally, but in your situation while you're abroad it's a valuable way of keeping in touch so I'd probably stick with it. Maybe stick her on the restricted list as the PP above suggested. Turn the tables and let her wonder why she doesn't see anything you post but everyone else does. If she mentions it, you can say you thought she wasn't interested as she never likes or comments on your stuff.

It's really tempting not to engage with her posts by some way of retaliation, or limit what she sees, but if anything I feel like I should carry on as normal as though I'm oblivious rather than get sucked into frankly bizarre FB mind games.

Deleting it altogether would be the answer but as you say, I'd be cutting my nose off to spite my face as unfortunately FB is such a convenient way to keep in touch with friends and family when you are far away!

I'd casually mention it to her if she discusses one of your Facebook posts with you. I'd say something like, do you know I've noticed you never comment and I was wondering if there was a glitch in the system and you couldn't see me. Act dumb.

My guess is she's jealous and perhaps as she's missing you when she sees your posts she's not commenting as she wants to say something unpleasant. But unless you ask her you won't know.

I was in a similar situation with someone I'd thought of as a very close friend. After a bit of heartache, I concluded that I simply wasn't as important to them as they were to me, so I shifted them mentally into the 'aquaintance' category and muted them on Facebook so I didn't have to see them doing all their fun activities with other people. Also I stopped ringing and messaging altogether unless I had to for practical arrangements. Made me feel a lot better.

She does sound jealous I’m afraid OP, and attention seeking.

She doesn’t voluntarily ring you or message you, but was crying to someone else that she misses you.

Sounds like you are being subtly “punished” for having an amazing time; if she’s very competitive as you say then I think she resents you and your family having this opportunity.

Not very nice tbh, I would be wary from now on

So 'Jane' is the 'life and soul', 'big character', 'ringleader' in your friendship group. Sounds like she craves a lot of attention from others. Now you've gone and got yourself a 2 year contract in some wonderful destination that people would like to holiday at. All of a sudden you have something to offer people that she doesn't, and you may be taking some of that attention away. I'd say she may be a bit jealous of you and she is showing that by ignoring your messages and not initiating calls. You can either carry on as you are and let it wash over you, or rein back the friendship a bit and stop being the one to call/send messages. I'd probably do the former, and do as you are doing by seeking out other friendships in your new location.

I had this too, we moved abroad and some of our friends just couldn't face us 'moving on' and sort of cut us off. I was really hurt by a few of them.
Strangely the same happened when we moved back, with people getting a bit arsey about how easy we found the transition, like they wanted us to find it hard for a bit?
It's quite hard to explain properly how it all felt writing it down now, but I know how you feel and really I would guess it is probably about her feelings of being left behind.
Time will help and if she's a good friend she'll soon see only distance has changed and not your friendship.

It's because you've moved away. She sounds bitter. I would maybe say to her that you're sad that she doesn't interact with you anymore over Facebook, see what she says.

I agree with a pp who said it sounds like jealousy.
People who act all nicey nicey and get over involved in the lives of other people and constantly arrange community things tend to be lacking in something within themselves.

She is probably a very unhappy, bitter person who can't bear to see you happy.

Fake people are everywhere.

It's not you, it's her.

Jealously is a horrible trait.

Enjoy yourselves and embrace the new experiences. Don't stop posting on FB. I'd probably just put her on a restricted list so she can't see anything on your page now.

I agree with all of this Lady .. it's not you it's Her

What’s she like when you’re on the phone?

Bite the bullet and ask what’s up or say something like ‘missing you today, could really do with a coffee and a gossip’

You did say she was upset when talking about you, maybe it’s a mixture of emotions. Missing you, jealousy etc. She sounds like the type of person all the good things happen for and now it’s your turn she’s maybe a little unnecessarily annoyed.

It’s not petty, it’s been bothering you and you needed to get it out!

By the way.. I hope this location is sunny!

I've got friends who almost never show up on my feed, and I have no idea why. Perhaps you have become one of those on hers?

Perhaps you have become one of those on hers?

Try rtft

Op has stated repeatedly now as well as in her op that this woman knows what she's been posting as she's having phone conversations with her.

Why do people bother chipping in with diff advice if they fail to comprehend the situation... sigh

Not opening your personal messages to her is very off. Sounds like she's trying to cut you off for whatever reason and it hurts but if that's what she's decided then you're better off without. Trust your gut on this one and well done for making friends where you are now. Doesnt sound like Jane is worth trying to keep in touch with.