Petty sounding FB friend issue

[strawberrycloud]

I have wanted to ask MN about this for ages, but it sounds so incredibly petty when I type it out that I always end up deleting it rather than posting! It's bothering me though and I could do with an outside perspective!

Background is thus: for the last 8 years I have had a close knit friendship group with 2 other mums. DC similar ages in same schools, DHs all friends too, we all socialise together at weekends, and holiday together at least once a year.

One mum friend in particular is probably the 'ringleader'. Let's call her Jane. Jane is a big character, popular locally (rural village community), kind and supportive with it. She's fab and great fun to be around, always the life and soul, probably my closest friend of them all.

7 months ago my family and I moved abroad for a 2 year contract. I won't say where as I don't really want this to be in any way identifiable but it's a wonderful location and we are very lucky to have the opportunity to be here. The sort of place lots of people would enjoy going on holiday to. We have already had various people come out to visit, and have invited our friends to come whenever they can make it.

As a friendship group we have always used FB. Jane is large as life on FB and could always be relied on to be the first to make a lovely comment on one of my photos etc. I'm not the sort to post daily on FB, I maybe share stuff once a week maximum, if I have anything I deem interesting. Photos of new places we have visited, that sort of thing. If anything I post less now, compared with pre-move.

The weird thing that is bothering me is that since the move, Jane has not interacted with a single one of my FB posts. Not so much as a single 'like'. When we occasionally chat on the phone she seems genuinely pleased to hear from me and we chat away with interest in each other's lives and news and it's great- I just find her ignoring me on FB really strange and completely at odds with how she is on the phone. She still comments on and 'likes' everyone else's FB stuff, including members of my own family she has as friends having met them only a few times. She doesn't reply to messages I send her, but if there is a message sent to a group of people including me she is the first to respond. I still engage with all the photos and things that she posts, same as always; I like seeing my friends news all the more now that we are far away.

The other day a mutual friend said that Jane was talking about me on a night out and got a little upset saying how much she missed me, so I don't think she's trying to end the friendship by distancing herself. Or maybe she is?

I realise this makes me sound like a pathetic needy social media attention seeking idiot but I promise I'm an easy going person who's not all that bothered about 'likes' in general. FB has just been the platform that we have all used to share stuff in our lives for years and I don't understand why she is treating me as invisible on there now. I know she sees my posts because she talks about them over the phone when we speak.

We are due to go on holiday together in June and I feel a bit awkward, like I don't know where I stand with her. Does she want to maintain the friendship or not?

I guess overall I'm a bit hurt that I'm sharing parts of this exciting time for us as a family and my best friend is turning her head the other way. I realise I could ask her but it would sound so crazy and pathetic out loud. I have tried to ignore it and carry on as normal.

Does anyone have any insight?

Yeah this does sound a bit off. Not so much the ‘likes’ but the bit reading your messages when they come through while jumping straight into other peoples. I’ve got a ‘friend’ who does hot and cold like this. However she’s telling other people she misses you so???? If you’re all going on holiday together it doesn’t sound like you’ve been totally cut off. However I’m naturally very cautious when people start playing these stupid sort of mind games.

Things are totally normal on the phone, as though I haven't been away.

Actually feeling glad I posted, I feel better having gotten it off my chest (did try explaining it to DH but his wavelength isn't the sort to process this sort of stuff so he was useless). Feel better knowing that others 'get it'. Thank you.

Think I'll just carry on as I am tbh and ignore it. Also glad I have been spurred on to arrange that coffee on Friday! Can't wait!

I haven't read the full thread so forgive me if I repeat what others have said...

I think you've accidentally been muted or she's unfollowed your posts by mistake.

If you are bothered by her lack of interaction with you on FB, why don't you share a photo of you both and tag her in it or post something that means something to you both and tag her or mention her in a comment. That will bring her to your FB page.

It will still bug you! Speak to her.

She is fake.
She is competitive and needs to be queen bee. You doing something amazing has put her nose out of joint. She is playing lots of games - ignoring your posts and messages but then chatting nicely on the phone - fake, fake, fake.

I think she's acutely aware of all your fb posts and is probably looking at all of them a lot. And I suspect she's actually feeling abandoned by you. Not that you've actively abandoned her, but you've gone off on this exciting adventure and she's left behind in boring life without her closest friend. I think she's reacting how some of us do when we're hurt and sad, and passive aggressively lashing out/'punishing' you as a pp said. She's overcompensating almost in nonchalant I don't care way when actually she feels the opposite; she cares so much that it's too painful to acknowledge your new life.

I know it's tempting to react back in the same way because you feel hurt, but the most psychologically helpful/healthy way to deal with it would be to speak to her and tell her how you feel and that you miss her. The less scary alternative is just to pretend like it isn't happening and let it roll off you until you get home and then see if things resume as they were.

Maybe she is in love with you

Or annoyed about something random

It sounds like she wants to keep up appearances of being your friend without actually being your friend. Almost grey-rocking you

That's an interesting theory @RubyBoots7, and knowing her, I think perhaps a plausible one. Food for thought, thank you.

CallMeRachel
Get out of bed the wrong side today, did we?

I had a very similar experience & I really sympathise. It sounds small & petty but it's incredibly hurtful. I had just the same treatment, not a single 'like' while gushing on everyone else's posts including people I knew for a fact she didn't like IRL. I agree with pps that it will most certainly be down to jealousy & sometimes the fabulous & confident people are the most insecure BUT what she's doing is cruel, rude & absolutely no way to treat a friend. She knows exactly what she's doing. You're doing the right thing arranging to see new people & widening your social circle. I'm tempted to say post it all on FB but realistically, I'd come off it for a bit or at least mute her. Some people know exactly how to hurt. Good luck with it.

Just to add, she was always totally normal & lovely when we met up & I'd start to think I must be paranoid. Then it would all start again. We aren't really friends now.

I’m afraid to say she isn’t your best friend at all. It’s always you calling her and she’s not opening your personal messages. She’s not opening them because she’s a flake and a social networker. You are no longer important because you aren’t around and you can’t offer her anything eg a social network connection. She was upset about you being away simply to get attention from the others in the group at that moment. I’ve fallen victim to the exact same type of woman. The moment I moved she cut me off even though she used to be 1st to comment on every post etc exactly the same story as you. When I moved I would have given you £1,000 that we were solid friends and nothing would change that. Then zip. I’m out. She stayed matey with my friends, work colleagues..anyone I’d introduced her to who still lived in the same area! Then she took me off her Facebook friends list but stayed friends with them!! I was gobsmacked. I never ever spoke to her again though. I’ve never mentioned her name to anyone again ever. I won’t give her the satisfaction of knowing how much that hurt me. I really think your story should act as a warning to everyone about befriending these “popular” best mate, louder than life, school mum types. A lot of the time they are purely in it for the social network and they don’t care one jot about you personally. Not worth the effort. I’ve found that my more solid, dependable, normal friends who last the distance don’t even have Facebook accounts. There is something in that I’m sure.

I agree about the “loud, popular, social, school gate Mum” - it really is a case of Queen Bee and Wannabees in her fragile hierarchical system - she has to be top dog and in control. Always v competitive underneath (children, money, looks, career) - always social climbing ..... looks like you inadvertently took a step up above her. Nose out of joint. Blowing hot and cold - the cold is real - the gushy phone calls fake....

I think she’s jealous, yes. I’m not sure she’s fake - possibly a creature of habit who enjoys “the gang” being around her and dislikes the recent change in circumstance? She may be struggling with all this herself.