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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be upset if your parents left you completely out of their will & passed their entire estate to your dc instead?

75 replies

SplinterSplit · 15/04/2019 07:33

This came to mind from reading an aibu this morning. How would you feel if your parents leap-frogged you & passed their entire estate directly to your kids instead? This is my situation & frankly, it hurts. Sadly both my parents are abusive & this is their final act of control. I know I shouldn't be bothered and should be happy for my kids good fortune but I have no other family to inherit from & it's like they just don't give a shit. My kids have already inherited a very large estate & are substantially wealthier than me. I sound green with envy don't I? It's not really about the money, I wish my kids all the luck in the world. It's just the final 'fuck off' from my own parents that hurts.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 15/04/2019 08:05

Another one here.

She is still alive and is already using who she will leave her money to as control. Let alone as control from beyond the grave.

Firstly I’m not worried about it until she actually dies. She will probably leave it to a cats home in the end after another 20 years of misery. Whatever. So she can try it, but I’m dropping the rope.

And secondly, if my kids do get something (although she hasn’t met the second and probably won’t) it means we don’t have to worry about helping them with a house deposit or whatever else they could use it for in years to come.

This all came up after I made my peace with her toxicity, so doesn’t hurt as much as it would have if i hadnt have realised.

Oldbutstillgotit · 15/04/2019 08:06

You don’t sound ungrateful, you sound sad and I get that . My Mum left everything to DB ( Golden Child). I was hurt .

RickyGold · 15/04/2019 08:08

I think it depends on your age, if you are 50s/60s, mortgage paid off decent pension it makes sense to leave the majority to gc, but if it is done to spite you I understand why you would be upset

StripeyChina · 15/04/2019 08:08

Re: allowing a relationship with abusive grandparents

they can be okay with grandchildren, or not, it needs 'watching'

In my case it seemed that, on the 4 occasions my Mother has met my children (aged 14 and 12) she was fine with them - far more affectionate than she ever was with me, although there was quite a lot of 'tell Nanny you love her, give Nanny a kiss' which they were awkward about as they basically don't know her (she never phones or writes either).

But last summer she said to my eldest: 'oh, you don't know your Mum and her 'secrets' - I will tell you some time' - in front of me too.
So i told him that sadly I'd been abused as a child and she had known but chosen not to deal with it. He accepted that. We won't meet again as I don't want him drawn into anything that belongs to the past and I had thought she could manage boundaries, but clearly not.

StripeyChina · 15/04/2019 08:11

sorry hope that didnt derail, just struck a chord.

yes, OP, it sounds like it's being done to 'make a point' rather than purely for financial practicalities (you don't need the money, them starting out)
so it IS hard not to feel hurt by that. At least the kids will benefit I guess!

Imadehimlikethat · 15/04/2019 08:18

In your situation it's done to hurt you so I'd try and at least act to them that this is fine, and in private process it that this is why it's been done and the best fuck off you can give them is to truly accept it and move on.

Without the toxicity, it would depend on family situation. DS is 3 and I had to quit work to care for him. We live in rented accommodation and money is fine but, for example, yearly UK holiday is paid for by MIL. Money in DS's bank account for the next 15 years accruing interest isn't particularly in his best interest atm. So practically, some put aside for him and some that we can use for security now would make more sense

Imadehimlikethat · 15/04/2019 08:19

Conversely if I worked, owned a home and kids were reaching independence, then it would be less of an issue

SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 08:19

they can be okay with grandchildren, or not, it needs 'watching'

I suppose so, but I really don't think I'd be willing to even give them a chance with my DC if they were abusive.

Unless I'd received an admission of their wrong doing and an apology....they wouldn't get to meet them.

I know someone who had an abusive mother, who saw it fit to tell her grandaughter her mother was raped. Not something the mum wanted her DD to know. The grandmother still refuses to accept this was wrong. When she told me, I did think... why would you let this nasty person have the pleasure of grandchildren.

I do think it's craving affection from the abuser.

Thankssomuch · 15/04/2019 08:22

You don’t sound ungrateful. I have experienced something along similar lines and it is incredibly upsetting. One thing that came out of it for me is that I have made a will leaving my estate divided equally between my three children - and that won’t change, regardless of their individual circumstances later in life. Chin up and be philosophical about it. No other choice really.

Lisette1940 · 15/04/2019 08:24

This is likely to happen to me. My parents have real emotional difficulties and are abusive to one another and then to others around them. I'd be happy if they treated each other well and spent every last penny that they had enjoying themselves. But they lead a miserable life, not able to connect with people and falling out all the time. They've always used money to control others. I'll be hurt when I'm left out of the will but not having functional parents hurts more. Be good to yourself OP.

grasspigeons · 15/04/2019 08:26

I think it would hurt. I would be delighted my children were provided for. But I would feel hurt my parents didn't want me to have a secure future. The principle of leaving stuff to your own children is that they are very likely to leave stuff to their children or give gifts to their children out of it whilst still alive unless they actually need it to live off and you'd think most parents would want their own child to have something they needed. Although I guess some people fritter it away.

