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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner does cocaine, works long hours and drinks too much ☹️

37 replies

HolBaker · 14/04/2019 10:38

Hey guys,

I’m new here. I’ve often referred to mumsnet for advice throughout my pregnancy and parenting journey but this time I feel like I need to get some real advice!

I met my partner 6 years ago when we were both living and working in a London. We both enjoyed a party but my anxiety grew more intense with each hangover as I grew older so I stopped. I fell pregnant whilst we were on a break ( a goodbye conception!) I had moved up to the Lake District
to join family up here and found out four weeks into our break.

We decided to keep the baby and he said he’d moved up here (to join his brother and wife + 3 nephews also!) and we’d start a family.

On and off we’ve gotten through. We’ve made big changes in our lives as anyone does when then bring a child into the world. But he works in the restaurant and hotel industry so the parenting is mainly left to me.

He also hasn’t been able to stop taking drugs (cocaine) and drinking. For spurts of time he can keep it a bit more under wraps but more often than not at the weekend he bowls in totally drunk and high and talking as loud as he can on the phone.

Last night he woke our toddler with how loud he was. Neither of us slept very well. We also never see him! I’ve found his drugs this morning and my living room smells like cigarettes and alcohol.

I’m not blind to how hard he works for our family or how he struggles with the work load and he had a tough upbringing etc. He’s a really lovely man blah blah but I’m totally fed up.

I had started my own market stall and business and I also care for my Nan.

What I’m asking I suppose is , should I leave/have a break/see if he can find a better balance? Or do I stay and help? I have tried that though.

He also begrudgingly looks after our daughter which is not good for her self worth.

I am moving out today to stay with my mum and dad purely due to the fact I need sleep and to stop this cycle.

Is anyone else dealing with the same or similar??

I just would love some advice xxx

Thank you xxx

Our daughter is 3 btw x

OP posts:
Rumbletum2 · 14/04/2019 10:40

LTB. No brainer. In fact you’d be irresponsible and a bad mother NOT to leave.

Mintandthyme · 14/04/2019 10:42

You have to leave him for your daughters safety if nothing else.
Does he admit that he is an addict?

category12 · 14/04/2019 10:43

You're doing the right thing in leaving. I'd advise you not to go back and try again.

Original poster
HolBaker · 14/04/2019 10:44

I think I’m indenial that he’s an addict. He doesn’t tend to do much in the week in terms of drinking or doing drugs, we can have normal family days... although he’s always tired and moody... Everytime we hit this rubbish and I see we’re in this horrible cycle x

OP posts:
Tattletale · 14/04/2019 10:45

He is bringing drugs into your house. He is not a good father. You know what you have to do.

SpinneyHill · 14/04/2019 10:47

Does he understand why it's an issue or does he see it as harmless?
Do you think it's an addiction or habitual?

If he see's it as an addiction you might be able to help him through it but if he see's it as harmless and nothing to do with his family time you have a trickier problem

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 10:49

By staying this long you have already shown poor judgment as a parent, prioritising your relationship over DD.

Leave asap. Suggest al anon and / or services for families of people with drug problems to help you to adjust how you deal with things.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2019 10:51

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You found his drugs this morning, what if your three year old had found this instead of you?. She would not have known what this is and could have consumed some.

He is not a lovely man at all if he treats you and in turn your DD like this. His needs are not more important than yours and you likely carry the vast amount of the mental load.

He is an addict and for him drugs and alcohol come first and foremost in his life along with telling you what you want to hear and lying through his teeth. So what if he had a poor upbringing; its an excuse because not all people who have this go onto become people with both alcohol and/or drug addictions.

You've been basically propping him up throughout as well as enabling him thus giving you a false sense of control. What you have tried to date has not worked.

You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship. Do move back to your parents today and stay there. A permanent break from him as well as counselling for your own self to address boundaries in relationships, enabling behaviour and codependency is necessary.

Original poster
HolBaker · 14/04/2019 10:51

He can’t cope with his job being this intense but I between working, drinking and doing drugs and feeling exhausted he can’t seem to muster any strength to seek change with work.

He’s definitely seeing it as harmless/a tool to cope right now but when it comes down to it and I show him the misery he’s causing he sees sense and for a while he gets cleaner.

He seems to really want a better life for himself but blames so much around him. I feel like leaving may give him the space and sight to make a change for himself. He needs help.

Thing is his brother is the same if not worse. Like a devil in his ear!

It’s so utterly horrible seeing him do this.

I thank you all so much for your responses xxx

OP posts:
Parker231 · 14/04/2019 10:51

A drug addict wouldn’t be allowed near my child let alone live with me.

SpinneyHill · 14/04/2019 10:53

Typing so missed the update, you're doing the right thing if he is not capable of parenting effectively. Drugs or not if he's affecting your daughter and you to this extent you have to put yourselves first.

Sorry, it's such a shitheap situation when a drug/booze user/addict can't be honest about the impact they're having on other people. You'll be banging your head against the same wall for years, it's soul destroying

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/04/2019 10:55

What's the point in him working hard if it's all going up his nose? You know that's £50 absolute minimum (!) a night he's wasting on drugs?

