If your mother was a depressed alcoholic have you been able to form successful relationships

[SurveyUser]

And if you have siblings, have they managed it? Is it hardest for the eldest sibling do you think? Do you have a family where some siblings managed it?

Any ACOCs just accept being single for ever as the best course of action ? Being with somebody feels nice for a while and then quickly it feels like nothing but anxiety and then if the anxiety passes it feels stifling. (Have had psychotherapy btw) On the rare ocassions that I get past the first six weeks with somebody I find I don't know how to do the companionable silence thing. Well, not ''silence'' but just sitting comfortably. I think I panic if it's quiet.

@Woodinpencil, I totally relate to the thing about being good at reading people...I am constantly hyper vigilant and on the look out for changes in other people's moods, which can be a bit exhausting :(

I only mentioned his drinking in one post!

but yes, it is hard to be objective about whether or not somebody else's drinking is too much. I would like a partner who also stopped after two and only did that twice a week but it isnt reasonable to expect somebody else to have drinking habits that match yours exactly.

I don't know if i am catastrophising somebody else's drinking.

This thread has helped me a lot.

@rumred - Sorry, I missed your post yesterday. What about approaching your previous therapist and asking their opinion? It might be that they would work with you again but this time at a deeper level.

It took me several attempts to stay in therapy - and there were a lot of compelling reasons not to, including geographic relocations. But they were still avoidance mechanisms. I've been with my current therapist for nearly 10 years now.

@SurveyUser - Let me know what you think of the book :)

@WoodInPencil - I've had loads of counselling so know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I'm very self aware now. Of course, what I'm finding is that men generally aren't and then that's frustrating.

I have found this too. Most men I meet are frustratingly un-self-aware. Therapy narrows the field of prospects quite dramatically. Then there are those men who are self-aware as a means of manipulation; they have just enough insight to use it as a weapon, and as a defence. They're worse, imo.

I'm a relatively complicated person. What I need is either someone who is complicated but accountable; or someone who is comfortable in their own skin, and consistent.

I used to want excitement. Now I find consistency exciting - and it doesn't have to mean 'boring'.

My mum and dad were alcoholics. I’ve been married to my DH for 30 years and it’s nice BUT I know I married him to get out the house, I’m not saying I didn’t/don’t love him, but it felt like it was the right/only choice I had at the time.

I suffer from terrible self esteem, like I’m not worth it, I’m not enough because if my parents couldn’t give up their addictions for me, then I’m just not good enough. I’ve had counselling upon counselling upon counselling for about 8 years solid, and it didn’t change how I felt about myself. One of my councillors said they had Never dealt with anyone like me in all their years as a therapist (and he had been a therapist for 30 years at that point, and he was the person I was recommended to go to from some one from al-anon).

I suffer from terrible anxiety, and when I’m real adult children of alcoholics, I thought that’s me to a T.

I will also say, I often fantasise what my life would be life if my mum and dad weren’t alcoholics, and I do that now at the age of 47, and I dream how different my life would have been like.

This is another truth. The men i date arent as emotionally healthy as I am. :-/

but it isnt reasonable to expect somebody else to have drinking habits that match yours exactly

It might well be reasonable - a partner if they cared deeply about you and were respectful of your childhood trauma could reasonably adjust to prevent it triggering you. If they couldn’t / wouldn’t I would be concerned enough to suggest you were not compatible.