Dp appears to not want to come out for my birthday meal with friends

[WoodInPencil]

I have been seeing dp for 9 months. It's my birthday in a few weeks time and I have 3 friends who coincidentally have birthdays within a week of mine so we always do a meal for our combined friends (6 couples plus me).

I told dp about this date ages ago. The restaurant where we are going needs pre orders so I asked him last week and he said oh sorry he couldn't come because a friend of his who he hadn't seen for a year had announced he was over from the US and only here that one night and he needed to see him. I was a bit pissed off but thought fair enough. I thought I would double check so asked again yesterday and he had clearly forgotten his first excuse as he told me something different

Now if he didn't want to come I would rather he told me. I feel a bit of a pillock as these friends haven't met dp and I thought this would be a good chance etc and now I'm the only one going who isn't in a couple. I wasn't actually upset until today when I had a chance to think about it.

There are some other niggling things just not right - AIBU In seeing this in a pretty bad light or am I being a bit over dramatic?

I wouldn’t like the feeling of being ‘penciled in’ either. Also, the lying would be unacceptable.

Six couples is a lot tbh

I hate gatherings of my husband's friends even though I like them all individually

It just gets a bit raucous

I spoke to him tonight. It's nothing to do with him feeling uncomfortable - he is going out to dinner with his friend and others as he is here for Easter.

I had a long chat with him about how I had asked him ages ago, how I'm now on my own and everyone else is in a couple and how I was disappointed. If it wasn't a special thing, I actually wouldn't have minded.

He said he is very very sorry, that he really likes me, that he loves me, that he had a hideous relationship where it all got intense too quickly and he is trying to maintain a healthy balance between seeing me and seeing his friends and this friend is incredibly important to him and he hasn't seen him for more than a year.

'He's just not that into me'. Gavel.

Sorry, OP. He should be feeling terrible and desperately trying to make it up to you, not spinning you that lame BS about taking things slowly after NINE MONTHS.

Maybe he just hates doing 'couple things'? 6 couples who you've never met before is a lot to deal with, especially if he's feeling vulnerable about losing his job. I'm pretty sociable but I have going out as 'couples'. It always smacks of Noah's Ark to me and I just don't like it. Even when I like people individually, the whole coupley thing is just urgh.

I fear your gavel is correct OP. Sorry.

Does he have to see the friend on that very same night?

I think you’re right sorry.

Tend to agree with Hundred, I have been married 30 years but hate going out with other couples on social nights out; the chances of you really getting on with all the other individuals are virtually nil; the thought of doing that when I have been dating for a few months would be hideous. Even after so many years of marriage my DH and I have separate groups of friends.

That's pants, onwards and upwards

Yep, I guess OP needs to have a plus one at these things and is uncomfortable alone though. Which is her choice. I'm sure she will have no trouble finding a boyfriend who is up for that.

I also hate couple things and so married a man with similar views.

What a crap excuse. It has nothing to do with a friend and girlfriend balance, this is your birthday meal and he should be supporting you. You’re not a priority to this man and I’d dump him ASAP.

That’s really shitty of him. You shouldn’t have been the one to have to initiate this conversation. He should have spoken to you as soon as he found out about the friend’s visit. Instead he’s given you vague, contradictory excuses and up until now not told you that he’s planned an alternative dinner on the night of your birthday. Then he tries to justify it by blaming his past relationship. If he hates couples stuff then fair enough but if that’s genuinely the case then he should have said so all along. There’s absolutely no excuse for the crap excuses, bad communication and letting organise this dinner for your birthday when he’s known for yonks that he’s made other plans. That to me is the problem, not whether or not he enjoys dinner with other couples. OP, I’m sorry but I’m inclined to agree that you’re not a priority to him

Why can’t he invite friend to your birthday meal? Kill two birds?

Ragwart and hundred I also don't really like dinners with multiple couples, they are always awkward and boring, but I'd be willing to put up with it once as a birthday treat for a relatively new partner.

And if I did skip it, I'd make sure my excuse was watertight so as not to offend said partner. So I still think he's acted pretty poorly here.

So what are you going to do, op ?

Is it possible he is just terrified of meeting 6 couples he has never met before?

Im wondering same.

The thought of sitting round a table with 6 couples I haven't met + eating a meal fills me with horror. Im not a particularly shy lerson but this wouldn't be for me, chomping & convo no way. Different. if met them before in more informal fashion.

However I would diplomatically tell my DP, especially if I knew everyone else would be with their partner, and DP on his own at his special occasion.

He's not worried about meeting people believe me, I might have thought that for a second but he isn't.

anyfucker I won't do anything this week. I am actually out with friends myself every night then the adult dcs are over for Easter so I will enjoy all of that. We don't live together and because of his alternative plans, I won't see him for a while. I don't believe in having serious conversations over text or phone so I will wait till the next time we see each other before I have the chat. I'm too long in the tooth to spend my days wishing someone was spending time with me when they aren't.

I don't mind him having a social life and I absolutely don't mind doing stuff on my own. But this was a special occasion and it's the only real thing I've asked of him since we met so I don't think I was expecting too much! And it isn't only this one thing.

Don't make any decisions yet OP. Step back too. Let him feel that you've completely stepped back. Not as invested, not referring to him as your partner. Just someone you see occasionally.
Start looking around. It isn't game playing. It's taking time out to evaluate.
Now you are emotional because it's embarrassing to turn up without him. But 6 new couples were a lot to push on him at once. You can say that. "He was spooked at meeting 6 couples at once, so I'll take it slowly and have you all over to dinner in smaller numbers.
Happy Birthday!

You've nailed it. He's just not that into you and it's all about him. End it and move on. You know enough to know the excuses don't hold water.

It's easy to say end it, but she doesn't say it was a bad relationship. Who knows if she'll find someone she is as compatible with. Maybe he is taking it slowly and not 100% yet. We all warn people to slow down on her and enjoy the dating phase.
A relationship can't be on only one person's terms. If we flipped it to a female saying that she has only been seeing a man for 9 months, but he has arranged a big meal out with 12 friends who all know each other. She won't know anyone, she has just been made redundant and has a good friend visiting the UK that eve who she would really like to see. What would we all tell that OP? That missing one meal shouldn't be a deal breaker.

Yeah. He’s not that into you.

You’re being a better woman that I would be. I’d dump his arse by text!

Yes to everything @Expressedways said.

What appalling behavior. If the restaurant hadn’t needed the pre-orders, you would likely still be in the dark. And what happened to his second excuse?

Although he knows how important this occasion is to you, he has really blown you off with his poor manners and thoughtless attitude.

Diana, I wholly agree with that post.

I agree with Diana, nine months ‘dating’ isn’t really that long (& why call someone a ‘partner’ when surely he is a boyfriend ?). To be ‘presented’ to this group of friends makes it seem really serious, I would be very wary in that position as a mature person, it’s not like teenagers or people in their early 20s who love to show off their new boy/girl friend.

But if you feel there are other ‘niggles’ about the relationship maybe it is time to ‘review’ the whole situation, but not make it just about the dinner.

Be a priority, not an option. Do not drag this out further by waiting for you to have a chat with him, you have other niggles about him as it is.

If its not right then its not right, do not deny your own feelings here. I think you're being slotted into this man's life as and when he feels like it because he is really not that into you.