If your mother was a depressed alcoholic have you been able to form successful relationships

[SurveyUser]

And if you have siblings, have they managed it? Is it hardest for the eldest sibling do you think? Do you have a family where some siblings managed it?

Any ACOCs just accept being single for ever as the best course of action ? Being with somebody feels nice for a while and then quickly it feels like nothing but anxiety and then if the anxiety passes it feels stifling. (Have had psychotherapy btw) On the rare ocassions that I get past the first six weeks with somebody I find I don't know how to do the companionable silence thing. Well, not ''silence'' but just sitting comfortably. I think I panic if it's quiet.

Oh and just to add, elder sibling is much the same and has been single for many years.

My brother has managed to have a successful relationship. However, all three of us siblings have all had relationships with alcoholics, and his current partner is an alcoholic (clean).

I find myself attracted to such people but I have got much better at realising this, and stopping matters before it goes too far.

A slightly different issue perhaps but illustrates that to be raised by alcoholics means you are really primed to accept second best in relationships.

Relationship counselling is exactly what I need! I am so content in my own company. I'm not hiding from my own thoughts.

I think you've misunderstood what relationship counselling is, SurveyUser.

Relationship counselling is for people in relationships and usually involves the couple going at the same time, and then individually too.

You need psychotherapy, which is still about relationships (it always is): it works entirely around the dynamics between you and the therapist, and, believe me, everything comes up.

I write this as someone who has a certificate in psychodynamic counselling, and who also trained as a therapist.

And you are hiding from your own thoughts. We all do. It's just that we don't know that we are.

But if you're unwilling to accept that that's what you're doing, then I'm not sure what any kind of therapy can do.

Put it this way: if you can't do relationships, then the common denominator in all of your experiences with partners, is you. So it is about going back to the drawing board.

You will no doubt be hugely resistant to this, though - to the point where you'll say it is nothing to do with you as an individual, and everything to do with what happens when you're with someone else.

These two things are inseparable.

These things are latent inside you and are triggered by another person. But that doesn't mean they disappear when that person isn't there; they just die down. You would probably find, if you're in therapy, the extent to which you weren't aware how much these have been shaping your life, whether in close partnership, with friends, with people you happen to meet, with your professional relationships, and even your relationship to things, and to life itself.

I do agree with that so im not hugely resistant at all. But I know Im further along in the growth than Im being credited with iyswim!

Im not at all resistant to a bit of therapy 🛋

I was the oldest, in the situation you describe. Had friends, but no relationships for many years. And I did loads of growth stuff, etc etc, but never changed it.

Then did a year and a half of psychotherapy, twice weekly. Met lovely man, have been married for twelve years, together for fifteen.

Therapy is not like any other sort of change, it altered me utterly and I cannot precisely explain how, but it worked.

This thread has given me a much needed kick up the bum. I struggle so much with intimate relationships, not friendships, and I'm at a really difficult point in my life. Reading these posts helped me see I need more help. The self help is useful but as stated, has its limits.
I've had therapy in the past and found it useful. My issue is do I go back to the therapist I saw a few years ago and liked and felt helped or do I need a new perspective?
AFistfulofDolores1 any advice?

My psychotherapist in the past was all about how I felt about myself. It helped a lot and not gave me the tools to work on myself on my own too. That's why I want therapy with a different agenda now. I want it to focus on relational issues.

That's so encouraging @onsen. Is your DH from a 'normal' family set up?

I guess then it depends on what modality of psychotherapy you had. For example, in psychodynamic therapy, my therapist was primarily interested in how I felt about them - I personally find that one still very challenging to navigate ... hence still being in psychotherapy :)

Yes i have been googling this. You can have a healthy self esteem but still struggle with "self differentiation". This is me.

Yes. That's me too when I'm in relationships. I needed to mould myself around the needs of my parents to get their love (i.e. to be what I felt they wanted me to be), and to avoid their anger and disapproval. I did this so very well that I lost myself. It became such a skill that I could seduce men easily by being what they wanted. I didn't even realise I was doing it! It's hard to learn that, and to live like, there is such a thing as being loveable just as you are.

It's even harder to find out who you are.

This book was a really good read if you haven't read it before:

"Who is it that can tell me who I am?" by Jayne Haynes.

My maternal grandmother was a depressive alcoholic. My mum was the oldest of 3 siblings and was essentially left to care for them. GM also married an abusive and controlling man later so my mum had to live with him around also. He was an enabler and made sure my GM always had good access to her alcohol! My mum has had 3 long standing relationships in her life. The first husband died very young, the second (my dad) I think she married for security as she didn’t want to be a single mother (already had my brother at that point). She didn’t ever truly love him. That relationship lasted around 13 years odd before they divorced. She then rushed into another marriage with the 3rd man who was financially inept and an abusive narcissistic dickhead! They were together 22 years (although marriage was dead in the water long before). They are now divorced and she has had one chaotic relationship with another controlling man which lasted a year. She’s now single. So in answer to your question, no I don’t think she managed it wholeheartedly even if she had some long standing marriages!

