Dp appears to not want to come out for my birthday meal with friends

[WoodInPencil]

I have been seeing dp for 9 months. It's my birthday in a few weeks time and I have 3 friends who coincidentally have birthdays within a week of mine so we always do a meal for our combined friends (6 couples plus me).

I told dp about this date ages ago. The restaurant where we are going needs pre orders so I asked him last week and he said oh sorry he couldn't come because a friend of his who he hadn't seen for a year had announced he was over from the US and only here that one night and he needed to see him. I was a bit pissed off but thought fair enough. I thought I would double check so asked again yesterday and he had clearly forgotten his first excuse as he told me something different

Now if he didn't want to come I would rather he told me. I feel a bit of a pillock as these friends haven't met dp and I thought this would be a good chance etc and now I'm the only one going who isn't in a couple. I wasn't actually upset until today when I had a chance to think about it.

There are some other niggling things just not right - AIBU In seeing this in a pretty bad light or am I being a bit over dramatic?

Yeah that's pretty shitty of him. Have you asked him what's up?

Has he met all your friends previously?

Lies and bullshit are never a good omen. Time for a big conversation I think

Seems suspect to me.
What other niggles have you felt??

No I haven't had a chance as he's with his dcs this weekend and I wanted to have the conversation face to face

He has arranged a meal out for me and him for my birthday so it's not like he's not doing anything - but I just feel quite let down by this.

One of my friends said he thinks he doesn't want to meet my friends because he got made redundant a few weeks ago and he thinks he's ashamed. If that's the reason I would hope he would tell me. But it's not stopping him going out with his friends etc.

Just niggles about whether he's really into this as much as I am, those sort of niggles. It's hard to explain but you know when you start getting the feeling that they are not in the same place as you...

YANBU. It’s a dinner with other couples (not just girls), you gave him loads of notice and it’s your birthday FFS. Whatever his aversion is, and who knows since he’s being doubley unreasonable by not talking to you and making up contradictory excuses, he should be able to set it aside for his girlfriend’s birthday. If it were me, I’d give him one last chance to tell the truth about why he doesn’t want to go. If the answer wasn’t satisfactory I’d be done. A liar that refuses to meet your friends should be a huge red flag. Sorry.

Thanks all. I haven't even told my friends he isn't coming as I know all of them will be v surprised unless there's a v good excuse (given the notice everyone has had).

Think I just needed to hear I wasn't being unreasonable.

Have you met his friends and family?

I've met his friends yes

Haven't met his family but he hasn't met mine so I don't think that's unusual if that makes sense (he's met my adult dcs)

Is it possible he is just terrified of meeting 6 couples he has never met before?

I think he has just demonstrated that he isn't "into this" as much as you are

It's possible UCO but he doesn't come across that way. He goes out a lot with his friends, had a job where he travelled for work...the charitable person in me thinks that might be a possibility especially with the recent job loss but I really just don't know...if it wasn't for the other niggles maybe I would be more charitable. I think the job loss has hit him very very hard (he cried the other day about it) but I would really hope that he could manage a meal out (he is out with his friends a few times a week, going to concerts etc) or at least tell me he's feeling so shit that he doesn't want to.

Yup anyfucker that's what I'm thinking sadly

You win some, you lose some

I would walk away if you wanted something more. This, coupled with your pre existing "niggles" sounds like you are on different pages

More hurt for you on the horizon if you cling on

Thanks, I think you're right. Will wait till he's back and we can have a chat face to face. I'm getting to the age now (nearing 50!) where there isn't much point to the clinging on!

You could ask him if going for the meal 'feels like pressure' because it could losing the job is hitting him harder than he lets on.
His own friends are fine. They are 'safe' because he trusts them. He doesn't trust these other people.
It's a lot to live up to. He's go to go and meet your friends and endure the 'and what do you do?' question. And the 'are you good enough?' question that always lurks in everyone's mind.

TBH there's no way I could handle meeting SIX new people at once. Especially if I had something stressful going on in my life at the same time (ie job loss.)

He may go out with his friends, but he already knows them.

I'd been with my ex nearly a year before I met any of his family, and I told him it had to be 2 people (or 2 adults plus their DC) at a time, and only one new meeting in a day. He was pretty understanding about it once I explained how anxious it made me. (In fact I ended up really getting on with his sisters and his adult DC and when we broke up I really missed them, and his DGC too.)

My other thought would be is he worried about money and not being able to pay his way?

If you don't feel able to ask him directly, perhaps suggest that you invite ONE couple round for dinner at home next weekend, and see how he reacts to that.

Can you give us more info on the other warning signs? Would make it easier to advise.

It's hard to explain but you know when you feel like you're making more effort?

So I know all about his life, he talks about it a lot and I ask questions. He doesn't ask an awful lot about mine - a bit - but it's unbalanced.

I sometimes feel like I'm being slotted in his life - like I'm not a priority. Not that I want to be number 1 but almost as though he goes through life and thinks I'll see that friend and that friend and oh yes I've got a girlfriend and I'll see her then!

He's not into the relationship as much as you are. Sounds like a "she'll do for now" scenario.

Yes I think all the signs together point to that. It's hard because he's telling me something different (how I'm the love of his life, that he is deliberately taking things slowly as he's had very intense early relationships that faded - we started off that way then both took a step back, but mine was a step, his was a bloody galaxy!) but you've always got to watch the actions and not the words.

I will have a chat with him but think I will wait till after my birthday - not that I don't want to know beforehand but I've got a lot on and don't want the sadness hanging over me! Then I can just have a fresh start afterwards.

If he's been made redundant what income does he have? Could he be worried about paying the bill? There are multiple threads on here about meals out as groups and being stiffed on the bill!