Partner does cocaine, works long hours and drinks too much ☹️

[HolBaker]

Hey guys,

I’m new here. I’ve often referred to mumsnet for advice throughout my pregnancy and parenting journey but this time I feel like I need to get some real advice!

I met my partner 6 years ago when we were both living and working in a London. We both enjoyed a party but my anxiety grew more intense with each hangover as I grew older so I stopped. I fell pregnant whilst we were on a break ( a goodbye conception!) I had moved up to the Lake District
to join family up here and found out four weeks into our break.

We decided to keep the baby and he said he’d moved up here (to join his brother and wife + 3 nephews also!) and we’d start a family.

On and off we’ve gotten through. We’ve made big changes in our lives as anyone does when then bring a child into the world. But he works in the restaurant and hotel industry so the parenting is mainly left to me.

He also hasn’t been able to stop taking drugs (cocaine) and drinking. For spurts of time he can keep it a bit more under wraps but more often than not at the weekend he bowls in totally drunk and high and talking as loud as he can on the phone.

Last night he woke our toddler with how loud he was. Neither of us slept very well. We also never see him! I’ve found his drugs this morning and my living room smells like cigarettes and alcohol.

I’m not blind to how hard he works for our family or how he struggles with the work load and he had a tough upbringing etc. He’s a really lovely man blah blah but I’m totally fed up.

I had started my own market stall and business and I also care for my Nan.

What I’m asking I suppose is , should I leave/have a break/see if he can find a better balance? Or do I stay and help? I have tried that though.

He also begrudgingly looks after our daughter which is not good for her self worth.

I am moving out today to stay with my mum and dad purely due to the fact I need sleep and to stop this cycle.

Is anyone else dealing with the same or similar??

I just would love some advice xxx

Thank you xxx

Our daughter is 3 btw x

OP in a situation like this social services can easily end up getting involved and the last thing you need is a Child Protection Plan or a Child in Need slapped on you. You need to put your DD first, God forbid she found that.
He needs to seek support from the relevant services, is he aware of the dangers of cocathelyne? He needs help and through that he may one day be the dad and husband you both deserve, but not right now.
I agree that Al-Anon or a FCSO group would be a good idea for you too.

I know. I said to him if I ever found it in our house again I’d leave him. It makes me think he’s mad to even think it would get past me, it’s like he doesn’t care.

Thank you all again for your words !! Just what I need. I feel like I’ve been indenial! 🤦‍♀️ He’s so highly functioning and capable and my parents really love him but he has got a real problem!

Got that feeling of wow I’m going to have to start all over again! Good luck to us all xxx

HolBaker yes its a shitty situation and handled correctly you may not have to start all over again. I have worked with plenty of families where there is substance misuse and with both parties working together in total honesty, you wont have to start from scratch again.
Whatever you decide, do what is best for you and DD

That may be so 64632 but the OP's OH hasn't shown any sign of that so far, sadly. Maybe her departing will wake him up, but I think she's right to be bracing herself for starting from scratch.

for you OP. A grim situation for you, you have been extremely brave.

@HolBaker I've been thinking of you - how are you doing?

Thanks for asking But jammyJem 😊 I’ve just checked back on here as I’m feeling a bit lost. Now ten days at my mum and dad’s and hardest part is explaining to my daughter why she only sees her dad once a week for the day! It’s so rubbish. But necessary...

I have spoken to him, and he’s really understood this time why I’ve left but I’m not going to go on any words he gives me as I’ve seen him fall back on them too many times. Apparently his brother is so angry I’ve put him in this position, so I’m feeling conscious of being seen a certain way by his family ... but his bro is the one I think keeping some of our issues alive !

Not sure what next step is as we both rent a house... should we both find our own places etc...

Lots of questions whirring!

X

Asking him to chose between your children and cocaine... what a cow you must be

Ignore the brother. It’s your partner and his actions that count

Hi OP when he is in a receptive mood, talk to him about Naltrexone.

I know it’s tragic. His mum has told him to sort his life out too, but his brother is so dependent on him to keep their little duo of drink and drugs alive because they work so hard, that his hitting out at me for spoiling the party aka the method they’ve relied on to bond, relieve stress, be selfish and act like idiots. Just feeling the pressure of having to be strong cos I’m scared really... 😔 having a bad day I think, feeling anxious but have booked a drs appointment for tomorrow for some support. X

You are doing the right thing. Keep saying that over and over.
Dd first, you second, and Dp only if he commits to you and Dd.

Nobody else matters.

x x

Unless you plan on getting back with him in the immediate future then yes you will need your own place, otherwise it's giving him false hope that you're seeing this as a temporary break. You may well see it like that, but he's got no incentive to sort his shit out if he thinks you're just teaching him a lesson, he needs to see that his behaviour warrants an adult removing themselves and a child from his life because his behaviour is not OK. Regardless of what his brothers saying.

OP you have a double-fight on your hands because of his brother's terrible influence over him.
You've got to leave him (them) to it.
You sound really nice and intelligent, please don't let him drag you down anymore.
Be strong because the future Will be much better and brighter for you xx