Haven't read all replies, so apologies if repeating. Adult child of alcoholic/ depressed/ bi-polar mother and alcoholic violent step-father. I am oldest child and had a 'looking after' role in my family. I am happily married, and have been for 20 years, however, I am definitely aware that I am hard-wired to be a 'fixer'. DH was diagnosed with autism 10 years into our marriage and I realise that I am still very much in that 'looking after' role, and that his need for looking after may well have been a big part of the initial appeal. That said, we truly are very happy, pretty functional, and have learned to co-parent and have a 'normal' relationship despite neither of us having witnessed this growing up.
I struggle with some anxiety/ ED/ OCD which I think are probably related to childhood, and have a very strong sense of being different/ less than people from 'proper families, but relationship-wise, I'm doing ok.
Younger brother, however, has never had a successful relationship, has huge issues with trust and intimacy, and told me recently he doesn't know how to be happy.

Just to add, had series of disastrous, often abusive relationships with addicts in teens until I met DH who is lifelong teetotsller.

@vegpatch it’s interesting you say you feel you’re hard wired to be a ‘fixer’. My mother worked in a caring capacity (nurse) for around 25 years! I also believe she is a he’s wired ‘fixer’ judging by her past relationships. She’s been to coucelling twice (NHS) following her recent divorce but has never tried psychotherapy. Perhaps I will advise her of this after reading the replies.

this is all really fascinating. My mother was an alcoholic with severe mental health problems and was sectioned from when I was very young for long periods. I am an eldest child and I am a true 'fixer' too. I had very successful relationships when I was younger but as I've got older, I've found it a lot harder. I can be extremely intolerant and find that once I've made my mind up about someone, I can't change it. I was married for a long time but once exh did something to me (not violent, he was just a prick), I couldn't recover from it and it ended up in divorce. Since then, I have not had one healthy and successful relationship with a man and that was 10 years ago. I'm seeing someone now but I can feel it breaking down.

I'm also late 40s. I don't know what it is really. I find myself drawn to men I want to fix because I'm so naturally comfortable in that role but they are the wrong men for me to be with. I then have to force myself to try and find men who aren't like that but find they are generally quite boring. I'm in a no win situation!

I've had loads of counselling so know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I'm very self aware now. Of course, what I'm finding is that men generally aren't and then that's frustrating. I was told eldest children of very bipolar mothers are extremely good at trying to read people and predict what's coming next - because as children you become ultra aware to mood swings so learn to look for the signs.

Hi, SurveyUser, I think something my therapist said might change how you think about therapy.

She explained that in psychodynamic therapy, you basically replay the relationships you have with the world with the therapist. So it needs to be more regular and longer, and it will follow the patterns you usually follow. But because it is a therapeutic relationship, you also have the space and safety and professional support to work out what’s going on, why it’s like that, and how to change it if that’s what you want.

It’s less of a short fix than counselling, and it’s not for everyone (including me, because actually my problem was undiagnosed ADHD and ASD!), but it sounds like it might be what you’re looking for.

@AFistfulofDolores1 Tue 16-Apr-19 08:06:02

that is it exactly, i am an ENFJ to boot (or did my parents make me an enfj?) but I was so hardwired to ignore any feeling, need or any desire I had myself and instead to have a heightened awareness of other people's needs and feelings. Well, not just people. Like not somebody sitting two desks away. People I'm in a relationship with. I have really raised my boundaries over the last 10 years or so though, and really developed a sense of my self. That is part one, i feel good that that part is well underway :-)

Right now though, wow, well, feeling like an idiot, but I have been seeing this man (actually I think I mentioned this, yes that was the whole point of the thread) but he drinks more than I want a partner to drink. He's not an alcoholic. He's not a partner. But I think I was in denial about how I want to live healthily and do a real variety of things socially, eat and drink yes but also, walk, read, learn, film, theatre, create art, sit with my own thoughts and do nothing, walk crap on netflix. A mixture of things. But shit. He is away this week and I'm feeling relieved that I can eat healthily and not have any alcohol at all, and just do ''self-care'' (hair, dentist etc) and just reverse the burn out of a ft job and kids. He is not an alcoholic. I just don't think that we're on the same page and it's dawning on me that this isn't what I want in my life. I want 'health' in everything. Relationships and in my lifestyle.

I am going to order that book now.

@allfednonedead Is it true that you play out the same relationship with your therapist as you fall back in to in a relationship?! I felt ''put on the defensive'' with my therapist. But my x had put me on trial (it felt) for years. So I felt that the therapist didn't understand. I did behave in a defensive way but that did not mean that what she said to me didn't penetrate. It did. I just didn't react in a very gracious appreciative way right in the moment of hearing it first.

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That’s the theory. And that’s why it takes time, because you also need to build enough trust with the therapist to be able to go ‘ok, now I’m on the defensive. Why is that?’ out loud.

I don’t think it’s easy, and it won’t make you not you, but it should help you take some control of some things.

Could your current relationship be an issue? You have mentioned your BF’s drinking and “non alcoholism” at least 5 times. Is it triggering you? Are you worried that you are seeing something and ignoring it or equally over reacting to it?

To answer your question, yes, his family are quite terrifyingly normal.

And what @allfednonedead says is completely true. You learn to trust in a safe space, and to get over your fears - and then you can bring that knowledge back into the rest of your life.

But also, what you are saying about not hearing what your therapist said. This happened to me a lot, and she would say something over and over until eventually I 'got' it. Sometimes you are not yet ready to understand something, but just have faith that this moment will come. In a few cases, I have understood things she said - that is understood with my whole self, not just my head - years after I stopped seeing her.