CustardD123 · 15/04/2019 08:31

Hi OP,
What you are feeling is totally understandable - just think at least despite everything, your kids get to benefit (rather than money going elsewhere to e.g. her friends or a cat shelter or government or something)

LittleCandle · 15/04/2019 08:31

DF asked me to look at his will. I did, and discovered he had split his money equally with me and my DC. He was as pleased as punch about this as 'we all meant the same to him'. I was hurt. As his only child - and at that point having to go to the hospital 3 and 4 times a day as he was desperately ill - I felt pushed aside for my own DC. I told him I was hurt and why. He couldn't see it at all, but it was his money to do with as he pleased. He called his lawyer in and told him to change it so I got have and the DC split the other half. He also told the lawyer I told him to do it. I happened to be there when he did this, so was able to tell the lawyer that I said nothing of the sort! He did go through with the change, although he could not see why I had been upset. Apparently to him I meant no more to him than his grandchildren; there was nothing special about me. Of course, it was around that point in time he told me that he was disappointed that I had been educated beyond school, as he expected that I would give up my life to look after him forever. He wasn't a bad man, just came from a very odd family, was socially awkward, and had some old fashioned ideas.

CoisNaFarraige · 15/04/2019 08:32

.

stillworkingitout · 15/04/2019 08:40

My father had a terrible relationship with his abusive parents, and they were pretty shitty grandparents at times too (everything had strings attached, invitations were not invitations but demands). When they died they did just this - it’s a pragmatic solution, my dad’s generation are at a stage in their lives where the inheritance makes much less difference to them than us. For the GC we are not talking about a huge some of money, but a decent house deposit, security, providing for our own children. It’s made an enormous difference to me, though I guess maybe my dad did feel bad. Maybe it depends on your situation and how much difference the money would make.

HoppingPavlova · 15/04/2019 08:41

Same is happening here. Nothing controlling or spiteful about it in our case. There was no discussion just telling us what had been done. The rationale being our kids will face a much different financial future than we did given house prices, labour markets etc. The only thing we were unhappy about was their will specified if they died the money was to be held in trust for each child until they were 18yo. Who in their right mind gives 18yo’s large sums of money? We thought it would be more sensible to specify 25. Apart from that we have no issues with it whatsoever.

pissedonatrain · 15/04/2019 08:43

My mum played us off each other for years about this; constantly changing her will to whomever was in her good favour at the time. I really didn't give a shite about her will.

After she passed, every thing she had said was a lie and her estate was so messed up but it looked like she had left everything to 1 of the 3 of us siblings so she was doing her best to abuse us from the grave.

I flew in from overseas and spent a good 2 weeks cleaning up her hoarder mess. The 3 of us sat down and went over every thing and divided up the estate. It was kinda funny because nobody really wanted anything. It ended up well though with everyone happy. The only thing I took was a brooch of a spider to remind me of her.

The good thing about all of this is that none of us siblings have fought since her death and we enjoy a close relationship.

I guess the main point is not to let people manipulate you with money and wills. Don't expect anything from abusive parents.

StripeyChina · 15/04/2019 08:46

SandyY2K

I think in my case it is that I didn't want my kids not to have 'grandparents' (we are a tiny family). In reality, she has barely bothered with them apart from the 3 smothering visits and as soon as she started to go wonky I have distanced it and eldest knows (roughly) why. I do know another person whose awful parents have been just fine with grandkids. But mine couldn't manage it.I guess I know I tried?

So, CAN you contest a will if it is left to your children not you?
I didn't know that?

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/04/2019 08:49

It could be a way of ensuring that it goes where they want eg if they leave to you , it could be diluted by an H or partner .

GylesYronwood · 15/04/2019 08:50

I do know someone who has recently changed their will to this, but because they don't like their child's partner, consider him abusive and don't think that the marriage will last. They don't want him to get any of their money on divorce, so it's going straight to their gc. I pointed out that their dd might need money to leave him, or to start again after a separation, but apparently she's affluent and could do that anyway, and is in full agreement with them.

Different in your case op, when it's being done out of spite. Yes I'd be hurt too.

DonDadaOnTheDownLow · 15/04/2019 08:51

My abusive parents will be leaving over 1 million to my children - in trust - which they will have access to when they turn 30.

Meanwhile I'm a single mum and for health reasons am unable to work FT. We do OK, but it's a struggle. But this is an act of control - they'd rather see my children struggle for the next 20+ years than risk me getting my hands on a solitary penny and blowing it on an electricity bill... or school shoes or something insanely extravagent like that.

AJPTaylor · 15/04/2019 08:51

I would be hurt.

fourcanaries · 15/04/2019 09:03

I have made a will doing similar. My son will get a very small percentage and his children will get the rest of his share. The reason for this is because two years ago my son cut me off completely and as a result I felt I didn't want him to benefit in any way from my death. Any children of his are innocent in this and hence leaving it to them.

Also by leaving my son something if he were to contest the will (his siblings get their full share) it's unlikely the will would be over turned as he has been provided for, albeit at a very reduced amount.

I know this is perhaps different to your situation but could something have made your parents make the decision they have...do they dislike your husband etc.

I'm sorry if there's no reasonable explanation but the inheritance was never yours by right and at least your children will benefit.

tattyheadsmum · 15/04/2019 09:09

@fourcanaries, but why did he do that? I'm NC with one parent and it's not a decision I took lightly. It came about after years of having been let down and disappointed by them. Perhaps, rather than trying to punish your son (again, probably) you should take a look at your own behaviour and see if it is a relationship that can be fixed.

joan12 · 15/04/2019 09:11

What hurts most as someone else said was not having functioning parents in the first place. It took me decades to come anywhere near making peace with that. I couldn't care less about their money for myself. Any enjoyment I would have of a larger house or a holiday would be poisoned by knowing where the money came from.

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