Unless he gets professional help and change jobs this cycle will continue, spiralling downwards. You can't help. If he doesn't want to help himself all the love and understanding in the world will do fuck all.

You deluding yourself in several ways. 1. That's he's not an addict if he skips a day or two at the weekend (If he really is?). 2. That there's such a thing as balance with an addict. 3. That you can love and support an addict out of addiction. 4. That he's working hard for his family. He's not, he's working hard to get drugs! 5. That this won't get worse. 6. That you can shock him with a break into getting clean.

Hence leave for good!

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 10:56

Your posts are all about him. His situation is sad, but is his responsibility to address.

Your primary responsibility is to your DD, then yourself. At best DD’s interests are not served by living with a father who behaves like this, or indeed a mother who tolerates and enables it. At worst she could be at risk, eg accidents, finding drugs, exposure to unsavoury people, witnessing her father inebriated or arrested.

Wake up and prioritise parenting over your relationship.

SpinneyHill · 14/04/2019 11:09

Coke has absolutely saturated the hospitality trade, booze has always been an issue in kitchen and there are long hours and it is exhausting coming home to a family where you are expected to play a role.

But none of those 'reasons' are acceptable for screwing up other peoples lives and as you say there are always other things he will list as reasons for his use to be acceptable, if his brother is in his ear too I can't see him getting off it without a massive overhaul of everything in his life.

Your're not a bad mum because he's got a drug problem. It's not you it is him and you can't fix him you can only minimise the impact on you and DC

I'm so sorry I've been here myself and I adored the bloke it was so hard to walk away because I wanted him to sort himself out so much.
It really hurts walking away from someone you love, but space away from him is best for you

JammyGem · 14/04/2019 13:42

I understand your pain OP.

DH also works in catering industry and so I k ow full well the long hours and late nights - it's normal for him to do 14-16 hours a day 5 days a week. He also used drugs to cope (weed) as he couldn't switch off after his shifts. He has never used cocaine but the majority of his colleagues in all the restaurants he's worked in have - it's chefs drug of choice.

That said, as soon as we had DD, he stopped the drugs. He had a slip up a few months in after an incredibly stressful week, but immediately told me and was so apologetic.

He's made the effort to quit, and he makes the effort to be as quiet as possible when coming home from work. Because he knows DD is more important than any job.
If your DP can't do this, then he's not a good partner or parent and quite frankly you'd be being a neglectful mother if you allowed your child to stay in that situation.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/04/2019 14:28

it doesn't matter how HE sees it OP, it's how You see it that matters for you and your children.

Original poster
HolBaker · 14/04/2019 14:28

I’m really glad he managed to sort himself out to support your family! Thank you for taking time to message x

OP posts:
Original poster
HolBaker · 14/04/2019 14:32

I know you’re all right and I thank you all for being so clear with me. It made me emotional I always try to see the good. I’ve also felt as I’m in control of our money, that he does support us in as far as roof over our heads and money to spend. He just spends his tips of it I guess and totally disrespects our life together.

I dread this day DD finds it in a coat pocket or something. He can get wreckless and he’s always falling asleep when he has DD as he’s just so whacked out from work and hungover it’s so depressing!

OP posts:
Original poster
HolBaker · 14/04/2019 14:32

I’ve left for my mums by the way and taken the car 😳

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 14:37

Please do seek help from a specialist organisation such as Al Anon. You sound like you are minimising the problem; and trying to mitigate its extend and impact, eg by managing money.

He will either take steps to address his substance problems, or not. You have a DC to care for, so for her sake he should live alone to do this.

MsDogLady · 14/04/2019 15:27

I dread the day DD finds it in a coat pocket or something. He can get reckless and he’s always falling asleep when he has DD as he’s just so whacked out from work and hungover. It’s so depressing!

Wake up. You are knowingly putting your 3 year old child in physical danger. She could ingest drugs or have a terrible accident while he is asleep.

He keeps DD “begrudgingly,” so she will be learning that he doesn’t value and cherish her.

Exposing DD to the chaos of life with an alcoholic and drug addict will damage her emotionally. You are sentencing yourself and your child to a life of anxiety and uncertainty. This is her model for her future relationships.

Leave him and mean it.

SpinneyHill · 14/04/2019 17:25

Well done seems inappropriate but you have done the right thing.

I hope he fixes himself up but this is a hope for the best expect the worst scenario and it sucks for all of you

Stay strong

PointlessUsername · 14/04/2019 18:43

Nothing to add, stay strong op Flowers

LellyMcKelly · 14/04/2019 18:51

You are letting your daughter live with a drug addict and alcoholic. Is that what you want for her? Do you want her to grow up as someone who tolerates being treated badly by a partner? Because that’s what you’re modelling for her.

LellyMcKelly · 14/04/2019 18:53

Sorry - missed your update. You have done entirely the right thing. 💐

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