Would you be upset if your parents left you completely out of their will & passed their entire estate to your dc instead?

[SplinterSplit]

This came to mind from reading an aibu this morning. How would you feel if your parents leap-frogged you & passed their entire estate directly to your kids instead? This is my situation & frankly, it hurts. Sadly both my parents are abusive & this is their final act of control. I know I shouldn't be bothered and should be happy for my kids good fortune but I have no other family to inherit from & it's like they just don't give a shit. My kids have already inherited a very large estate & are substantially wealthier than me. I sound green with envy don't I? It's not really about the money, I wish my kids all the luck in the world. It's just the final 'fuck off' from my own parents that hurts.

I'd feel like you. I'd accept is is what it is and it's their choice but I don't think that excludes you from equally feeling hurt.

I'd be happy that my child was being provided for. You sound ungrateful

You don't sound ungrateful OP, you sound upset. As I would be.

Are they still alive?

If they are, they sound incredibly toxic and you should seriously consider cutting them off.

This is an attempt by them to ruin your relationships both with them and also with your own children. To leave you with absolutely nothing in both financial and family terms.

No old age care for them.

How do you know this is what’s happening? Have they told you? That’s hurtful. I’d never speak to them again. Total NC after that

Oh give over, Speckled.

OP - I'd be hurt and I'd talk to DC about it.
Unless I'd raised awful children, I'd expect them to ask for a deed of variation so that the money was passed to me so they weren't complicit in my parents' abuse.

I would be very hurt by it....but I wouldn't have allowed them to develop a relationship with my DC if they wete so abusive.

I don't see why they should enjoy the benefit of grandchildren, when they are nasty to me.

So we would have all been cut off, or they would have fallen in line and changed their abusive behaviour towards me, or they wouldn't have had my DC having anything to do with them.

Then they could leave all their money to charity if they wanted.

I would feel very hurt

would you want their money though op? chin up, be proud

I’d be upset too.

My “final fuck off “ from my abusive parents was to leave all their money ( about half a million ) to my sibling’s child and not a penny to me or my kids. So cheer up, it could be worse .

You don't sound ungrateful at all, (there's always one )
It's hurtful, I do think you should be re evaluating your relationship with them though, take back some control irrespective of the financial thing.

This happened to me but with only uncle. Seemed very odd. My children don't know yet as it is in trust, but they are better off than I will ever be.

I just let it go because they have many financial disadvantages, house prices etc. and the relative is dead so what can I do? But a different decision would have been life altering for me.

Yes. It would hurt.

Just to add...I don't the extent of their abuse but I am a bit perplexed when I see threads where posters talk if abusive parents, yet they allow them to have a relationship with their children.

This isn't a case of historical abuse, but ongoing abusive behaviour.

My parents love their grandchildren, but if they were abusive to me, my children would not want a relationship with them. Their loyalty lies with me.

I wouldn't personally mind but I would know that my parents were doing it for the right reasons but obviously it's different if it's being done out of spite

In different circumstances, if you were very financially secure and your DC were just starting out then it might be a good idea

Think it also depends on how it has been communicated and the reasons given

My dad did this last year. Wrote me and my DB out of his will and left everything in trust for his only GC, my DS.
It's shit and his way of showing us he didn't like it when we didn't do exactly what he wanted.
Karma is a great thing though, because my dad's dad died this year and changed his will 3 days before he died to split his estate into 1/4's to include me and my brother which reduced my dad's inheritance by half!

I don’t know. All other factors aside, if we were financially comfortable, then why not? Saves a wodge of inheritance tax, and we’d probably give it to the kids in some form anyway.

My real concern is what age the children are. We have a lot of probate solicitors in the family and without exception they say that giving large sums of money to people under 25 never ends well. There’s no way I would want my 18 year olds to come into hundreds of thousands of pounds (not unrealistic if they are benefiting from a house sale, for example). Even the most responsible 18 year old doesn’t have the experience to make good long term decisions.

It would hurt of course, especially as you state they were abusive and this is a final act of control. However, how amazing that they have an estate to pass down, your children are Incredibly lucky, and this will be life altering. If trends continue, it will be incredibly difficult financially to gain homeownership, and this will certainly help.

I suspect the same will happen to me. Up until recently I planned to not give a shit about it but a friend pointed out that this would mean I’d really struggle at retirement (abusive relationships have left me struggling already) and why would I want to burden the children with that? So, I’ll be contesting and I won’t feel ashamed or grabby about it. Sod ‘em. My mother’s abusiveness set me up for accepting abusive men as ‘normal’ which effectively ruined my life. Contesting will be seen as my compensation and a little bit of the stability and peace of mind I’ve never had. Both my children’s fathers have well off families.

Hmmm ... tough one:

I'm the named executor in my mother's will and I know what it contains: I'm to get a few bits and bobs of emotional significance and my sister is getting everything else. And while this all makes a lot of sense (I'm a lot more affluent than either of my parents - my sister has basically been broke for the last two decades), I still feel hurt to some degree. Especially since, by naming me executor, mum shows that she knows exactly how this came about (i.e. me being the stable, hard-working, sensible and reliable sibling), and it does feel as though she's punishing me for being capable and rewarding my sister for being the flakey, unreliable, happy go lucky one.

OTOH, everyone is free to write their will whichever way they please, so long as it's legal and they're of sound mind. Not ours to contest.

Obviously in the minority here, but this is exactly what I am hoping for. I have my own income, pension etc, and although things are down to the bone some months, and there are things we can't do, I consider it my responsibility to sort. I want nothing from my parents. However, it is not up to me to disadvantage the next generation and an inheritance may help them get on the housing ladder etc. Also, my parents were awful parents to me, but they are ok with my kids, perhaps because they only see them for a couple of hours every few months, which is all the contact I can stomach.

My Mother (toxic) has told me this is what she intends to do.
Only sometimes it's 'I won't make a will so you'd better be 'very nice' to my husband and your half brother in case I die first'.
It used to upset me. Then I realised that's what she wanted.
And to try to potentially put a wedge in between my children and me.

When the time comes she will do as she pleases - it's her money.
It will hurt a bit yes. But she won't achieve her greater aims.
And she will reveal herself as more spiteful than if she had left it all to Battersea Dogs Home (for example).

From my nice parents and in-laws, I wouldn't be bothered. We are ok, our children face much more expensive houses and stagnant wages plus hefty student loans for one child. As an act of control or continued abuse, I would view it the same way as you do.

If it had been discussed with me I would feel relieved that my children were secure.

If it was done without consultation and as part of a toxic pattern I would be hurt and upset.

On the other hand if the relationship was that bad I would be glad that they had at least left provision for my kids, unlike the Pp.

Trying to eke out my resources and manage to live while ensuring I do leave something to set my kids up is a worry for me, so knowing that I could downsize and spend the difference etc would free me up a bit.

But it is the emotional transaction that hurts.

Sorry OP